I was really grumpy this morning, fighting with my husband and stepson over nothing. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was in the air? Maybe everybody is grumpy like Kat and I? Those were my thoughts as I drove to work. I forced myself to ignore the light, fluffy clouds in the sky and the bright green leaves on the trees. Here, on Long Island, I often see people with grumpy, stern scowls on their faces (as I surely was wearing) and thought to my non-grumpy self that they should just get over it and notice all the beauty around them. Well, today I would have none of it. But just remembering how that self would have thought about how I was acting now put a small crack in my grumpiness. I walked from the garage to my work entrance, grumbling that I had to climb steps and then saw several pigeons cooing and walking pigeon walk. They were so beautiful. I guess I smiled in spite of myself and I looked beyond the pigeons where a woman was walking towards the entrance from another direction. She smiled at me like I was a long lost friend. Her face was familiar but I had never spoken to her. This gentle woman held the door for me and insisted I enter first, beaming all the while. I chose to use the steps to get some well-deserved (in my mind) coffee and a cranberry muffin. I looked over my shoulder and the woman was still looking at me and smiling so openly and lovingly while she waited for the elevator. As I climbed the stairs I started to cry, the tears washing the irritation and grouchiness away. I thought to myself what a wonderful thing to see a bodhisattva today.

From 1999

I was just rereading some of my old journals. Very interesting actually. Here is a poem I wrote on Saturday March 13th 1999:


Poet's Question

What do you think
When you read these words
I place on this page
Who am I asking
You, the love of my life
Or the stranger
Finding these words
Sometime after my death

Do you find them moving
Do you see my heart
As it opens briefly
And quickly closes again
Hiding in rhythm and sound

What do you think
Whoever you are
Or maybe I should ask
What do I think
Wherever I am
Whenever I am
Do these words show my heart
Can I open it
For you to see
Love of my life
Everything of me

Thai dinner

Three friends from work took me out to dinner tonight to a Thai restaurant for a belated birthday celebration. It was really nice of them. I had a lovely tofu salad and then basil vegetables. One of my friends brought a nice bottle of white wine with a delicate sparkle (the restaurant doesn't have a liquor license). We topped it off with honey fried bananas. Delicious!

I enjoyed the dinner a lot but I have to admit that I feel slightly uncomfortable when people do nice things like that for me. I would have been much happier if we were just going for no occasion or for one of their birthdays. I have trouble accepting/receiving.

I also feel a trifle off balance. We have had such a busy few weeks. I really needs some peace and quiet to unwind.

My face

I have a problem with body image. I was an overweight child and have been overweight for most of my 40 years. Not extremely overweight. Just plump, or chubby. Any way you call it, whether you're trying to make it sound good (pleasantly plump) or bad (butterball, one of my dad's nicknames for me) - it still sounds bad. Because of my poor body image, I tend to avoid mirrors. I don't have a mirror in the bedroom, I just never got around to getting one. I put on my makeup in the morning using the mirror of my compact. While putting on my makeup one morning, I noticed that I really like how I look in the compact. I realized I have nice eyes and lips. My nose isn't bad. I realized I am pretty and I feel pretty when I see part of myself in the small, round mirror. So why don't I like the whole picture, the whole face? Maybe it has more to do with how I feel about myself than how I actually look? Improving my body image is a mountain I will someday climb but I think first I will work on the small staircase of improving my poor face image one round mirrored step at a time.

Birthday aftermath

I am so tired!

Yesterday was an all day scientific symposium in honor of my supervisor. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago but this was the best time to get all the speakers together and have a large enough lecture hall in the university. I seem to be always thinking about this blog, while I was listening and taking notes on the lectures I also wrote this observation:

The all day symposium for my supervisor was a perfect reflection of his life - at least the one he shows to his professional associates. It started early in the morning, 8:00 am - the speakers had to arrive at 7:30 am. It was filled with science and scientists and every minute was used efficiently.

So beginning with a dinner Sunday night until lunch today, I have been involved in this.

I haven't even had time to think about turning 40. Today I had a physical and check up. Everything was good, low blood pressure and good EKG (I was worried about my high heart rates at the gym). I am still very concerned about my weight. I asked her to check thyroid hormone levels and cholesterol. I feel pretty good but I always feel like I should be doing more, I should have more energy.
Maybe that is more a reflection of my difficulty in being satisfied with my own accomplishments than anything else. But the people around me... My supervisor is 70. He climbs mountains and routinely beats men 30 years younger at tennis. He is very respected in the university and internationally. People came from the Netherlands, England, Israel, and Japan to be at this symposium.

No wonder I feel tired.

Today is my birthday...

I am 40 years old.

Sunday Zen

I went to Zen today. My teacher is in Spain but we (three of us) carry on without him. It is harder for me to concentrate, though, when he and his wife (who is my teacher too) aren't there. I didn't push my self very much, I just enjoyed the practice. Several thoughts came to me, like messages, as often happens during meditation. One was that I should be doing this more than once a week. The second is that I didn't sign up for the acting class yet. Looks like I am not pushing myself much at all. Change is tough... and scary. I dug up some inspiration - this poem really affected me the first time I read it and it is still powerful for me.

"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We are afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can’t. We will fall."
"Come to the edge."
And they came. And he pushed them.

And they flew.

-Appollinaire

I will try to exert a little more effort moving towards the edge this week.

Saturday's poem

Sun shines in a cloudless sky
Gentle breezes ripple bumblebee strewn clover
While I sip too hot China Green Tips tea from Starbucks
Sitting crosslegged on a wall behind a shopping center
Smelling the dumpster
Watching white butterflies flutter
And wondering if the guy driving by in the silver stationwagon thinks I'm weird
To want some sun, some bees, some green clover on this beautiful morning
And want it enough to ignore the garbage odor and freeway noise
I sip my tea and smile

Butterflies vs. Moths

While I was writing this poem, I was uncertain whether to use the word butterfly or moth. The poet in me said that butterfly sounded better. The scientist in me was troubled. Are there white butterflies? Are those insects fluttering there moths or butterflies? What is the difference between a moth and butterfly? The poet consoled the scientist by promising to add a bit about the difference between the two in a blog entry.

Here you are:

From The Butterfly Website FAQ

How can I tell a moth from a butterfly?

Butterflies and moths both belong to a group of insects called "lepidoptera", meaning that they have wings covered with scales. They are related in many ways. Butterflies are generally brightly-colored while moths are generally drab, though they are many dramatic exceptions to this. Almost all butterflies are active during the day, and most (but by no means all) moths are active at night. A good way to tell the difference is by their antennae. Butterfly antennae are shaped somewhat like a golf club, with a long shaft. Most moths have either simple filaments tapering to a point, or complicated affairs with many cross-filaments.


Well, I didn't see the antennae.

I searched the internet and I think the were Cabbage Whites(Pieris rapae). So they were butterflies after all.

Lumumba

We watched Lumumba last night. We chose it because of a recent review on Cahiers Du Cinema. It is an emotional movie about Congo's fight for independence from Belgium's colonial rule. Patrice Lumumba, Prime Minister for two months, was the leader of the MNC party and fought tirelessly for independence and self rule. The movie portrays him as a revolutionary and a man of high ideals and integrity. He is betrayed, his position taken away and finally he is brutally beaten and shot.

The film tells the story in a non-linear way the is very effective. The acting and cinematography are very good and give a strong realism to the picture. The film is in French with English subtitles. I was tired last night so sometimes it was hard to keep up with the subtitles. There is an English-dubbed version but I hate dubbing. I really enjoyed the soundtrack also. Overall, an excellent film. I recommend it highly.

After the film was over, we wanted to learn more about the history of Congo and Lumumba.
Wikipedia is a great site for information (it is a community generated open-content, open source encyclopedia with entries in several languages)

Patrice Lumumba

Democratic Republic of the Congo



Lumumba was also a poet.
Here is an excerpt from one of his poems that shows his love for his people and his fervent desire for their freedom from oppression:

You sang the chants that gave voice to your blues.
And sometimes to your joys, when sap rose in the trees
And you danced wildly in the damp of evening.
And out of this sprang forth, magnificent,
Alive and virile, like a bell of brass
Sounding your sorrow, that powerful music,
Jazz, now loved, admired throughout the world,
Compelling the white man to respect,
Announcing in clear loud tones from this time on
This country no longer belongs to him.
And thus you made the brothers of your race
Lift up their heads to see clear, straight ahead
The happy future bearing deliverance.
The banks of a great river in flower with hope
Are yours from this time onward.
The earth and all its riches
Are yours from this time onward.

--excerpted from "WEEP, BELOVED BLACK BROTHER" by Patrice Lumumba, translated from the French original by Lillian Lowenfels and Nan Apotheker.

Reading the history of Congo after Lumumba's death makes me sad. I hope his vision will be realized someday.

---

Lumumba

(*****)

All people are significant

D. told me a story of what happened to him at work. He asked the secretary for some insight on how to organize part of the user interface he is making. He told her that she had the best organizing skills in the department, better than professors and programmers and system administrators. She was so pleased that someone recognized her and her skills. I am sure her week was made. It reminded me how much we can make a difference in the lives of those arounds us, just by being kind and respectful to them.

It made me think of a related story I got in an email....

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."

"I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Anonymous comments turned on

I didn't realize that this blog was set to only allow blogger users to comment. I have now set it to allow anonymous comments. Welcome everyone! Speak freely now if you like!

Refuge from negative thoughts

In honor of a wonderful post at Kat's Paws I added another CD to my listening list. Refuge is a beautiful CD - a combination of Roth's rhythms and Tibetan chants by Russian singer/song writer, Boris Grebenshikov. This CD is not like most of Gabrielle Roth's others, it does not have a very fast tempo and I don't think it would work well for dancing the 5 rhythms. But for walking, giving a massage, working around the house or writing your blog it is great! And when I listen to it my negative thoughts slowly float away leaving me feeling peaceful and uplifted. I like the other CD's by Roth that I have, Bones, Trance, Zone Unknown, Tongues, and Ritual but Refuge is extra special.

Reiki, flaky?

I was reading the April 2004 issue of Self magazine in the gym today. I read an article about Spa treatments. The author was mostly making fun of strange, 'trendy' treatments, for example she described one in which hot oil is poured on your third eye (Shirodhara) to balance your prana. However, her description of Reiki was very positive. She describe two experiences, both which left her feeling more calm, relaxed and optimistic. Even though she said that Reiki sounds like flaky woo woo which I guess meant mystical and unscientific, she recommended it. Reading this made me aware of how much I miss going to the Healing Circles and sharing treatments with others. It just hasn't fit into my schedule since my stepson started to live with us full time. However, nothing stops me from practicing at home, giving myself treatments, or doing the exercises and meditations I was taught. Perhaps one reason is that Reiki seems to conflict with my rational, scientific profession. It is a dichotomy in me. I can't explain it but like the author of the article, Reiki has been nothing but positive for me. The calming, centering energy that flows through me when I am giving a treatment is wonderful. I can't explain it and most of my colleagues would say that it cannot work. And yet, it gives people something. I have not seen a miraculous healing. But I know that it has a positive effect. I tend to think that one human offering focused unconditional love to another for 60 minutes can't be anything but positive. I will make an effort to include Reiki in my life more often.

Update:

I gave myself a treatment last night after writing this entry. I didn't even get halfway through when I fell into a deep sleep and awoke refreshed and ready to start the day. I have been having a little trouble sleeping (which for me, a good sleeper, means waking up several times during the night) the last few nights and feeling tired during the day. Not last night, and I feel great this morning.

Compassion

Compassion by Mary Heebner

Practicing compassion

This practice was offered by the Dalai Lama and he suggested doing this every morning. He shared this practice with a group and told them that it will increase loving and compassion in the world, and asked everyone attending to go home and share it with as many people as possible.

The Practice of Compassion:

1. Spend 5 mintues at the beginning of each day remembering we all want the same thing (to be happy and loved) and we are all connected.

2. Spend 5 minutes cherishing ourself and others. Let go of judgments. Breathe in cherishing yourself, and breathe out cherishing others. If the faces of the people you are having difficulty with appear, cherish them as well.

3. During the day extend that attitude to everyone you meet - we are all the same and I cherish myself and you (do it with the grocery store clerk, the client, your family, cowoerkers, etc.)

4. Stay in practice, no matter what happens.

A first kiss...

I attended an all day sesshin at the Zen center today, beginning at 7 AM and finishing at 4 PM. There were about six 25 minute zazen (sitting meditation) sessions, interspersed with chanting, walking meditation, dharma discussion, and a formal meal. Although the sesshins are uncomfortable for me, especially the last couple zazens, I really love attending them. It is difficult to put into words but I feel like I make a lot of progress during these extended meditations. One insight I had today was an understanding of how it is possible to hold two ideas of one person in your mind at one time. I tend to think of things in black and white. This person is good and he does good things or this person is bad and he does bad things, although my designation of someone can change back and forth depending on their behavior. For a short time today I could really think about a person as good and really see the goodness, and at the same time know that the person was doing something not good. I could separate what the person was doing from what he is. At that moment I could relate to the true nature of the person, independent from his actions. As I was doing this, I realized that I had never really understood this before. I had read about it, spoken with others about it, and thought about it and even agreed that it was the correct way to think and believe. BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT IN MY HEART BEFORE TODAY! I also had a different perspective on walking meditation today. Usually I am watching the person in front of me, making sure I am in step with him. Today, I let my awareness expand a little and I was able to relax and be in step without watching. It is hard to explain and putting it into words makes it either sound trivial or magical but it is neither. I was able to be a bit more than just myself, I was able to also be a line of people walking in step. My teacher, Genshin, talked about the difference between talking about Buddha and Zen and practicing Zen -- sitting. He compared it to talking about kissing. You can describe kissing with words in great detail, you may even be able to list 100 different kinds of kissing and study each one, memorize the differences and similarities, compare and contrast. You could do this for years and become a great expert in kissing but you would know less than a young girl who has just experienced her first kiss. I have spent most of my life in the intellectual arena, learning about things from books on the mental plane. It is refreshing to walk in the experiential landscape, it has a deeper reality. I have always been troubled by the thought that I don't really know anything. I suppose I have been waiting to experience life, waiting for my first kiss.

Spiritual Cinema

I got this bit of interesting 'spam' yesterday.

Spiritual Cinema Circle, Spiritual Movies and Spiritual Films

THE CIRCLE offers a service that's unique and deeply needed. The CIRCLE gives you a way to bring hours of inspiring entertainment into your life each month, while making an important contribution to the world. In addition, it's an incredible bargain.

Remember, the mainstream movie business literally runs as much on popcorn-sales as ticket-sales. Big, violent action movies bring in audiences that eat those huge $7 boxes of popcorn and those 32-ounce $4 cups of soft drinks. That's why theater-owners want them, and that's why Hollywood makes them. The movies you'll see as a member of The CIRCLE are made with love and passion. They're not made just to sell popcorn.

Basically they send you 3-5 films (short and feature length) on DVD each month for $24 (shipping is extra so it will probably end up being ~$26). The films are selected based on their quality and spirituality or ability to uplift and inspire the viewer. The movies are new films you're unlikely to see anywhere else.

I think I will subscribe. The list for June looks interesting.

Related links

Moving Messages Media
WISDOM Media

CHECK!

As you can see (if you look) one of the items on my blog to do list has been crossed off. I have registered at Blogarama, Blogwise, and Globe of Blogs. I am not on their listing yet, there is the matter of site verification, but my part is done. Check. As is my usual penchant, I overanalyzed what my keywords should be, what should be in the description (even whether to use my real name or make something up... but that's another story). As I was reading all the possible categories for blogs listed on Globe of Blogs (18 major and in some cases more than 30 sub-categories) I wondered where mine fits and marveled at the variety of interest and knowledge. I wondered why I only have one blog (well, I have 3 but I really only post to one). I have some interest and knowledge about some of those topics, why not me. I guess this desire/obsession relates back to what I wrote in a previous entry describing one possible motivation for blogging as a desire to create a 'digital alter ego' -- a complete and accurate reflection of all that is good and interesting in my internal thought processes. In some ways I feel like a child who is not content to view her toys in the toy box but wants to lay them out on the floor so she can see everything at once. But there are too many to see at one time. So she tries to group them, arrange them in categories with related categories close together. But nothing is satisfactory. One arrangement has the dolls too far from the books and some of the dolls are characters from some of the books. But if the books are close to the dolls then they are too far way from the jigsaw puzzles and that's not right. So in frustration she gathers everything up and throws them into the toy chest in complete disarray, until the next time she opens it and has an idea to put them in some order, to see what is there, and to decide how each object relates to each other object.

It seems there is no hope for me. I can't even keep to a single topic in one post.

Twaddle?

In scamming around for something to write about today I picked a page at random from Creating a Charmed Life.

48. Choose actual over virtual reality

At first I thought this was telling me to stop writing blog entries and actually go and have a discussion with someone. But that wasn't it. Whew!!! Or at least it wasn't the whole 'it'. Moran discusses choosing books that are "in touch with vital thoughts and events" rather than "boring, poorly written books" and other forms of "twaddle". On one hand, I must agree with Moran. I don't watch TV and rarely go to 'popular' movies. I don't follow the lives of movie stars or celebrities. But I worry that too much 'snobbery' is not a good thing. I don't think having ones nose stuck securely in the upper atmosphere guarantees happiness or even encourages it. Some of the most unhappy people I know are like that. I think there are (at least) two reasons for me to avoid snob excess. One is that I really enjoy some low brow stuff. There are times when the only thing I want to read is a Star Trek novel. It is comfort food for my brain. The characters are all my friends and I know nothing too difficult to bear will take place. My life would be poorer without Star Trek in it. It is a way to connect with others and to connect with my younger self. Still I don't want to read Star Trek novels every day.

The second reason for remaining 'grounded in mediocrity' at least part of the time is that deep down I know that is where I belong. I find it hard to justify being so particular and reading only 'good' books, listening to only 'good' music etc when my writing skills, my musical talent, my artistic leanings are mediocre at best. What would that make me? A person who would only join a club that wouldn't take me as its member. And at this point my heart swells for all the mediocre people trying their best to write, to paint, to sing, to compose music. We should ignore them? We should insult them? We should ban them from creating something too twaddle-infested? Sounds like the same kind of snobbery that suggests people of lower intellect should be 'discouraged' from reproducing. So my criteria of REAL is if the person creating it put his/her heart into it and showed a tender part of themselves to the world. How can I reject that? How would rejecting that make me a better or happier person?