Wednesday, July 21, 2010
So what inspired this post? I was reading blog posts by two fascinating writers, Crap Mariner and Kris Schomaker/Gracie Kendal, both of whom are struggling with their own self judgement. What is amazing to me is that I admire both of them so much, to me they are so successful and accomplished, and yet they struggle just like I do. Their judgments and self-criticisms sound remarkably similar to my own. In fact, my own critical voice uses all their accomplishments (blogging, creative endeavors, virtual fame etc) to point out my lack. But deep down a little voice defends me. Perhaps I have some accomplishments of my own too that I am under-representing in my own mind the way I see them under-representing theirs.
I have been working towards moderating my overly critical self image and high expectations for years with great success or little progress, depending on which part of me is making the assessment. But my recent illness adds a new wrinkle to this. I have had to lower my expectations significantly. In early June, right after it happened, I put most off most of my projects and non-critical decision until August, what I thought would be the magic month when I would be 'back to normal.' With August approaching, I am starting to worry that there will be nothing magic about August and at the same time I have this antsy feeling like I do want to start something. I know that this inspiration is another desperate attempt to do something that I can finally be proud of and that will allow my critical self to accept me. This is a false hope. By design, the inner critic is never pleased and never accepting.
And this is where I start to feel a glimmer of self-satisfaction. I smile. I know this. And if I can create this powerful, unrelenting inner critic, I can also create a faithful, stalwart inner supporter.
Posted by Holly Miller at 6:14 AM