Sunday, June 20, 2010

A new path...

I am writing in this blog again, after ... so long ... nearly 5 years! Hard to believe. And so much has changed. I won't go into it all. What I want to do is start from here. Start anew. A recent event has had a dramatic effect on my life. A little over 3 weeks ago I had a heart attack due to a dissected right coronary artery. It came completely out of the blue -- spontaneous is the term the doctors use. No trauma, no plaque, no discernible cause. Spontaneous.

The first few days, I felt so fragile and I felt betrayed by my body. How could it do this to me? What will happen next? Every twinge of pain brought panic. I toughed it out. After the first day I stopped asking for anything stronger than Tylenol. I walked up and down the hallway to gain strength and fight boredom. I also felt a huge wave of support and love from friends and family all over the world.

The love and support from friends and family really helped me. Tim visited me each day and would read all the comments and posts to my and his facebook pages. It helped me feel stronger and grateful... it brought me fully back into this world after my short escape (my heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital).

Now I am feeling more and more like my old self. I am walking further, doing more. I am working part time and feeling less exhausted from work. I even thought that I would like to ride my bike. I have been afraid of biking since I am taking medicine to thin my blood.

My illness has invoked a bit of contemplation in me. Not at first but more recently. One thing I am grateful for is that I have not felt much like a victim. I think about how lucky I was that it happened when it did and where it did so I could get the quick and competent medical help I needed to survive. I was lucky that Tim was around, that he was cool headed and called 911. I am grateful that this event left me with a feeling a gratitude and being blessed.

However, I can't help but to wonder why this happened and if it was a message to me in some way. Yes, I am a believer in messages. Although, whether they originate from God, the Universe, or one's own soul, I am not sure. I do believe they should be listened to. So what message was sent to me? Why my heart?