A first kiss...

I attended an all day sesshin at the Zen center today, beginning at 7 AM and finishing at 4 PM. There were about six 25 minute zazen (sitting meditation) sessions, interspersed with chanting, walking meditation, dharma discussion, and a formal meal. Although the sesshins are uncomfortable for me, especially the last couple zazens, I really love attending them. It is difficult to put into words but I feel like I make a lot of progress during these extended meditations. One insight I had today was an understanding of how it is possible to hold two ideas of one person in your mind at one time. I tend to think of things in black and white. This person is good and he does good things or this person is bad and he does bad things, although my designation of someone can change back and forth depending on their behavior. For a short time today I could really think about a person as good and really see the goodness, and at the same time know that the person was doing something not good. I could separate what the person was doing from what he is. At that moment I could relate to the true nature of the person, independent from his actions. As I was doing this, I realized that I had never really understood this before. I had read about it, spoken with others about it, and thought about it and even agreed that it was the correct way to think and believe. BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT IN MY HEART BEFORE TODAY! I also had a different perspective on walking meditation today. Usually I am watching the person in front of me, making sure I am in step with him. Today, I let my awareness expand a little and I was able to relax and be in step without watching. It is hard to explain and putting it into words makes it either sound trivial or magical but it is neither. I was able to be a bit more than just myself, I was able to also be a line of people walking in step. My teacher, Genshin, talked about the difference between talking about Buddha and Zen and practicing Zen -- sitting. He compared it to talking about kissing. You can describe kissing with words in great detail, you may even be able to list 100 different kinds of kissing and study each one, memorize the differences and similarities, compare and contrast. You could do this for years and become a great expert in kissing but you would know less than a young girl who has just experienced her first kiss. I have spent most of my life in the intellectual arena, learning about things from books on the mental plane. It is refreshing to walk in the experiential landscape, it has a deeper reality. I have always been troubled by the thought that I don't really know anything. I suppose I have been waiting to experience life, waiting for my first kiss.