Directionless

I am feeling out of sorts, stuck, and directionless. I haven't been able to concentratate on anything including posting here. At times like these I usually try to jump start myself. One way is to pick a tarot card and see if I can relate it to some aspect of my life that I need to address but have been avoiding. There is a nice website that has free tarot and other readings.

Here is my single card tarot for today.

The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.

I have felt rather burdened lately. My stepson is visiting his mother so I have more free time but as soon as time opens up it is like more demands rush in to fill the space. I think refusing to take on additional burdens is a good theme for today. I will try to keep it in mind.

Lifelong learning

I have been interested in learning my whole life. I was learning officially in school for about half of my life and now I am in a career that requires learning new facts and techniques daily. This is the exciting part of the job for me and probably what keeps me in this profession. In addition to learning things for work, I learn about things to enrich my after-work life. My interests are almost unbounded - from technology to the arts; from history to the spiritual nature of existence.

The internet has really allowed me to develop this interest into a near-obsession. I can't explain to you how pleasing it is to me to have a question in mind and be able to find an answer through a quick google search. I sometimes jump up from table to search for an answer to a question that has arisen in our dinner conversation. For more indepth study I use books, journals, and magazines. My favorite places are libraries and bookstores. But perhaps what is most fulfilling about this hobby is how coincidence and interconnections manifest themselves in the process. Often when I am interested in a topic there will be something about it on NPR, then I'll see something related in one of my emails, or a friend will mention something she read. It's like fishing, or the more vegetarian pursuit of birdwatching. When I have the interest, the bytes of information come to me as I pursue them and lead me into other domains in the interconnecting landscape of science, culture and spirit.

Some resources I have found useful in my learning quest:

Autodidactic Press
Charles Hayes, the founder, has a similar perspective on learning as I do and writes essays based on his own interests and reading. His quarterly newsletter features book reviews, at least one essay and other learning resources. It is a great place to get sparks.

UTNE Magazine and Cafe
I really like this magazine not only because it is interesting and has unusual, beyond the mainstream articles but also because, somehow, it has a big influence in my life. The timing of the articles just seems to fit with the timing of events in my life. When I needed a new car, an article about hybrids convinced me to buy one. When I was struggling with questions about why I didn't feel as comfortable as I felt other people did, either in my childhood hometown or in my current environment, I read an article about straddling the boundaries between blue collar and white collar society. (I plan to make this the topic of a future entry)

NPR
I think few people would argue with the statement that NPR is a great source of interesting tidbits worth pursuing further. And not just regarding foreign affairs or politics but more mundane but also very life enriching topics like popular music. It was due to a short piece on Johnny Cash that I got several of his CD's from the library and spent many enjoyable hours listening to them. The interview with Cash combined with his music also piqued an interest in the connection between spirit and sound - how can two version of the same song give such a different emotional expression to a song? Is it just mechanics? Or does something of the person, some form of energy, get transferred from the musician to the listener via the performance?

There are many more and I am sure this topic will resurface in this blog often.

Resistance

I went to zen today. I didn't want to. I laid in bed trying to talk myself out of it. My back hurt. I was tired. But mostly I was thinking that I had spent the whole week not doing the things I decided to do last week during and after meditation. I didn't meditate during the week. I didn't sign up for the acting class. I didn't practice the shoji's job so I could do it more correctly. I didn't read the chants so I would be able to keep up with the others. I was just pulled along with the current of today's overwhelming modern life. And I felt hopeless. What is the point of going just once a week? I asked myself. Better to stay in bed and not struggle. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and thankfully he did. That gave me the motivation to get up, get dressed and go. And now I am glad I did. We got there late enough that I didn't have to be shoji. Our teacher was there so we had a wonderful dharma discussion that really touched me. I was on the verge of tears. Of course, I am touched and cry at a lot of things that don't affect other people. The talk focused on our I am self (ego) and the separation and loneliness that results from our fixating on this point of view. I really felt the deep loneliness that is inherent in this way of life. It is this loneliness, this feeling that things aren't right somehow, that drives me to make this spiritual journey - to overcome my resistance and make one small, hesistant step at a time.

I was really grumpy this morning, fighting with my husband and stepson over nothing. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was in the air? Maybe everybody is grumpy like Kat and I? Those were my thoughts as I drove to work. I forced myself to ignore the light, fluffy clouds in the sky and the bright green leaves on the trees. Here, on Long Island, I often see people with grumpy, stern scowls on their faces (as I surely was wearing) and thought to my non-grumpy self that they should just get over it and notice all the beauty around them. Well, today I would have none of it. But just remembering how that self would have thought about how I was acting now put a small crack in my grumpiness. I walked from the garage to my work entrance, grumbling that I had to climb steps and then saw several pigeons cooing and walking pigeon walk. They were so beautiful. I guess I smiled in spite of myself and I looked beyond the pigeons where a woman was walking towards the entrance from another direction. She smiled at me like I was a long lost friend. Her face was familiar but I had never spoken to her. This gentle woman held the door for me and insisted I enter first, beaming all the while. I chose to use the steps to get some well-deserved (in my mind) coffee and a cranberry muffin. I looked over my shoulder and the woman was still looking at me and smiling so openly and lovingly while she waited for the elevator. As I climbed the stairs I started to cry, the tears washing the irritation and grouchiness away. I thought to myself what a wonderful thing to see a bodhisattva today.

From 1999

I was just rereading some of my old journals. Very interesting actually. Here is a poem I wrote on Saturday March 13th 1999:


Poet's Question

What do you think
When you read these words
I place on this page
Who am I asking
You, the love of my life
Or the stranger
Finding these words
Sometime after my death

Do you find them moving
Do you see my heart
As it opens briefly
And quickly closes again
Hiding in rhythm and sound

What do you think
Whoever you are
Or maybe I should ask
What do I think
Wherever I am
Whenever I am
Do these words show my heart
Can I open it
For you to see
Love of my life
Everything of me

Thai dinner

Three friends from work took me out to dinner tonight to a Thai restaurant for a belated birthday celebration. It was really nice of them. I had a lovely tofu salad and then basil vegetables. One of my friends brought a nice bottle of white wine with a delicate sparkle (the restaurant doesn't have a liquor license). We topped it off with honey fried bananas. Delicious!

I enjoyed the dinner a lot but I have to admit that I feel slightly uncomfortable when people do nice things like that for me. I would have been much happier if we were just going for no occasion or for one of their birthdays. I have trouble accepting/receiving.

I also feel a trifle off balance. We have had such a busy few weeks. I really needs some peace and quiet to unwind.

My face

I have a problem with body image. I was an overweight child and have been overweight for most of my 40 years. Not extremely overweight. Just plump, or chubby. Any way you call it, whether you're trying to make it sound good (pleasantly plump) or bad (butterball, one of my dad's nicknames for me) - it still sounds bad. Because of my poor body image, I tend to avoid mirrors. I don't have a mirror in the bedroom, I just never got around to getting one. I put on my makeup in the morning using the mirror of my compact. While putting on my makeup one morning, I noticed that I really like how I look in the compact. I realized I have nice eyes and lips. My nose isn't bad. I realized I am pretty and I feel pretty when I see part of myself in the small, round mirror. So why don't I like the whole picture, the whole face? Maybe it has more to do with how I feel about myself than how I actually look? Improving my body image is a mountain I will someday climb but I think first I will work on the small staircase of improving my poor face image one round mirrored step at a time.

Birthday aftermath

I am so tired!

Yesterday was an all day scientific symposium in honor of my supervisor. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago but this was the best time to get all the speakers together and have a large enough lecture hall in the university. I seem to be always thinking about this blog, while I was listening and taking notes on the lectures I also wrote this observation:

The all day symposium for my supervisor was a perfect reflection of his life - at least the one he shows to his professional associates. It started early in the morning, 8:00 am - the speakers had to arrive at 7:30 am. It was filled with science and scientists and every minute was used efficiently.

So beginning with a dinner Sunday night until lunch today, I have been involved in this.

I haven't even had time to think about turning 40. Today I had a physical and check up. Everything was good, low blood pressure and good EKG (I was worried about my high heart rates at the gym). I am still very concerned about my weight. I asked her to check thyroid hormone levels and cholesterol. I feel pretty good but I always feel like I should be doing more, I should have more energy.
Maybe that is more a reflection of my difficulty in being satisfied with my own accomplishments than anything else. But the people around me... My supervisor is 70. He climbs mountains and routinely beats men 30 years younger at tennis. He is very respected in the university and internationally. People came from the Netherlands, England, Israel, and Japan to be at this symposium.

No wonder I feel tired.

Today is my birthday...

I am 40 years old.

Sunday Zen

I went to Zen today. My teacher is in Spain but we (three of us) carry on without him. It is harder for me to concentrate, though, when he and his wife (who is my teacher too) aren't there. I didn't push my self very much, I just enjoyed the practice. Several thoughts came to me, like messages, as often happens during meditation. One was that I should be doing this more than once a week. The second is that I didn't sign up for the acting class yet. Looks like I am not pushing myself much at all. Change is tough... and scary. I dug up some inspiration - this poem really affected me the first time I read it and it is still powerful for me.

"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We are afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can’t. We will fall."
"Come to the edge."
And they came. And he pushed them.

And they flew.

-Appollinaire

I will try to exert a little more effort moving towards the edge this week.

Saturday's poem

Sun shines in a cloudless sky
Gentle breezes ripple bumblebee strewn clover
While I sip too hot China Green Tips tea from Starbucks
Sitting crosslegged on a wall behind a shopping center
Smelling the dumpster
Watching white butterflies flutter
And wondering if the guy driving by in the silver stationwagon thinks I'm weird
To want some sun, some bees, some green clover on this beautiful morning
And want it enough to ignore the garbage odor and freeway noise
I sip my tea and smile

Butterflies vs. Moths

While I was writing this poem, I was uncertain whether to use the word butterfly or moth. The poet in me said that butterfly sounded better. The scientist in me was troubled. Are there white butterflies? Are those insects fluttering there moths or butterflies? What is the difference between a moth and butterfly? The poet consoled the scientist by promising to add a bit about the difference between the two in a blog entry.

Here you are:

From The Butterfly Website FAQ

How can I tell a moth from a butterfly?

Butterflies and moths both belong to a group of insects called "lepidoptera", meaning that they have wings covered with scales. They are related in many ways. Butterflies are generally brightly-colored while moths are generally drab, though they are many dramatic exceptions to this. Almost all butterflies are active during the day, and most (but by no means all) moths are active at night. A good way to tell the difference is by their antennae. Butterfly antennae are shaped somewhat like a golf club, with a long shaft. Most moths have either simple filaments tapering to a point, or complicated affairs with many cross-filaments.


Well, I didn't see the antennae.

I searched the internet and I think the were Cabbage Whites(Pieris rapae). So they were butterflies after all.

Lumumba

We watched Lumumba last night. We chose it because of a recent review on Cahiers Du Cinema. It is an emotional movie about Congo's fight for independence from Belgium's colonial rule. Patrice Lumumba, Prime Minister for two months, was the leader of the MNC party and fought tirelessly for independence and self rule. The movie portrays him as a revolutionary and a man of high ideals and integrity. He is betrayed, his position taken away and finally he is brutally beaten and shot.

The film tells the story in a non-linear way the is very effective. The acting and cinematography are very good and give a strong realism to the picture. The film is in French with English subtitles. I was tired last night so sometimes it was hard to keep up with the subtitles. There is an English-dubbed version but I hate dubbing. I really enjoyed the soundtrack also. Overall, an excellent film. I recommend it highly.

After the film was over, we wanted to learn more about the history of Congo and Lumumba.
Wikipedia is a great site for information (it is a community generated open-content, open source encyclopedia with entries in several languages)

Patrice Lumumba

Democratic Republic of the Congo



Lumumba was also a poet.
Here is an excerpt from one of his poems that shows his love for his people and his fervent desire for their freedom from oppression:

You sang the chants that gave voice to your blues.
And sometimes to your joys, when sap rose in the trees
And you danced wildly in the damp of evening.
And out of this sprang forth, magnificent,
Alive and virile, like a bell of brass
Sounding your sorrow, that powerful music,
Jazz, now loved, admired throughout the world,
Compelling the white man to respect,
Announcing in clear loud tones from this time on
This country no longer belongs to him.
And thus you made the brothers of your race
Lift up their heads to see clear, straight ahead
The happy future bearing deliverance.
The banks of a great river in flower with hope
Are yours from this time onward.
The earth and all its riches
Are yours from this time onward.

--excerpted from "WEEP, BELOVED BLACK BROTHER" by Patrice Lumumba, translated from the French original by Lillian Lowenfels and Nan Apotheker.

Reading the history of Congo after Lumumba's death makes me sad. I hope his vision will be realized someday.

---

Lumumba

(*****)

All people are significant

D. told me a story of what happened to him at work. He asked the secretary for some insight on how to organize part of the user interface he is making. He told her that she had the best organizing skills in the department, better than professors and programmers and system administrators. She was so pleased that someone recognized her and her skills. I am sure her week was made. It reminded me how much we can make a difference in the lives of those arounds us, just by being kind and respectful to them.

It made me think of a related story I got in an email....

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."

"I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Anonymous comments turned on

I didn't realize that this blog was set to only allow blogger users to comment. I have now set it to allow anonymous comments. Welcome everyone! Speak freely now if you like!

Refuge from negative thoughts

In honor of a wonderful post at Kat's Paws I added another CD to my listening list. Refuge is a beautiful CD - a combination of Roth's rhythms and Tibetan chants by Russian singer/song writer, Boris Grebenshikov. This CD is not like most of Gabrielle Roth's others, it does not have a very fast tempo and I don't think it would work well for dancing the 5 rhythms. But for walking, giving a massage, working around the house or writing your blog it is great! And when I listen to it my negative thoughts slowly float away leaving me feeling peaceful and uplifted. I like the other CD's by Roth that I have, Bones, Trance, Zone Unknown, Tongues, and Ritual but Refuge is extra special.

Reiki, flaky?

I was reading the April 2004 issue of Self magazine in the gym today. I read an article about Spa treatments. The author was mostly making fun of strange, 'trendy' treatments, for example she described one in which hot oil is poured on your third eye (Shirodhara) to balance your prana. However, her description of Reiki was very positive. She describe two experiences, both which left her feeling more calm, relaxed and optimistic. Even though she said that Reiki sounds like flaky woo woo which I guess meant mystical and unscientific, she recommended it. Reading this made me aware of how much I miss going to the Healing Circles and sharing treatments with others. It just hasn't fit into my schedule since my stepson started to live with us full time. However, nothing stops me from practicing at home, giving myself treatments, or doing the exercises and meditations I was taught. Perhaps one reason is that Reiki seems to conflict with my rational, scientific profession. It is a dichotomy in me. I can't explain it but like the author of the article, Reiki has been nothing but positive for me. The calming, centering energy that flows through me when I am giving a treatment is wonderful. I can't explain it and most of my colleagues would say that it cannot work. And yet, it gives people something. I have not seen a miraculous healing. But I know that it has a positive effect. I tend to think that one human offering focused unconditional love to another for 60 minutes can't be anything but positive. I will make an effort to include Reiki in my life more often.

Update:

I gave myself a treatment last night after writing this entry. I didn't even get halfway through when I fell into a deep sleep and awoke refreshed and ready to start the day. I have been having a little trouble sleeping (which for me, a good sleeper, means waking up several times during the night) the last few nights and feeling tired during the day. Not last night, and I feel great this morning.

Compassion

Compassion by Mary Heebner

Practicing compassion

This practice was offered by the Dalai Lama and he suggested doing this every morning. He shared this practice with a group and told them that it will increase loving and compassion in the world, and asked everyone attending to go home and share it with as many people as possible.

The Practice of Compassion:

1. Spend 5 mintues at the beginning of each day remembering we all want the same thing (to be happy and loved) and we are all connected.

2. Spend 5 minutes cherishing ourself and others. Let go of judgments. Breathe in cherishing yourself, and breathe out cherishing others. If the faces of the people you are having difficulty with appear, cherish them as well.

3. During the day extend that attitude to everyone you meet - we are all the same and I cherish myself and you (do it with the grocery store clerk, the client, your family, cowoerkers, etc.)

4. Stay in practice, no matter what happens.

A first kiss...

I attended an all day sesshin at the Zen center today, beginning at 7 AM and finishing at 4 PM. There were about six 25 minute zazen (sitting meditation) sessions, interspersed with chanting, walking meditation, dharma discussion, and a formal meal. Although the sesshins are uncomfortable for me, especially the last couple zazens, I really love attending them. It is difficult to put into words but I feel like I make a lot of progress during these extended meditations. One insight I had today was an understanding of how it is possible to hold two ideas of one person in your mind at one time. I tend to think of things in black and white. This person is good and he does good things or this person is bad and he does bad things, although my designation of someone can change back and forth depending on their behavior. For a short time today I could really think about a person as good and really see the goodness, and at the same time know that the person was doing something not good. I could separate what the person was doing from what he is. At that moment I could relate to the true nature of the person, independent from his actions. As I was doing this, I realized that I had never really understood this before. I had read about it, spoken with others about it, and thought about it and even agreed that it was the correct way to think and believe. BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT IN MY HEART BEFORE TODAY! I also had a different perspective on walking meditation today. Usually I am watching the person in front of me, making sure I am in step with him. Today, I let my awareness expand a little and I was able to relax and be in step without watching. It is hard to explain and putting it into words makes it either sound trivial or magical but it is neither. I was able to be a bit more than just myself, I was able to also be a line of people walking in step. My teacher, Genshin, talked about the difference between talking about Buddha and Zen and practicing Zen -- sitting. He compared it to talking about kissing. You can describe kissing with words in great detail, you may even be able to list 100 different kinds of kissing and study each one, memorize the differences and similarities, compare and contrast. You could do this for years and become a great expert in kissing but you would know less than a young girl who has just experienced her first kiss. I have spent most of my life in the intellectual arena, learning about things from books on the mental plane. It is refreshing to walk in the experiential landscape, it has a deeper reality. I have always been troubled by the thought that I don't really know anything. I suppose I have been waiting to experience life, waiting for my first kiss.