a stinky, muddy swamp

If this blog is a path then right now the scenery is not so great. I would say we are walking through a stinky, muddy swamp. Sorry. I am having a crisis which often happens when I start a new project. It gets bigger and bigger in my perfectionist (no. 2 in my 100 things) mind until it is really impossible and then I feel so OVERWHELMED and consequently DEPRESSED until... you know... the stinky, muddy swamp thing. I want it to be perfect and I worry about what other people will think about it (no. 55). I worry that people will read it (no. 9) but I also worry that no one will read it. I feel vulnerable showing myself to the whole world, opening myself for criticism or disdain or just apathy. I have compartmentalized myself. I am one person at work, another at home, another in the past, another with one friend, and another when I am alone. I had ideas of compartmentalizing myself here, only sharing parts of me in separate blogs. Not letting the scientist interact with the poet. Keeping the meditator away from the sore loser--actually hiding the sore loser completely--who would like her? Which one is the real me. I often ask myself what I would do if I didn't consider what others would think? Who am I in the absence of others opinions?

There is a real difference between being who you are without concerns about what people will think and trying to convince people that who you are is ok and should not be condemned. Even when I am trying to be my true self, I am gathering my defenses to prove that you should approve of my true self. That it is worthy of you. I can document it with photos, couch it in wit, surround it with organization and clever technology. But the real question I am grappling with is am I worthy of existence. And that is a difficult question for me, my friend. I think it will take a long time for me to find a satisfying answer. But that is my path.