Resistance

I went to zen today. I didn't want to. I laid in bed trying to talk myself out of it. My back hurt. I was tired. But mostly I was thinking that I had spent the whole week not doing the things I decided to do last week during and after meditation. I didn't meditate during the week. I didn't sign up for the acting class. I didn't practice the shoji's job so I could do it more correctly. I didn't read the chants so I would be able to keep up with the others. I was just pulled along with the current of today's overwhelming modern life. And I felt hopeless. What is the point of going just once a week? I asked myself. Better to stay in bed and not struggle. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and thankfully he did. That gave me the motivation to get up, get dressed and go. And now I am glad I did. We got there late enough that I didn't have to be shoji. Our teacher was there so we had a wonderful dharma discussion that really touched me. I was on the verge of tears. Of course, I am touched and cry at a lot of things that don't affect other people. The talk focused on our I am self (ego) and the separation and loneliness that results from our fixating on this point of view. I really felt the deep loneliness that is inherent in this way of life. It is this loneliness, this feeling that things aren't right somehow, that drives me to make this spiritual journey - to overcome my resistance and make one small, hesistant step at a time.