Hello everyone! I am feeling more myself, or the self I like better. I am embarrassed by my previous post. I sounded like a spoiled child. I would have deleted it by now but for the gentle, heartfelt comments that are attached. It makes me consider how I censor myself, how I categorize parts of me into bad and good, things to keep, things to remove, and things to improve. If I had not written that post in my moment of frustration and complete dissatisfaction with myself and my life, I wouldn't have received those wonderful comments. I would have missed hearing those voices and I am grateful I did not. But immediately I feel guilt. Why is that? I feel that I don't deserve those comments, I don't deserve that concern or consideration. What have I done for Siona or Dale or Mahala that they should offer me such a gift, that they should--can I say it?--love me? It brings a strange juxtaposition of emotions in me and I am quite sure I won't end this message with a pithy statement that shows I integrated this message into my life. Quite sure of that one.
So where does this leave me? I am still a bit sick but also a bit better. I still have the huge, horrendous, nearly impossible to finish proposal, but it is several pages closer to completion, I still feel grouchy and speak to my family in short clipped sentences when they dare to come into my presence. But there is a little feeling, a little voice that is saying that it is ok, that some imperfection is acceptable, that there is some benefit, some use for this jumble of 'negative' emotions. These are the demons that I face. This is the mess that is the inner workings of my mind. Much to my chagrin, it is not peace and logic inside me. Warner is right. Will it ever be so?
How do we deal with these non-niceties? I try to pretend that I am something and I fight moment by moment to be that way. To demonstrate it, to live it ... but it's not true. What is the answer? Control? Suppression? Organization? Compartmentalization? People say things like 'deep down she is a good person.' What am I 'deep down?' It seems the deeper I go with my inner work and meditation the more slime, decay and putrefication I find. What if I find deep down I am not even recognizable? What if deep down there is nothing, an empty hole?
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2 comments:
Yes you can say it -- love you.
If I appreciated your humanity in the last post, I appreciate your honesty in this one even more. I constantly feel regret after my posts (and my comments) -- oh, my self cherishing ego! -- So far (so far) I have not deleted anything. But neither have I admitted how embarassed I feel.
Thank you. I guess we're all only human. But then again, that's a pretty miraculous thing isn't it?
Mahala ~ Crystal Lotus
When I began meditation I spent a lot of time being appalled at what I was finding -- getting really familiar with the endless churn of fantasy and anxiety, the self-centeredness and BORING repetitiveness of my ordinary mind was really very distressing. And when my teacher would talk about my fundamentally pure Buddha nature, I'd think, well, here we go into the religious nonsense. I didn't see it at all.
Over the years though I've become completely convinced of it, and in a queer way it may be the very depth of the "slime, decay, and putrefication" that does most to convince me. The fact that any genuine loving-kindness or compassion or joy can ever arise in this pit seems to me incontrovertable proof that those things come from something even deeper and more fundamental. I no longer doubt my pure buddha-nature, nor anyone else's.
For people like us, it's often easier to see it in others than in ourselves. Given the suffering all around us -- in even the most outwardly comfortable of lives -- the fact that there is so much love, sympathy, and forbearance around -- hell, the fact that there's any of it around -- argues that there is, just as they say, gold under all that dirt, just waiting to be revealed.
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