I didn't finish the proposal. Today was the due date and I just couldn't do it. The next time to submit it will be Feb 1. So I guess I will keep working on it for the next four months and submit it then. I feel relieved but also very disappointed in myself. It is just another time that I have procrastinated about this. What if the same thing happens in January? This kind of thing is happening to me too often. Too many times I skip meditating or going to the zendo. Too many times, I avoid the gym, or work out only half-heartedly while there. Too many times I start to change my eating habits only to fall back into the same unhealthy patterns. In some ways, my life feels like it is coming together. Things at home are better, with my stepson and husband. I am not crying with frustration and desperation a couple times a week. That is good. But I am still far from where I want to be. I still have to do lists with hundreds of entries. I am still not satisified with myself.
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5 comments:
Hell. Me too.
I know what I need to do. Meditate. Seriously, I mean, not fifteen minutes every couple days. I need to put my practice back together. Because the problem isn't procrastinating. Not really. That's just a symptom. A nice marker. An indicator species, you might say. When the tasks start dying off without getting done, you know there's trouble.
Ugh. Just wanting to throw it all out and start over. Never a profitable frame of mind.
I have never been satisfied with myself. And I will never be satisfied with myself, so long as I let my mind stay in this hamster-wheel. There's not a thing I could accomplish in this world that wouldn't go bad in this mephitic mind.
Forgive me for stealing your comment box: I'm too intimidated to post on my blog, & I'm hiding out here. I have to go home -- it's 6:00 Friday evening, I should want to go home supposedly, right? But I just want a break, a break from everything.
Okay. I'm sitting up straight (he struggles up in his chair.) And now I'm going home. And at home, I will practice.
Okay. How was that for a hijacking? Sheesh. Hugs to you, Tinne. "All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well" --
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You are welcome any time Dale. I enjoy reading your comments and having commentersations with you ;)
oh yeah . . . I know that not-good-enough feeling . . .oyoyoy . . . may I just say, though, how amazing it is that you *intend* to do all these things? So many people never even go near any of it, and here you go, more often than not *doing* such great things . . . :) K
Thanks for the link Al. The article is very helpful. "Everyone is a human being with all the potential and all the obstructions. If one can love that human being, the one that is "me" with all its faculties and tendencies, then one can love others realistically, usefully and helpfully." It is really true that it is hard to love others when one hates oneself.
Part of the path, certainly, is getting back on the horse. But I think another part is learning to say, "Well. I DID do this. And it was good." Rejoicing in what we have accomplished and using the energy from that to carry us forward.
It's interesting to me to see the male species filling up this comments page, because in many ways I think women suffer with this more than men do. Gender socialization and expectations. Nothing is ever enough for your spouse, child, family, etcetera.
Mahala ~ Crystal Lotus
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