I have started with a new therapist and we have been focusing on the difficulties within my blended family. At some point Tuesday night, after I was complaining that I didn't feel appreciated my therapist said: You knew he had a son when you married him.
I felt bad when my therapist said it to me. This statement feels very discounting and shaming to me. I spent a few hours trying to understand why. What is the assumption behind the statement? That I should have expected all these problems? That I could have been prepared? This was how I defended myself to my therapist. (Notice I said defended, I felt attacked). I tried to argue that there was no way in hell I could have been prepared for this, never having had kids, not expecting my stepson to live with us since he was in Russia and kids rarely leave their moms in Russia. Add on top of that that I didn't expect my stepson to be such a difficult child. But let's be totally honest here. I knew my husband had a kid when we got involved. Did I give it much thought? No. I was head over heels in love and I only thought about how my heart ached at the thought of not being with him. End of story. Was this smart? No. Does criticizing this now help? No. This leads me to some examples I thought of while driving in the car to work yesterday. When someone complains about how bad their husband is, why don't we say: Didn't you know you husband when you married him? It wasn't an arranged marriage, was it? When someone complains about how difficult their teenager is, why don't we say: Hmmmm. You knew he would grow up into a teenager when you decided to have him didn't you? You weren't ignorant of biology, were you? You understood that sex can lead to teenagers didn't you? When someone complains about their boss why don't we say: You had an interview before you took the job, didn't you? You met him, right, you investigated the company? I could go on and on here but I think you get it. We don't say these things to people when they tell us their problems with their boss or kids or husbands BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HELP --- BECAUSE IT JUST DISCOUNTS THEM AND MAKES THEM FEEL STUPID. IT BASICALLY SAYS "YOU MADE YOUR BED NOW YOU SLEEP IN IT." IF THIS KIND OF ADVICE SEEMS HELPFUL TO ANYONE PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND.
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5 comments:
It's not a lot to go on, of course, but that makes me skeptical of this therapist.
I doubt whether anyone can know ahead of time what such heavily-weighted relationship will be like, with the best will in the world. & even the smoothest ones are pretty damn turbulent. Does this person have kids? Or is this one of those therapeutic relationships where they get to know all about you but you get to know nothing about them? (another skepticism-inducing thing, if so, for me...)
Well, I'm a little skeptical too. What did s/he say when you pushed back?
(I think you're right on with your litany of what isn't useful to say. I'm hiding my hands under my desk.)
Love to you,
Mahala~LuminousHeart
Hi Tinne... another good post for sure.
I have to laugh at this one, though. One of those "been there, done that" deals. With me, it was about my Ex. "You knew he was a psychopath when you married him." Excuse me? No, actually I did not. But two kids later I sure knew. And what good did it do pointing it out after the fact? Did the pointer-outers point it out just so they could say, "Told ya so!" Thanks and no thanks.
I've never been to a therapist even when given my background I was a prime candidate. The reason? I wasn't sure a pro could tell me anything about myself that I didn't already know deep within. So I opted to figure it all out by my lonesome. Maybe I made the right decision, maybe I made the wrong decision. Only I know for sure, maybe.
Love, Linda
and a slight tweaking for my blog's address: Volcano Mama
Al - Good point. I plan on bringing this up in the next session.
Dale - Well, she is pregnant and is a stepmother. I thought she would be able to empathize with me.
Mahala - She stood her ground. It was near the end and she said we would pick it up next time.
Linda - I think you made the right decision. :)
I will see her tomorrow. I hate that I have to psych myself up to deal with my therapist. I hope she has reconsidered by now and I don't have to have an unpleasant discussion.
please don't feel discounted, or bad, or shamed. (i'm a little surprised that someone who is also a stepmom would have said this to you, but we all walk different paths.) you're working to be there for your husband, and stepson, and yourself - and what more is there?
for what it's worth - i knew my partner had a kid, and a not-terribly-balanced ex, when i signed on. i told him i was in for a penny, in for a pound - and sincerely meant it. but there is *no way* on God's green earth you can sufficiently understand what that entails until you've walked a mile or two down that path. and man oh man, is it interesting and surprising. ;)
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