Wednesday, June 2, 2004

Imperfection

I have been upset, agitated, and angry the last few days but I didn't know what to write. This evening the feeling was getting out of hand, making me bitchy with everyone so I walked for an hour and tried to work my way through it. It starts with my stepson and his misbehavior, as many of my moods do lately, but I knew it didn't end there and in actuality didn't really start there either. As I was working through my anger at his misdemeanors I started to think about myself at 13. I wasn't a perfect child either. I was moody at times and believed I knew better. I was trying to grow up without any one else's help or advice. In thinking about myself then I didn't like myself. I remembered reading a really touching blog entry Male Order Bride in which the author, Ellie, describes her sixteen year old self on her wedding day. Ellie also writes what she would say to the girl if she saw her now:

If I could stand next to the girl in the photograph today, I would gently remove the veil from her head and take her by the hand to the rock next to the pond, where I would hold her in my arms and rock every last tear out of her. I would tell her it is her uniqueness, her brave spirit, that makes her special. I would remind her that no matter where she is, what road she chooses, what mistakes she makes, it does not make her any less lovable.


Thinking of this during my walk and I cried because I could not be as kind and forgiving to my 13 year old self. I saw only the imperfection of her and how can imperfection be lovable? The path to wholeness and healing seems clear. To embrace and love imperfections, the imperfections of my past selves, of my future selves, of others and of me. But how to do it?

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
It's how the light gets in."
Leonard Cohen -from Anthem (1992)


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