Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Inner Dialog

I am moved to write this morning. I am not sure why this impulse comes to me so infrequently but I am learning to be more gentle with myself and go with the flow more. I had and still have so many expectations of myself. If I am going to blog, it should be every day. Just another chore to fall by the wayside like daily yoga, daily meditation, daily reading.... I am slowly realizing that this drill sergeant mentality isn't working for me.

So what inspired this post? I was reading blog posts by two fascinating writers, Crap Mariner and Kris Schomaker/Gracie Kendal, both of whom are struggling with their own self judgement. What is amazing to me is that I admire both of them so much, to me they are so successful and accomplished, and yet they struggle just like I do. Their judgments and self-criticisms sound remarkably similar to my own. In fact, my own critical voice uses all their accomplishments (blogging, creative endeavors, virtual fame etc) to point out my lack. But deep down a little voice defends me. Perhaps I have some accomplishments of my own too that I am under-representing in my own mind the way I see them under-representing theirs.

I have been working towards moderating my overly critical self image and high expectations for years with great success or little progress, depending on which part of me is making the assessment. But my recent illness adds a new wrinkle to this. I have had to lower my expectations significantly. In early June, right after it happened, I put most off most of my projects and non-critical decision until August, what I thought would be the magic month when I would be 'back to normal.' With August approaching, I am starting to worry that there will be nothing magic about August and at the same time I have this antsy feeling like I do want to start something. I know that this inspiration is another desperate attempt to do something that I can finally be proud of and that will allow my critical self to accept me. This is a false hope. By design, the inner critic is never pleased and never accepting.

And this is where I start to feel a glimmer of self-satisfaction. I smile. I know this. And if I can create this powerful, unrelenting inner critic, I can also create a faithful, stalwart inner supporter.


michelle said...

Holly !
That is beautiful ! Unfortunately, you are right, we are much more self-critical than others could possibly of ourselves.
Yet, look at all you have accomplished ? Look at how the rest of us happy you are with us and remain steadfast and strong..only to become a much better you. More refined. Wiser.
We cannot become wiser without traipsing through some fire ourselves, sit back and ponder (if we dare) putting things into a different light..a new perspective. One of winners...
YOU, dear, are one of the winners.
We cannot see to focus on magic when its so close to us, surrounding us. Insatiable ? No,..self-critical. Then again, when we stop striving do we remain stagnant ?
I think I tend to feel that way.
Like an Olympic athlete, there is always room for improvement within, improvement we put out. As long as our inner critic doesn't reach out and slap others with its force,..maybe we're doing what it is we should...strive for better within ourselves.

Dale said...

It's been so much of my life, too, and I'm still haunted by not having lived up to -- what? It hardly matters, really.

HVX Silverstar said...