Dear Siona:
You touched my heart with your comment. Although I haven't taken much time lately to blog, I am pretty active in a web forum I believe strongly in, the Childless Stepmom Forum. I am recycling something I wrote there since it gives a view of my mental ruminations of late. I am posting this for you Siona. I am very glad I met you.
Today on the Childless Stepmom Forum the founder posted a meditation that made me consider, for at least the thousandth time, how I can balance the two, seemingly opposed ideologies, which make me feel like I live on a seesaw. One set of philosophies I read and believe in emphasizes dissolving the ego, giving yourself, becoming self-less. I read these and about the lives of people who have done this, Mother Teresa, Gandhi. Who can criticize this? Then I read about another set of philosophies about taking care of yourself, 'good selfishness', etc. I feel in my heart that somewhere these two ideas must meet. I mean, it is kind of selfish to sit all day and meditate, isn't it? That person could be cleaning up trash, taking care of an orphan, campaigning for her choice in the presidential election, protesting poverty. But honestly, I still haven't 'got it'. I haven't come either to a place of balance and harmony with these two seemingly opposing ideas or grasped how they are one and the same. I feel in my heart that something is there for me to grasp, that there is some understanding that is just out of reach but no matter how hard I squint my brain, I don't 'see' it. This feeling is unpleasant and busyness is a great distractor. When I get this feeling, I just let my mind drift to all my unfinished work and poof, the uneasiness disappears.
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2 comments:
Tinne.
Thank you so much for this rumination.
You're right when you say 'seeming,' because as you mentioned, the two philosophies are one and the same.
The only way anyone can be a healthy parent is if they're in a position to give wholly, without neediness or expectation. I don't think many people reach this state: we expect something back from the love we give, whether it's attention, or love in return, or devotion, or something else.
In order to be in this place, one has to be a full, realized adult, which means being strong enough to put one's own needs first. You needs to have accepted yourself (and your shortcomings and defects and foibles) completely enough not to need the reassurance of others to know that you, at heart, are okay.
I suppose this might seem paradoxical or contradictory. To me, though, it makes perfect sense. In order to really and truly be able to give ourselves to someone else, we have to have *ourselves* to give. We can't give with expectation. We can't give what we don't have. You have to first take responsibility for (and this means extending compassion and care and all the rest) to your own person before you can be responsible for others.
Meh. I hope that made sense, even a little bit. Thanks again, so much, for sharing. I went and looked at the CSF with interest. It seems like a wonderful community.
I agree with what you are saying but then it comes to me, when do the 'enlightened' individuals take care of themselves. They seem to be dedicating every minute to helping others. Were they born, already having sorted through all the trash I have to sort through. Sometimes I think it will take my whole life to sort through all my disorders and become whole.
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