Media bias

My sister sent me this article from the NYTimes about media bias.



Some selected quotes/links to whet your appetite:



As the movie "Outfoxed" makes clear, Fox News is for all practical purposes a G.O.P. propaganda agency.



In response to some of the G.O.P. scripting which portrayed the Democratic Convention as showing a 'different' side of the party (e.g. John Leo's column) Paul Krugman writes:



Luckily, in this age of the Internet it's possible to bypass the filter. At C-Span.org, you can find transcripts and videos of all the speeches. I'd urge everyone to watch Mr. Kerry and others for yourself, and make your own judgment.



Media watch sites:



The Campaign Desk

Media Matters

The Daily Howler



Other sites I have come across:



Air America Radio

Mother Jones (just started my subscription, love the July/August issue)



I'll end with a scary/funny poster published in Mother Jones from Micah Wright's Propaganda Remix Project.

Lists, perfection, and completion

Siona's (from Nomen est Numen) comment prompted me to finish the Film List (well, it will never be finished but I think it is relatively up to date) and post it. My idea is to keep a running list of the films I see with appropriate links to my posts (since Blogger still doesn't provide acceptable searching capabilities) and to other sites I like that are related to the film. I will put this on the sidebar as a work in progress. If I have the time and inspiration, I will write reviews or impressions of more of the films. Being a perfectionist I strive for completion, or maybe I am a completionist striving for perfection?

Films seen

--------2005--------
The Sheltering Sky
March of Penguins (2005) in theater
Amazons 2005 Stony Brook Film Festival
Jesus, Mary and Joey Stony Brook Film Festival
The Life of Mammals, 2002
Rashomon, 1950
L'Eclisse, 1962
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, 2004
The Life of Birds, 1998
Border, 1997
Throne of Blood, 1957

Garden State

--------2004--------

Love Liza **** [related post]
Spiderman 2 (2004) in theater **
I, Robot (2004) in theater **
Razor's Edge (1994) ***** [related post]
Prisoners of the Mountain (1996) ****
LA Confidential (1997)****
Facing Windows (2003) in theater***** [related post]
About Schmidt (2002) **** [related post]
City of Angels (1998)*** [related post]
In This World (2002) ****
Solaris (2002) ****
Moster's Ball (2001) *****
Il Posto (1961) ****
Claire's Knee (1970) ***
Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004) ***** [related post]
Heat (1995) ****
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) in theater *****
Smoke (1995) *****
Lumumba (2000) ***** [related post]
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) **** [related post]
Wings of Desire (1987) ***** [related post]
The Crying Game (1992) **** [related post]
The Funeral (1984) *** [related post]
Superman: The Movie (1978) ****
Kikujiro (1999) *****
American Splendor (2003) ****
Anger Management (2003) *****
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) in theater***** [Cup of Chicha review]

A little chamber music

Last night we went to a concert that was part of the 2004 Bridgehampton Chamber Music Festival entitled Telemann and the Trout. The first piece that was played was an aria from the "Goldberg Variations". Then two pieces by Telemann, Quartet in D minor and Concerto for F major. The final piece was Schubert's "Trout" Quintet. All the musicians were excellent. We didn't have good seats, at least for seeing but the sound was beautiful. The concert is in a old Presbyterian Church quite appropriate for chamber music, small and intimate. Sitting there listening to the harpsichord in the Bach piece, I almost felt a powdered wig on my head. The real reason we were there, though, was for the pianist in the last piece. Joyce Yang is the daughter of a colleague of mine and an exceptional 17 year old young woman. The way she plays... I am not a gifted enough writer to explain. Anyone who is reading this and has a chance to see and hear her, should not miss the opportunity. We have traveled to NYC and to Albany to see her. We are never disappointed.

Estranged faces missing many-splendored things

I went to zen today. As usual it was hard to go, I used every excuse in my mind, but I still went. While meditating it was hard to concentrate. My inner critic was going on and on about how I will never get anywhere just meditating once a week. I started to make plans about meditating every evening, every morning, but then I stopped. How many times will I do the same thing? How many times will I make grandiose, impossible plans for the seeming purpose of disappointing myself? After the meditation, my teacher lead a discourse and as usual, gave me much to think about. He often quotes poetry during our discussion. Today he quoted Francis Thompson, especially the poem "The Kingdon of God" below.


The Kingdom of God

O WORLD invisible, we view thee,
O world intangible, we touch thee,
O world unknowable, we know thee,
Inapprehensible, we clutch thee!

Does the fish soar to find the ocean,
The eagle plunge to find the air--
That we ask of the stars in motion
If they have rumor of thee there?

Not where the wheeling systems darken,
And our benumbed conceiving soars!--
The drift of pinions, would we hearken,
Beats at our own clay-shuttered doors.

The angels keep their ancient places--
Turn but a stone and start a wing!
'Tis ye, 'tis your estrangèd faces,
That miss the many-splendored thing.

But (when so sad thou canst not sadder)
Cry--and upon thy so sore loss
Shall shine the traffic of Jacob's ladder
Pitched betwixt Heaven and Charing Cross.

Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter,
Cry--clinging to Heaven by the hems;
And lo, Christ walking on the water,
Not of Genesareth, but Thames!

by Francis Thompson

Recovering intuition

Vasalisa Approaching the Hut of Baba Yaga from MYTHING LINKS Baba Yaga page

I am still reading Chapter 3: Nosing out the facts: The Retrieval of Intuition as Initiation in Women Who Run With the Wolves. My plan was to finish the chapter and then write a summary but I think it is too complex for just one post and I am going to follow my intuition on this.

In this chapter Dr. Estes discusses the Russian folktale "Vasalisa". In this tale, the heroine, Vasalisa goes through several trials or tests and is helped by a small doll that her dying mother gave her. Vasalisa's wise doll symbolizes her intuition.

...the doll represents the inner spirit of us as women; the voice of inner reason, inner knowing , and inner consciousness. The doll is like the little bird in fairy tales who comes and whispers in the heroine's ear, the one who reveals the hidden enemy and what to do about it all. This is the wisdom of the homunculus, the small being within. It is our helper which is not seeable, but which is always accessible.

When I first started on my journey of self discovery I became very interested in intuition. I read a few books on developing it. I felt cut off from any inner knowing and I didn't trust my hunches or gut feelings.

We, like Vasalisa, strengthen our bond with our intuitive nature by listening inwardly at every turn in the road. "Should I go this way, or this way? Should I stay or go? Should I resist or be flexible? Should I run away or toward? Is this person, event, venture true or false?"

I started to do this a few years ago. Once in a while, I would act on a hunch, an impulse. I did it when nothing too unpleasant could happen anyway. I don't know how successful these initial, feeble attempts were. I remember having the feeling I should give a CD to my landlady, that she would like it. I didn't let doubts stop me. (She'll think I am crazy, she won't like it, this is stupid) I just bought it (Enya's Memory of Trees) and gave it to her. I don't know if she thought I was strange or if she even liked it. Nothing really wonderful happened as a result of this small act of following what I thought was my intuition. But I still remember doing it, years later. I still feel glad that I did it even if I don't know, and may never know if it was the right thing to do. I guess this is one time when I can live with the ambiguity of it. I have tried to repeat this 'hunch-following' tradition. I have to admit there is something freeing and joyful in doing something and not analyzing it over and over again, just getting an idea and doing it.

A woman's grasp of her intuitive wisdom may be weak as a result, but with exercise it will come back and become fully manifested.

I wouldn't say that my intuition is fully manifested, but I feel more comfortable about trusting it. And that is a big step for me.

Later in the chapter (I am skipping lot's of good parts about woman's fear of her own power and about the 'myriad faces of the subterrene feminine.') is the discussion of the 'fiery skull' as another symbol of intuition.

Each woman who retrieves her intuition and Yaga-like powers reaches a point where she is tempted to throw them away, for what is the use of seeing and knowing all these things? This skull-light is not forgiving. In this light, the old are elderly; the beautiful, lush; the silly, foolish; the drunk are drunken; the unfaithful are infidels; things which are incredible are noted as miracles.....
Yet, when one sees thusly and senses thusly, then one has to work to do something about what one sees. To possess good intuition, goodly power, causes work....
It is true, I will not lie to you; it is easier to throw away the light and go to sleep. It is true, it is hard to hold the skull-light out before us sometimes. For with it, we clearly see all sides of ourselves and others...

I am not sure I have a fiery skull yet. I am probably still in the small doll in my pocket stage and so I haven't really felt this desire to put out the light. But I can understand it and in understanding it, I hope I can be ready for it.

And further, Dr. Estes discusses how intuition gives a great power of discrimination which we can use in choosing friends, lovers and teachers who are supportive of our wild growth. She describes life as a smorgasbord, where we be satisfied to choose what is near us on the table, or we can use our intuition to determine what we want, independently from what is available.

The way to maintain one's connection to the wild is to ask yourself what it is you want.
... There is around us a constant beckoning world, one which insinuates itself into our lives, arousing and creating appetite where there was little or none before.
...To chose just because something mouth-watering stand before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-Self. And that is what intuition is for; it is a direct messenger of the soul.

I think this is especially important in this age because everywhere we are being bombarded with messages, advertisements, slogans telling us what we should want. After hearing these all day, it is so difficult to sort their external screaming from the internal soul whisper. But I have tried to do it their (society's) way and I wasn't happy. It is a good question, "What do I want?" I don't have an answer yet, at least not one that I really feel deeply satisfied with. I will keep asking it, keep following the murmurs of my emerging intuition, my blossoming power.

Love Liza

Last night we saw this film. It is the story of the aftermath of a woman's (Liza's) suicide. Yea, pretty strong topic for a Friday night flick. If I try to fit this into my theme of films prodding me to live life to its fullest, I would say that this film shows what suicide means to those left behind and therefore shows by reflection the importance of living. Liza's husband, Wilson (Philip Seymour Hoffman), is surprised and devastated by her suicide which causes him to tumble into addiction, specifically sniffing gasoline. It is difficult to watch the level of self hate arising from guilt that forces him to do this. Liza left him a letter, a suicide note, and he is terrified to open it, terrified that it will tell him that it was all his fault, but he believes that is what it says anyway and acts accordingly. Liza's mother is played by Kathy Bates and we see a little bit of her grief also. Both actors are excellent. As a person who has thought about suicide from time to time, I have to say this gives me new perspective on what it would do to my family and loved ones. In depression, it is easy to tell yourself that no one cares about you but I think, deep down, I knew this wasn't true and so I didn't move much further than thought. But I definitely didn't think seriously about the days and weeks and months that my loved ones would suffer. I am far from the depressed person I once was.... still I will keep the lesson of this film close to me.

Recognizing self worth

Last Friday Angel posted:

Over the past few weeks I've been really trying to consciously be kinder and gentler to myself; to recognize all the good that I've done and all the good that I've received.

I was reading it and mulling it over in my mind. I was doing that too, for a while, but somehow I just stopped and slipped into my usual hyper critical inner voice. I pick up the book I am reading, Women Who Run With the Wolves and read this:

... women who are raised in families that are not accepting of their gifts often set off on tremenodously big quests--over and over, and they do not know why. They feel they must have three Ph.D.s or that they have to hang upside down from Mount Everest, or that they must execute all manner of dangerous, time-consuming and money-eating endeavors to try to prove to their families that they have worth. "Now will you accept me? No? Okay (sigh), watch this."... However, we can see that for the deep work to continue, trying to prove one's worth to the chorus of jealous hags [internal critics] is pointless, and as we shall see, in fact impedes the initiation.

Maybe this is part of my inner drive to achieve but at what price? I am unhappy with myself most of the time. From other sources I have read that one can stop trying to prove their worth and just accept that they are worthy, just decide it. I guess it doesn't work to just decide it once, but one must keep on deciding it each day.

Catching it

My thoughts have been scattered and nearly never ending. It isn't pleasant. Brings to mind the Ten Steps of Ox Herding (and mind training).

With his horns fiercely projected in the air the beast snorts,
Madly running over the mountain paths, farther and farther he goes astray!
A dark cloud is spread across the entrance of the valley,
And who knows how much of the fine fresh herb is trampled under his wild hoofs!

This has been me, exactly, for the last three days. I have been off balance, unhappy, and anxious. Sometimes a beast snorting, others more quiet but never really in control, not even during my meditation. I especially have lost control of my Inner Predator. He has been trampling all over my newly sprouted self esteem and improved body image. Maybe it is this tender young growth that drew him out of hiding. Maybe it was also that I have some additional sources of stress and I wasn't prepared. One too many balls in the air and they all came tumbling down. That's how I feel, overwhelmed. Balls dropping everywhere and me helpless. I will get some rest. I am comforted by the wisdom of my teacher, "If you feel discomfort, just watch and wait, it will change into something else."

Laurie's wit and heart

I have been listening to Laurie Anderson tonight. I find her lyrics so clever. I just wanted to share some of it with you in case you had never had the pleasure. Some of her work is quite experimental and it takes some time and an open mind but I think its worth it. I recommend Strange Angels or Big Science to start with. Here are some of my favorites.




You're walking. And you don't always realize it,
but you're always falling.
With each step you fall forward slightly.
And then catch yourself from falling.
Over and over, you're falling.
And then catching yourself from falling.
And this is how you can be walking and falling
at the same time.
---From Walking & Falling by Laurie Anderson

It was a large room. Full of people. All kinds.
And they had all arrived at the same buidling
at more or less the same time.
And they were all free. And they were all
asking themselves the same question:
What is behind that curtain?

You were born. And so you're free. So happy birthday.
---From Born, Never Asked by Laurie Anderson

I met this guy - and he looked like might have
been a hat check clerk at an ice rink.
Which, in fact, he turned out to be. And I said:
Oh boy. Right again.

Let X=X. You know, it could be you.
It's a sky-blue sky. Satellites are out tonight.
Let X=X.

You know, I could write a book. And this book would
be think enough to stun an ox. Cause I can see the
future and it's a place - about 70 miles east of
here. Where it's lighter. Linger on over here.
Got the time?
--From Let X=X by Laurie Anderson





And just as I started to leave
Just as I turned to go
I saw a man who'd fallen
He was lying on his back in the snow.

Some people walk on water
Some people walk on broken glass
Some just walk round and round
in their dreams
Some just keep falling down.

So when you see a man who's broken
Pick him up and carry him
And when you see a woman who's broken
Put her all into your arms
Cause we don't know where we come from
We don't know what we are.

So when you see a man who's broken
Pick him up and carry him
And when you see a woman who's broken
Put her all into your arms
Cause we don't know where we come frm.
We don't know what we are.
---From Ramon by Laurie Anderson
--

Sad today

I am down today. Feeling a bit hopeless. I dug up an old poem, it doesn't exactly match my mood, it is a bit too positive but maybe that is good.

Comfort

Bring me a quiet handful of water on which I may sleep
Pour me a gentle breeze to cool my worldly heat
Sing to me silently, soothe my burdened ear
And with the darkness blanket me so I will feel secure

Life has treated me harshly today
But no worse than to those before
All of us claimed life, now we have to pay
With suffering and weariness -- each fight his own war

Now it is the resting hour before the break of day
Life will once again begin with the suns first ray
But now within all the peacefulness
I will close my eyes and calmly rest

Life will accept me soon again
With its barbed wire arms
The way it accepts all men
To keep them from the Void’s dark charms

Oh, Quiet Darkness, must I go?
The time of living is filled with woe
And I would like to be in the place
Where only silence shows its face

Ambiguity and Contradiction

John's post got me thinking about ambiguity and contradiction. So I did what I usually do when I am starting to think... I google it. I found a few more quotes:

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
Gilda Radner (1946-1989)

I love this quote. This is a lot like how I view life although I haven't gotten to the stage where I can honestly say 'delicious ambiguity'. Maybe I can pretend say it, like, look at me I understand something profound, but I can't really say it because I really hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I also really hate when what happens next is not what I was planning to happen. I especially hate when what happens next is totally the opposite of what I wanted to happen. Now I am living with this displeasure and beginning to accept it, beginning to let it go, beginning to say "ok, it doesn't matter" with a touch of honesty, with a molecule of sincerity. Right now it is not delicious but I can manage to gag it down and keep it there.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes).
Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

This quote is also great (would I put them here if I didn't love them?). On the surface it may not seem spiritual but rather arrogant, sort of I am above the law of logic and consequence. And maybe that is what it is about partially but its not arrogance. To me he is saying that we are humans, three dimensional beings that have good and evil, happy and sad, black, white and 256 shades of gray inside us. Yes, it is inside us. This reminds me of the film Pleasantville when David (Bud) is telling Big Bob, the mayor of the city, that he has all these emotions and colors inside him. What is keeping Big Bob or me from experiencing all these contradictions? Fear. In my case, it is mostly fear of contradicting myself, fear of being wrong, fear of turning out to be someone I didn't expect to be. It is very reassuring to say to myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. It means that when I do something not-so-nice, when I think something terrible, (think of the Tori Amos song I can be cruel/I don't know why/Why can't my balloon stay up/In a perfectly windy sky) it doesn't mean I am a terrible, evil person, it means I am large, large enough to contain good and evil, like everybody, and not be evil. So that means, you contain good and evil, and that guy who cut me off today on my way to work contains some good too.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.
F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940)

This is an interesting exercise. Have you ever tried it? The difficulty increases with your attachment to one of the ideas. For instance, if you don't care if a certain country wins the most gold medals in the Summer Olympics, you can hold in your mind any number of countries winning. It doesn't matter to you. But what about something your really care about. For me that would be more like the abortion issue or capital punishment or something else that I feel strongly about. That is when I am challenged to hold the opposing view in my mind at the same time. But I believe that it is important to attempt, not because it proves you are highly intelligent, but because it protects you from dogmatism and radicalism. I remember reading a book about the Dalai Lama (may have been The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living) and the author asked the Dalai Lama a question that the author later admitted sounded very arrogant and presumptuous on his part. What inspired the author was that the Dalai Lama took time to consider both sides (the author's and his own) before answering. Just by the act of pausing and once again considering both points of view, you prevent yourself from reacting, you give your self the opportunity to chose once again what you believe to be the best choice.

Either too wet or too dry

Found this quiz while reading Nehanda Dreams
But she got to be a cool place - the deepest part of the ocean. It turns out I am all wet....

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

Since I wasn't too impressed, I did the quiz again and got ...


Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

So there you have it, either I am too wet or too dry. Maybe this is one of those times when I am taking things too seriously, huh?

Razor's Edge

Arise! Awake! Approach the great and learn. Like the sharp edge of a razor is that path, so the wise say—hard to tread and difficult to cross. -- Katha Upanishad

Last night we watched Razor's Edge, the 1984 adaptation of W. Somerset Maugham's novel by the same name starring Bill Murray. I love this movie. First of all, I love Bill Murray. I loved Groundhog Day, I loved Lost in Translation and Razor's Edge has the same style. Bill Murray worked with director John Byrum on the screenplay and according the NY Times and other sources I found, only agreed to make the hit Ghostbusters if Columbia would make Razor's Edge.

In Razor's Edge, Murray plays Larry Darrell, a WWI veteran come soul searcher. He leaves his friends and future fiance (Isabel) to live in Paris, think, read spiritual books, and pack fish. Isabel waits for a while for him to 'come to his senses' but then marries his friend and has two kids. Meanwhile, he meets up with a spiritually minded coal miner who tells him about India and gives him a copy of The Upanishads. He then travels to India himself. Later he returns to Paris and tries to live his spiritual practice, not on the mountain but in the real world.

What I love the most about the movie is the calm equanimity that Larry (and Bill) displays after he returns from India, even when terrible things happen and it would be easy to descend into bitterness and blame. But he walks the 'razor's edge'. He refuses to see people as only their worst selves, even when that's what they are being. He reaches beyond the present and material and offers compassion. It was quite inspirational for me.

Opening the door

Bluebeard's wife about to open the forbidden door
(1905 illustration by J. Watson Davis)
found on Susan Elizabeth Sweeney's homepage

Bluebeard

I am currently reading Chapter 2: Stalking the Intruder: The Beginning Initiation of Women Who Run with the Wolves. In this chapter Dr. Estes analyzes the Bluebeard (a similar web version) story. The chapter is long and has a lot of departure points that could be turned into complete essays, so I am trying hard to stay focused.

The woman who marries Bluebeard is naive and out of touch with her wild instincts that would have warned her about him. This can happen in our modern outer life as well. Many women get involved in relationships or situations where they are in danger due to their initial naivete. Bluebird gives his wife all the keys but one of them she is forbidden to use. However she must use this key and follow her curiosity.

In reality, the trivialization of women's curiosity so that it seems like nothing more than irksome snooping denies woman's insight, hunches, intuitions. It denies all her senses. It attempts to attack her fundamental power.

A personal note here. The first time I read (but did not finish) this book I was very disturbed by this and it is probably why I didn't finish reading. There was a strong voice inside me that said, "No, don't open the door, you will ruin everything!" I was really stuck in the 'good girl' mode. Don't do anything they don't want you to do. Don't rock the boat. Just smile. {A real aside, I love the Simpsons episode where Lisa's mom (Marge) tells her to smile no matter what or people won't think Marge is a good mother. Then she sees Lisa smiling as boys are insulting her and she rushes over and says to Lisa she should be however she is and if she is sad she can be sad.}

Regarding this reluctance, Dr. Estes says:

Women strengthen this barrier or door when they engage in a form of negative self-encouragement which warns them not to think or dive too deeply, for "you may get more than you bargained for."

Part of my problem has been not only a fear of loss of all that I have but a fear of seeing "shocking carnage in some part" of my life. Because once you know something, you can't unknow it. Like the key that won't be cleaned, "will not cease to give the cry that something is wrong."

When women open the doors of their own lives and survey the carnage there in those out-of-the-way places, they most often find they have been allowing assassination of their most crucial dreams, goals, and hopes.

Dr. Estes also talks about an internal Bluebeard, an animal groom, the predator, who is a part of every woman's psych.

We dismantle the predator by countering its diatribes with our own nurturant truths. Predator: "You never finish anything you start." Yourself: "I finish many things."

And by doing this inner work of dismantling the predator, lessening its strength, we are making the world a better place for everyone.

...any individuation work done by humans also changes the darkness in the collective unconscious of all humans.

And

By retrieving these powers from the shadows of our psyches, we shall not be simple victims of internal or external circumstances.

I know I have a lot of work to do. A lot of keys to find, a lot of doors to open, and a lot of blood and destruction to view, but now, finally, I am ready to do the work. To tiptoe down the rickety stairs to the deep dark basement.

True Majority

After reading the principles of True Majority in Be the Change, I decided to join.

Ben Cohen, Co-founder, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream says he started TrueMajority in order to compound the power of all those who believe in social justice, giving children a decent start in life, protecting the environment, and America working in cooperation with the world community. The organization monitors US policies with these ideals in mind and when there is something to do they send a short email alert that explaining the situation and they will automatically fax letters to Congresspeople.

The email they sent me after I signed up said this:

There are over 50 million of us that share these concerns but we've ended
up fragmenting ourselves because each of us can only concentrate on one
or two issues. Or for some of us we've just felt powerless. The TrueMajority
can unite us into a force that is even more powerful than the Christian
Right or the NRA.

Let's hope so.

More books

I went to Border's Friday night, just to browse, of course, but I bought a book, 365 Tao : Daily Meditations and a magazine, Yoga Journal (website). I have wanted the book since Angel gave it such high praise "** Did I mention, this is the first and last book I read everyday? **" The articles that caught my eye in the August issue of Yoga Journal were "7 steps for turning bad habits into good ones" and "Be happy from the inside out".

Quote from Yoga Journal:

You cannot do yoga. Yoga is your natural state. What you can do are yoga exercises, which may reveal to you where you are resisting your natural state. What is this natural state? Eternal, everlasting happiness: bliss." -Sharon Gannon, Jivamukti Yoga Cofounder

A good thing to keep in mind.

Am I famous yet?

~Z~ from theatter left me a nice comment and then wrote a blog entry about lil ol' me. A day or so ago Angel mentioned me too. This attention might be making my head a bit big but I started to wonder how many blog sidebars I am on.

Here's the list as far as I can tell (is there some easy way to tell?)

• A Mindful Life
• Kat's Paws
• John's Dharma Path
• Luminous Heart
• queen of cups
• the not-so-daily news

I guess it's not really fame but I never really expected anyone to read this blog. I am amazed at the thoughtful, kind, and interesting people I have 'met' through blogging. So thanks to all of you who have read my words, commented, listed me on your blog, and made me feel welcome in this exciting, addictive, new world.

Friday morning sensations

Morning light filtered by white curtain
Silky soft cat fur and low purring
Foot slaps through hall to the kitchen
Click of electric tea kettle
Hum of smooth cool laptop on bare legs
Bright bitter taste of hot green tea with lemon
Hot water on stiff lower back
Wonderful scent of grape seed shower gel
Buzzzzzz of electric toothbrush and minty taste
Comforting support of New Balance cross trainers
Smooth slide and thud of sliding door closing
Bright sun in eyes
Ready for another day

Inspired by Saturday Morning Me by Easy Bake Coven
which I first saw in rune's blog, queen of cups

Progressing in politics

Ah politics. When I started this blog, I decided that I didn't want to discuss politics or current events. Why? Well, I don't like controversy, I don't like heated arguments, I tend to avoid confrontation. But I have been rethinking my choice lately. So much is going on in the world and in this country. So much that I don't agree with, that I don't like. It seems like a time that everyone should speak their voice, do what they can, or be prepared to accept responsibility for the atrocities done in their name by their leaders. Maybe I am late in coming to this conclusion, but here I am. And this is a difficult choice for me personally. I have a deep seated fear of bringing attention to myself, of speaking out for things I believe in, of ridicule, of rejection. I have hidden behind provable facts in my profession so I don't have to have an opinion, just state facts, results of experiments. At the end of Fahrenheit 9/11 I clapped with the others in the audience, but then thought and looked around to see if I was in the majority. When leaving the theater, I started to worry. What if there were reporters? What if someone wanted my opinion? I was relieved to see no one. I could pretend I had just seen something mindless and uncontroversial like Spiderman 2. I know what I believe in but I don't feel like defending it to anyone. I am a member of the Green party. I vote for the most liberal candidates available. I support/supported Kucinich's campaign. I send emails and faxes to support the environment and progressive politics. I get lot's of alerts and emails. But these things are rather anonymous. I can hide behind my computer screen and my credit card. I know that a blog is rather anonymous too but it is a start.

Today I just supported MoveOn's campaign to Fire Marriage Amendment Supporters Elect A New Generation of Progressive Leaders to the U.S. House

Progressive/Liberal sites/alerts that I subscribe to:

Center for a New American Dream
People for the American Way
Care2

Some Anti-Bush sites:

ReDefeat Bush
Run Against Bush
Stop Bush in 2004

Kerry/Edwards in 2004

Derek Walcott

Here is the poem by Derek Walcott that Angel mentioned and quoted from in her comment to Running with Wild Women.

Love After Love

The time will come
When, with elation
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror
And each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott won a Nobel Prize in 1992.
Derek Walcott's Wikipedia entry.

Perspective

After searching for the last few weeks in our archive disks I finally found a number of poems I wrote when I was in high school and college.

Perspective

The book has been classified, catalogued, and shelved
The life of a hero written in prose
The story of the nation he rose

I saw the book and I liked the color
So, I read it while sitting on the beach
The life of a madman struggling to win
The hand of a maiden devoid of sin

Running with Wild Women

Zenchick's interesting encounter led me to Angel's blog where her July 8th entry talked about the book, Women Who Run with the Wolves:

I know that where I'm headed is full of warrior women. They are creative, forward-thinking, solutions oriented women. They are women who are living succulently, living juicy. They are artists and writers and painters and teachers and best yet, they are believers beyond the dogmatic restrictions that attempts to keep us all in chains. They are women with photos to show of all the places they have fearlessly travelled. They are warrior women, Women Who Run With The Wolves (and if you don't own that book by sister Clarissa Pinkola Estes, phD, do get it). And I know this: we are all getting ready for each other. We are in our separate spaces, feeling this urge in our bones, trying to find our way back to the pack. But we will get there, this I know.

I am reading Women Who Run with the Wolves right now. C. recomended it to me. She is reading it because her sister recomended it to her. After reading it, her sister changed, she was almost reborn. She found love and passion for the first time in her life. Coincidently, I am reading the copy that my sister gave me. Parts are highlighted so I can see the passages that were especially meaningful to her. I am so blessed to know so many vibrant, creative, juicy women through my real life and my online life.

Each woman has potential access to Rio Abajo Rio, this river beneath the river. She arrives there through deep meditation, dance, writing, painting, prayermaking, singing, drumming, active imagination, or any activity which requires an intense altered consciousness.
Excerpted from Women Who Run with the Wolves

Maybe we can add blogging to that list.

I leave you with one of my paintings created as I read Painting from the Source: Awakening the Artist's Soul in Everyone. It was one of the times I connected with my wilder feminine side.

Films are prodding me

I have watched three films in the last 24 hours. They were selected without apparent forethought, at the dictates of chance, and yet each one spoke to me deeply about appreciating life, exhorting me to live life to its fullest. Actually most films seem to be telling me that in some way or other. Maybe that's what good cinema does? The films I saw are:

City of Angels

I had seen this film before but I wanted to show it to my friend C. because I thought she would like it and we had recently seen Wings of Desire together. This modern remake is about savoring life but it does not show as deeply or effectively as Wings of Desire did, in my opinon. What was remarkable about seeing this was seeing it with C. She is such a positive person and she loved it so much. She appreciated that I showed it to her. It was so refreshing. I seem to be hanging out with so many jaded intellectuals that critique the life out of everything. This is not to say that C. isn't intelligent but she isn't only intelligent. She thinks with her heart and her mind and it really is beautiful to listen to her speak about things.

After C. left I wasn't tired so we watched another film.

About Schmidt

Nicholson is superb. He plays a retired actuary who is only now faced with discovering himself, not in comparison to others or from expectations or others, but his true self. Well what to do about that? He reaches out and makes feeble connections with others, often leading to misunderstandings. But slowly he begins to sort through things and the last scene in the film brings me to tears, here, now as I remember it. There don't seem to be any easy answers. We each have to get in our own RV and make our own mistakes.

Finally this afternoon we went to the Cinema Arts Centre to see Facing Windows.

Wow! What a great film. I feel like stopping people on the street and telling them to rush right over and see it. I already called C. and left a message. I felt stupid leaving such a message but sometimes things wear off, you know, and I wanted to tell her now, before ordinary life rushes in and dilutes it: See this film -- you must see this film. I don't want to write the plot here, you can read that on IMDb, I want to write that it was great and you should go see it, if you can. It's too fresh in me to describe. I looked at the clear, blue sky driving back from the theater and ... it was so incredibly beautiful and I wondered why aren't I just happy with that? Why isn't that enough for me? Why do other things creep into my mind and ruin it? I don't know.

Cherry Grove

Today we spent most of the day walking around taking pictures Cherry Grove, Fire Island, New York. It is a fun, beautiful, interesting place and a popular spot for gay vacationers. There are no cars (with a very few exceptions) so it is a great place to walk around. Instead of streets, there are boardwalks between the 'city' of cottages. I felt a great energy when I was there, there was a lot of acceptance of others and I felt a genuine friendliness. We often greeted and were greeted in return by people we saw. I mentioned this to my husband but he didn't notice it. It occurred to me that the judgments I often sense from others may not originate from them but from within myself and being in Cherry Grove allowed me to drop my self critical tendency and just enjoy the world around me.

Here is a sampling of what delighted my eye.



Near the pier where the ferry comes in, the rainbow symbolizes acceptance of many diverse lifestyle choices.




This part of Fire Island has lovely beaches. This picture shows walkways through dunes to beach.




People who live here for the summer make interesting garden displays. This is one of the most dramatic ones.



We saw some VERY tame deer there.




I saw this hose and was amazed. How can a hose be so beautiful?

Dinner for friends

Last night we had 2 couples over for dinner. It was fun to play gourmet cook again. For many years I have been fascinated by cooking and food given away more cookbooks that most sane people ever own. Now I have less than 50 but I supplement by getting books from the library and from cooking magazines. I don't make recipes from most of them. I do love to sit and page through them, tasting the food with my imagination. I also love to read food lore and learn about other cultures. One of the guests is a woman who loves French food and wine so I thought I would make that the theme. I posted the menu and the recipes in my food blog, The Nourishing Leaf. Check it out.

Wendy's at sunset

We got salads at Wendy's and ate them at the beach while we watched the sunset. I wanted to swim but then didn't feel like it. We walked along the beach for a while. A simple, relaxing evening.

Nightmare inside a nightmare

Last night I had a nightmare, one that really scared me.

In the dream I was sleeping and had a nightmare. I woke up in my childhood home and I heard music from the basement. This terrified me because I knew my husband and I were alone there. I went to the living room to tell him about my nightmare (I often do this in my waking life). I also told him about the music in the basement. Who could be down there? How did they get in? He went down to investigate. I was very scared and looked for some kind of weapon to defend myself. The kitchen table had a lot of things on it and I was fumbling around finding the best one. I heard someone coming so I quickly chose a glass of water. Then two blond children came running from the basement. They ran for the door. As the ran out of the house I threw the water from the glass at them. I turned around relieved that they were gone and I saw my husband running at me looking like a mad man with an angry look on his face. He came at me and grabbed me. At that moment I awoke for real and ran out to the living room to tell my husband about my dream so he could comfort me. During the dream, sound, light and my body was really distorted and that added a lot to the terror of it.

Interpretation

According to Betty Bethards in The Dream Book:

House = self
Basement = sexual awareness and unconscious
Kitchen = work area, cooking up plans and schemes
Table = daily activities
Glass/cup = spiritual heart of self. If overflowing you are attuned to divine love; if empty you are walling self off from love energy and life force within.
Water = emotional energy
Music = healing, creative flow of life
Children = Aspects of yourself, such as vulnerability, innocence, openness, flexibility, playfulness. Often suggest you have forgotten the child part of yourself.
Husband = masculine part of self, perception of relationship with husband
Fear = Being very close to truth and frightened to look at it. The other side of fear is insight. Seeing unknown parts of self and fearful of acknowledging them; resistance. Anything feared must be faced in order for it to go away. Your greatest fear is change; ironically, to change is the only reason you are here.

I awake very close to truth and frightened of it. I can sense healing music and creativity coming from my unconscious. I run for support from the masculine part of myself and he goes into my unconscious and brings up some aspects of myself, vulnerability etc. They run through the door and I throw emotional energy after them from my spiritual heart. I think they are gone but my male aspect comes to confront me, to make me see the change I must make.

I don't know what this change is. Maybe it is to have more respect for aspects of my unconscious, to nuture the children in the basement.

No Zen

I didn't go to zen tonight. I got home from work really tired and I took a 'nap' that lasted over an hour. I woke too late to go. This difficulty in doing what you 'say' you want to do and know is good for you has troubled me for as long as I can remember. I guess it is a fact of the human condition since many people I know voice this concern also. But why? It seems to me that if I could understand and circumvent this annoying propensity, I would accomplish a lot more in my life.

Progress

Half of my free months is gone. Wow, it has been quick. I am tempted to whine that I don't have enough time and just waste the rest of it. NO! Let's review the list:


Things I want to do:

1. Go to zen center twice a week, Wed evenings and Sunday morning

Missed a Wed but I will go tonight.

2. Meditate at home

Not yet.

3. Go to the gym or exercise outside or at home everyday

Only went once.

4. Go to movies with husband (Fahrenheit 9/11 is next on the list, probably tonight)

I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 and watched a lot DVD's.

5. Experiment in the kitchen more

I made some nice salads and plan to invite people this weekend.

6. Eat healthy/detoxify

Half/half. This trip to PA was filled with 'treats'.

7. Go to my family reunion next week

I did it!

8. Attend one or more Reiki workshops

Not yet.

9. Read a lot, go to the library/bookstore often

I went to Borders with my sister and brother-in-law. I have gone to Borders at home too. Not to the library yet.

10. Go to the beach, swim in the ocean as often as possible

I went once.

11. Finish my June's blog to do list

Not yet.

12. Get my hair done (appt Wed)

Finished!

13. Get a massage

Not yet.

14. Buy some nice clothes that fit, are comfortable, and look nice

I bought 3 outfits, some work out clothes and a new pair of crosstrainers.

15. Do art, paint, draw, make collages, etc

Not yet.

16. Spend time with uplifting friends

I little bit.

17. Go for walks, bike rides

Took some walks, especially with my sister in PA. No bike rides yet.

18. Do some re-decorating in the house (maybe--not sure I am up to it)

Probably won't get around to this one.

19. Write, think, explore dreams

Yes. Doing this a lot.

20. Dance

Not yet.

21. Sign up for that acting class (still hesitating for some reason)

Too late for this one. Maybe fall.

Returned

I am back home after my trip to PA. Traveling was fine. Traffic was sparse on the way there and manageable on the way back (yesterday afternoon). There is something very satisfying about a solitary road trip. I choose the music, the temperature, the route, the speed, and decide whether or not to stop. Yep, I did it MY WAY!

Few posts

There have been few posts of late. It is not because I don't have anything to say. I write posts in my head all the time. I just haven't felt like sitting down and writing them. For the last week I have been either lazing around or racing around. Today was definately a racing around day. Work was busy with students taking up the whole day. This evening I am preparing for my trip to PA for my family reunion. Running around packing, buying last minute necessities, returning library books and resting from the day's work. I will leave early (~5 AM) tomorrow and spend a few days with my sister after the reunion. I may write while I am away or not.

I did get my hair cut and highlighted on Wed. Here is the newer me.

God with a fish on her head

Today I had a problem
A big problem
All the stuff that makes your head spin
Lost love, betrayal, anger and pain
Guilt and fear – the whole game

I sat for hours
By a window, on a chair
I paged through holy books
I meditated inside myself
Breathing in and out
In and out

And I prayed
In a searching way
Not
Now I lay me...
Then
I looked up at the curtain
And there she was
God with a fish growing out of her head

August 1997

Does a flower struggle?

During his dharma talk today, my teacher reiterated that when one gives herself to a flower, the flower also gives itself, they become one and then there is no separation, no self, no flower. I began to think about this and jokingly thought it wasn't very fair that I have to struggle so much to give myself to the flower so I can become one with the flower but then the flower gets to become one with me after no work at all. I asked my teacher, "Does the flower struggle with me as I struggle?" Another wise student said that I am the one who sees the flower separate from myself, so I am the one who has to struggle. Aahh. I see.

Watching the sun go down

Nearly sunset at the beach
Scattered families enjoying the evening
Father teaching daughter how to ride her bike
Young family collecting ocean polished stones
And many cars parked facing the water, facing the decending sun
Tonight will not be the most spectacular sunset
Too few clouds
But still people have gathered for the event
One couple has snacks, chips and soda, to munch
While viewing the sunset like a drive-in movie
There is a Asian woman with dark sunglass watching alone
And many more have gathered
I wonder how many are regulars, addicted to the color-splashed sky and sound of surf
As the sun dips below the horizon, I watch them watching
An older couple drives off before the final sliver of sun is gone
As if the sight is too sad to watch
And then it is gone
More people drive away
Others stay, talking, walking, throwing rocks into the water
I think, what an odd thing to drive here to watch the sunset with TV and movies and books
And I also think, what a great thing to gather here and watch the sunset, a ceremony to our ancestors who gathered, a ritual to reinforce our connection to sky and earth, sun and moon, air and sea


Note: Although I live on the East Coast, there are beaches on Long Island Sound where the shore faces west

Open month

I am contemplating the things I want to do in the next month while my stepson is away. In general I want to focus on my personal growth and on spending quality time with my husband. I am firm believer in planning, that if I don't do some planning the time will run away from me, spent in 'drib-drabs' (my mom's word) on nothing. Especially, knowing me, it will be given to any person who asks for it. If I have a plan, it is easier to say no.

Things I want to do:

1. Go to zen center twice a week, Wed evenings and Sunday morning
2. Meditate at home
3. Go to the gym or exercise outside or at home everyday
4. Go to movies with husband (Fahrenheit 9/11 is next on the list, probably tonight)
5. Experiment in the kitchen more
6. Eat healthy/detoxify
7. Go to my family reunion next week
8. Attend one or more Reiki workshops
9. Read a lot, go to the library/bookstore often
10. Go to the beach, swim in the ocean as often as possible
11. Finish my June's blog to do list
12. Get my hair done (appt Wed)
13. Get a massage
14. Buy some nice clothes that fit, are comfortable, and look nice
15. Do art, paint, draw, make collages, etc
16. Spend time with uplifting friends
17. Go for walks, bike rides
18. Do some re-decorating in the house (maybe--not sure I am up to it)
19. Write, think, explore dreams
20. Dance
21. Sign up for that acting class (still hesitating for some reason)

Directionless

I am feeling out of sorts, stuck, and directionless. I haven't been able to concentratate on anything including posting here. At times like these I usually try to jump start myself. One way is to pick a tarot card and see if I can relate it to some aspect of my life that I need to address but have been avoiding. There is a nice website that has free tarot and other readings.

Here is my single card tarot for today.

The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.

I have felt rather burdened lately. My stepson is visiting his mother so I have more free time but as soon as time opens up it is like more demands rush in to fill the space. I think refusing to take on additional burdens is a good theme for today. I will try to keep it in mind.

Lifelong learning

I have been interested in learning my whole life. I was learning officially in school for about half of my life and now I am in a career that requires learning new facts and techniques daily. This is the exciting part of the job for me and probably what keeps me in this profession. In addition to learning things for work, I learn about things to enrich my after-work life. My interests are almost unbounded - from technology to the arts; from history to the spiritual nature of existence.

The internet has really allowed me to develop this interest into a near-obsession. I can't explain to you how pleasing it is to me to have a question in mind and be able to find an answer through a quick google search. I sometimes jump up from table to search for an answer to a question that has arisen in our dinner conversation. For more indepth study I use books, journals, and magazines. My favorite places are libraries and bookstores. But perhaps what is most fulfilling about this hobby is how coincidence and interconnections manifest themselves in the process. Often when I am interested in a topic there will be something about it on NPR, then I'll see something related in one of my emails, or a friend will mention something she read. It's like fishing, or the more vegetarian pursuit of birdwatching. When I have the interest, the bytes of information come to me as I pursue them and lead me into other domains in the interconnecting landscape of science, culture and spirit.

Some resources I have found useful in my learning quest:

Autodidactic Press
Charles Hayes, the founder, has a similar perspective on learning as I do and writes essays based on his own interests and reading. His quarterly newsletter features book reviews, at least one essay and other learning resources. It is a great place to get sparks.

UTNE Magazine and Cafe
I really like this magazine not only because it is interesting and has unusual, beyond the mainstream articles but also because, somehow, it has a big influence in my life. The timing of the articles just seems to fit with the timing of events in my life. When I needed a new car, an article about hybrids convinced me to buy one. When I was struggling with questions about why I didn't feel as comfortable as I felt other people did, either in my childhood hometown or in my current environment, I read an article about straddling the boundaries between blue collar and white collar society. (I plan to make this the topic of a future entry)

NPR
I think few people would argue with the statement that NPR is a great source of interesting tidbits worth pursuing further. And not just regarding foreign affairs or politics but more mundane but also very life enriching topics like popular music. It was due to a short piece on Johnny Cash that I got several of his CD's from the library and spent many enjoyable hours listening to them. The interview with Cash combined with his music also piqued an interest in the connection between spirit and sound - how can two version of the same song give such a different emotional expression to a song? Is it just mechanics? Or does something of the person, some form of energy, get transferred from the musician to the listener via the performance?

There are many more and I am sure this topic will resurface in this blog often.

Resistance

I went to zen today. I didn't want to. I laid in bed trying to talk myself out of it. My back hurt. I was tired. But mostly I was thinking that I had spent the whole week not doing the things I decided to do last week during and after meditation. I didn't meditate during the week. I didn't sign up for the acting class. I didn't practice the shoji's job so I could do it more correctly. I didn't read the chants so I would be able to keep up with the others. I was just pulled along with the current of today's overwhelming modern life. And I felt hopeless. What is the point of going just once a week? I asked myself. Better to stay in bed and not struggle. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and thankfully he did. That gave me the motivation to get up, get dressed and go. And now I am glad I did. We got there late enough that I didn't have to be shoji. Our teacher was there so we had a wonderful dharma discussion that really touched me. I was on the verge of tears. Of course, I am touched and cry at a lot of things that don't affect other people. The talk focused on our I am self (ego) and the separation and loneliness that results from our fixating on this point of view. I really felt the deep loneliness that is inherent in this way of life. It is this loneliness, this feeling that things aren't right somehow, that drives me to make this spiritual journey - to overcome my resistance and make one small, hesistant step at a time.

I was really grumpy this morning, fighting with my husband and stepson over nothing. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was in the air? Maybe everybody is grumpy like Kat and I? Those were my thoughts as I drove to work. I forced myself to ignore the light, fluffy clouds in the sky and the bright green leaves on the trees. Here, on Long Island, I often see people with grumpy, stern scowls on their faces (as I surely was wearing) and thought to my non-grumpy self that they should just get over it and notice all the beauty around them. Well, today I would have none of it. But just remembering how that self would have thought about how I was acting now put a small crack in my grumpiness. I walked from the garage to my work entrance, grumbling that I had to climb steps and then saw several pigeons cooing and walking pigeon walk. They were so beautiful. I guess I smiled in spite of myself and I looked beyond the pigeons where a woman was walking towards the entrance from another direction. She smiled at me like I was a long lost friend. Her face was familiar but I had never spoken to her. This gentle woman held the door for me and insisted I enter first, beaming all the while. I chose to use the steps to get some well-deserved (in my mind) coffee and a cranberry muffin. I looked over my shoulder and the woman was still looking at me and smiling so openly and lovingly while she waited for the elevator. As I climbed the stairs I started to cry, the tears washing the irritation and grouchiness away. I thought to myself what a wonderful thing to see a bodhisattva today.

From 1999

I was just rereading some of my old journals. Very interesting actually. Here is a poem I wrote on Saturday March 13th 1999:


Poet's Question

What do you think
When you read these words
I place on this page
Who am I asking
You, the love of my life
Or the stranger
Finding these words
Sometime after my death

Do you find them moving
Do you see my heart
As it opens briefly
And quickly closes again
Hiding in rhythm and sound

What do you think
Whoever you are
Or maybe I should ask
What do I think
Wherever I am
Whenever I am
Do these words show my heart
Can I open it
For you to see
Love of my life
Everything of me

Thai dinner

Three friends from work took me out to dinner tonight to a Thai restaurant for a belated birthday celebration. It was really nice of them. I had a lovely tofu salad and then basil vegetables. One of my friends brought a nice bottle of white wine with a delicate sparkle (the restaurant doesn't have a liquor license). We topped it off with honey fried bananas. Delicious!

I enjoyed the dinner a lot but I have to admit that I feel slightly uncomfortable when people do nice things like that for me. I would have been much happier if we were just going for no occasion or for one of their birthdays. I have trouble accepting/receiving.

I also feel a trifle off balance. We have had such a busy few weeks. I really needs some peace and quiet to unwind.

My face

I have a problem with body image. I was an overweight child and have been overweight for most of my 40 years. Not extremely overweight. Just plump, or chubby. Any way you call it, whether you're trying to make it sound good (pleasantly plump) or bad (butterball, one of my dad's nicknames for me) - it still sounds bad. Because of my poor body image, I tend to avoid mirrors. I don't have a mirror in the bedroom, I just never got around to getting one. I put on my makeup in the morning using the mirror of my compact. While putting on my makeup one morning, I noticed that I really like how I look in the compact. I realized I have nice eyes and lips. My nose isn't bad. I realized I am pretty and I feel pretty when I see part of myself in the small, round mirror. So why don't I like the whole picture, the whole face? Maybe it has more to do with how I feel about myself than how I actually look? Improving my body image is a mountain I will someday climb but I think first I will work on the small staircase of improving my poor face image one round mirrored step at a time.

Birthday aftermath

I am so tired!

Yesterday was an all day scientific symposium in honor of my supervisor. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago but this was the best time to get all the speakers together and have a large enough lecture hall in the university. I seem to be always thinking about this blog, while I was listening and taking notes on the lectures I also wrote this observation:

The all day symposium for my supervisor was a perfect reflection of his life - at least the one he shows to his professional associates. It started early in the morning, 8:00 am - the speakers had to arrive at 7:30 am. It was filled with science and scientists and every minute was used efficiently.

So beginning with a dinner Sunday night until lunch today, I have been involved in this.

I haven't even had time to think about turning 40. Today I had a physical and check up. Everything was good, low blood pressure and good EKG (I was worried about my high heart rates at the gym). I am still very concerned about my weight. I asked her to check thyroid hormone levels and cholesterol. I feel pretty good but I always feel like I should be doing more, I should have more energy.
Maybe that is more a reflection of my difficulty in being satisfied with my own accomplishments than anything else. But the people around me... My supervisor is 70. He climbs mountains and routinely beats men 30 years younger at tennis. He is very respected in the university and internationally. People came from the Netherlands, England, Israel, and Japan to be at this symposium.

No wonder I feel tired.

Today is my birthday...

I am 40 years old.

Sunday Zen

I went to Zen today. My teacher is in Spain but we (three of us) carry on without him. It is harder for me to concentrate, though, when he and his wife (who is my teacher too) aren't there. I didn't push my self very much, I just enjoyed the practice. Several thoughts came to me, like messages, as often happens during meditation. One was that I should be doing this more than once a week. The second is that I didn't sign up for the acting class yet. Looks like I am not pushing myself much at all. Change is tough... and scary. I dug up some inspiration - this poem really affected me the first time I read it and it is still powerful for me.

"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We are afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can’t. We will fall."
"Come to the edge."
And they came. And he pushed them.

And they flew.

-Appollinaire

I will try to exert a little more effort moving towards the edge this week.

Saturday's poem

Sun shines in a cloudless sky
Gentle breezes ripple bumblebee strewn clover
While I sip too hot China Green Tips tea from Starbucks
Sitting crosslegged on a wall behind a shopping center
Smelling the dumpster
Watching white butterflies flutter
And wondering if the guy driving by in the silver stationwagon thinks I'm weird
To want some sun, some bees, some green clover on this beautiful morning
And want it enough to ignore the garbage odor and freeway noise
I sip my tea and smile

Butterflies vs. Moths

While I was writing this poem, I was uncertain whether to use the word butterfly or moth. The poet in me said that butterfly sounded better. The scientist in me was troubled. Are there white butterflies? Are those insects fluttering there moths or butterflies? What is the difference between a moth and butterfly? The poet consoled the scientist by promising to add a bit about the difference between the two in a blog entry.

Here you are:

From The Butterfly Website FAQ

How can I tell a moth from a butterfly?

Butterflies and moths both belong to a group of insects called "lepidoptera", meaning that they have wings covered with scales. They are related in many ways. Butterflies are generally brightly-colored while moths are generally drab, though they are many dramatic exceptions to this. Almost all butterflies are active during the day, and most (but by no means all) moths are active at night. A good way to tell the difference is by their antennae. Butterfly antennae are shaped somewhat like a golf club, with a long shaft. Most moths have either simple filaments tapering to a point, or complicated affairs with many cross-filaments.


Well, I didn't see the antennae.

I searched the internet and I think the were Cabbage Whites(Pieris rapae). So they were butterflies after all.

Lumumba

We watched Lumumba last night. We chose it because of a recent review on Cahiers Du Cinema. It is an emotional movie about Congo's fight for independence from Belgium's colonial rule. Patrice Lumumba, Prime Minister for two months, was the leader of the MNC party and fought tirelessly for independence and self rule. The movie portrays him as a revolutionary and a man of high ideals and integrity. He is betrayed, his position taken away and finally he is brutally beaten and shot.

The film tells the story in a non-linear way the is very effective. The acting and cinematography are very good and give a strong realism to the picture. The film is in French with English subtitles. I was tired last night so sometimes it was hard to keep up with the subtitles. There is an English-dubbed version but I hate dubbing. I really enjoyed the soundtrack also. Overall, an excellent film. I recommend it highly.

After the film was over, we wanted to learn more about the history of Congo and Lumumba.
Wikipedia is a great site for information (it is a community generated open-content, open source encyclopedia with entries in several languages)

Patrice Lumumba

Democratic Republic of the Congo



Lumumba was also a poet.
Here is an excerpt from one of his poems that shows his love for his people and his fervent desire for their freedom from oppression:

You sang the chants that gave voice to your blues.
And sometimes to your joys, when sap rose in the trees
And you danced wildly in the damp of evening.
And out of this sprang forth, magnificent,
Alive and virile, like a bell of brass
Sounding your sorrow, that powerful music,
Jazz, now loved, admired throughout the world,
Compelling the white man to respect,
Announcing in clear loud tones from this time on
This country no longer belongs to him.
And thus you made the brothers of your race
Lift up their heads to see clear, straight ahead
The happy future bearing deliverance.
The banks of a great river in flower with hope
Are yours from this time onward.
The earth and all its riches
Are yours from this time onward.

--excerpted from "WEEP, BELOVED BLACK BROTHER" by Patrice Lumumba, translated from the French original by Lillian Lowenfels and Nan Apotheker.

Reading the history of Congo after Lumumba's death makes me sad. I hope his vision will be realized someday.

---

Lumumba

(*****)

All people are significant

D. told me a story of what happened to him at work. He asked the secretary for some insight on how to organize part of the user interface he is making. He told her that she had the best organizing skills in the department, better than professors and programmers and system administrators. She was so pleased that someone recognized her and her skills. I am sure her week was made. It reminded me how much we can make a difference in the lives of those arounds us, just by being kind and respectful to them.

It made me think of a related story I got in an email....

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."

"I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Anonymous comments turned on

I didn't realize that this blog was set to only allow blogger users to comment. I have now set it to allow anonymous comments. Welcome everyone! Speak freely now if you like!

Refuge from negative thoughts

In honor of a wonderful post at Kat's Paws I added another CD to my listening list. Refuge is a beautiful CD - a combination of Roth's rhythms and Tibetan chants by Russian singer/song writer, Boris Grebenshikov. This CD is not like most of Gabrielle Roth's others, it does not have a very fast tempo and I don't think it would work well for dancing the 5 rhythms. But for walking, giving a massage, working around the house or writing your blog it is great! And when I listen to it my negative thoughts slowly float away leaving me feeling peaceful and uplifted. I like the other CD's by Roth that I have, Bones, Trance, Zone Unknown, Tongues, and Ritual but Refuge is extra special.

Reiki, flaky?

I was reading the April 2004 issue of Self magazine in the gym today. I read an article about Spa treatments. The author was mostly making fun of strange, 'trendy' treatments, for example she described one in which hot oil is poured on your third eye (Shirodhara) to balance your prana. However, her description of Reiki was very positive. She describe two experiences, both which left her feeling more calm, relaxed and optimistic. Even though she said that Reiki sounds like flaky woo woo which I guess meant mystical and unscientific, she recommended it. Reading this made me aware of how much I miss going to the Healing Circles and sharing treatments with others. It just hasn't fit into my schedule since my stepson started to live with us full time. However, nothing stops me from practicing at home, giving myself treatments, or doing the exercises and meditations I was taught. Perhaps one reason is that Reiki seems to conflict with my rational, scientific profession. It is a dichotomy in me. I can't explain it but like the author of the article, Reiki has been nothing but positive for me. The calming, centering energy that flows through me when I am giving a treatment is wonderful. I can't explain it and most of my colleagues would say that it cannot work. And yet, it gives people something. I have not seen a miraculous healing. But I know that it has a positive effect. I tend to think that one human offering focused unconditional love to another for 60 minutes can't be anything but positive. I will make an effort to include Reiki in my life more often.

Update:

I gave myself a treatment last night after writing this entry. I didn't even get halfway through when I fell into a deep sleep and awoke refreshed and ready to start the day. I have been having a little trouble sleeping (which for me, a good sleeper, means waking up several times during the night) the last few nights and feeling tired during the day. Not last night, and I feel great this morning.

Compassion

Compassion by Mary Heebner

Practicing compassion

This practice was offered by the Dalai Lama and he suggested doing this every morning. He shared this practice with a group and told them that it will increase loving and compassion in the world, and asked everyone attending to go home and share it with as many people as possible.

The Practice of Compassion:

1. Spend 5 mintues at the beginning of each day remembering we all want the same thing (to be happy and loved) and we are all connected.

2. Spend 5 minutes cherishing ourself and others. Let go of judgments. Breathe in cherishing yourself, and breathe out cherishing others. If the faces of the people you are having difficulty with appear, cherish them as well.

3. During the day extend that attitude to everyone you meet - we are all the same and I cherish myself and you (do it with the grocery store clerk, the client, your family, cowoerkers, etc.)

4. Stay in practice, no matter what happens.

A first kiss...

I attended an all day sesshin at the Zen center today, beginning at 7 AM and finishing at 4 PM. There were about six 25 minute zazen (sitting meditation) sessions, interspersed with chanting, walking meditation, dharma discussion, and a formal meal. Although the sesshins are uncomfortable for me, especially the last couple zazens, I really love attending them. It is difficult to put into words but I feel like I make a lot of progress during these extended meditations. One insight I had today was an understanding of how it is possible to hold two ideas of one person in your mind at one time. I tend to think of things in black and white. This person is good and he does good things or this person is bad and he does bad things, although my designation of someone can change back and forth depending on their behavior. For a short time today I could really think about a person as good and really see the goodness, and at the same time know that the person was doing something not good. I could separate what the person was doing from what he is. At that moment I could relate to the true nature of the person, independent from his actions. As I was doing this, I realized that I had never really understood this before. I had read about it, spoken with others about it, and thought about it and even agreed that it was the correct way to think and believe. BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT IN MY HEART BEFORE TODAY! I also had a different perspective on walking meditation today. Usually I am watching the person in front of me, making sure I am in step with him. Today, I let my awareness expand a little and I was able to relax and be in step without watching. It is hard to explain and putting it into words makes it either sound trivial or magical but it is neither. I was able to be a bit more than just myself, I was able to also be a line of people walking in step. My teacher, Genshin, talked about the difference between talking about Buddha and Zen and practicing Zen -- sitting. He compared it to talking about kissing. You can describe kissing with words in great detail, you may even be able to list 100 different kinds of kissing and study each one, memorize the differences and similarities, compare and contrast. You could do this for years and become a great expert in kissing but you would know less than a young girl who has just experienced her first kiss. I have spent most of my life in the intellectual arena, learning about things from books on the mental plane. It is refreshing to walk in the experiential landscape, it has a deeper reality. I have always been troubled by the thought that I don't really know anything. I suppose I have been waiting to experience life, waiting for my first kiss.