Laurie's wit and heart

I have been listening to Laurie Anderson tonight. I find her lyrics so clever. I just wanted to share some of it with you in case you had never had the pleasure. Some of her work is quite experimental and it takes some time and an open mind but I think its worth it. I recommend Strange Angels or Big Science to start with. Here are some of my favorites.




You're walking. And you don't always realize it,
but you're always falling.
With each step you fall forward slightly.
And then catch yourself from falling.
Over and over, you're falling.
And then catching yourself from falling.
And this is how you can be walking and falling
at the same time.
---From Walking & Falling by Laurie Anderson

It was a large room. Full of people. All kinds.
And they had all arrived at the same buidling
at more or less the same time.
And they were all free. And they were all
asking themselves the same question:
What is behind that curtain?

You were born. And so you're free. So happy birthday.
---From Born, Never Asked by Laurie Anderson

I met this guy - and he looked like might have
been a hat check clerk at an ice rink.
Which, in fact, he turned out to be. And I said:
Oh boy. Right again.

Let X=X. You know, it could be you.
It's a sky-blue sky. Satellites are out tonight.
Let X=X.

You know, I could write a book. And this book would
be think enough to stun an ox. Cause I can see the
future and it's a place - about 70 miles east of
here. Where it's lighter. Linger on over here.
Got the time?
--From Let X=X by Laurie Anderson





And just as I started to leave
Just as I turned to go
I saw a man who'd fallen
He was lying on his back in the snow.

Some people walk on water
Some people walk on broken glass
Some just walk round and round
in their dreams
Some just keep falling down.

So when you see a man who's broken
Pick him up and carry him
And when you see a woman who's broken
Put her all into your arms
Cause we don't know where we come from
We don't know what we are.

So when you see a man who's broken
Pick him up and carry him
And when you see a woman who's broken
Put her all into your arms
Cause we don't know where we come frm.
We don't know what we are.
---From Ramon by Laurie Anderson
--

Sad today

I am down today. Feeling a bit hopeless. I dug up an old poem, it doesn't exactly match my mood, it is a bit too positive but maybe that is good.

Comfort

Bring me a quiet handful of water on which I may sleep
Pour me a gentle breeze to cool my worldly heat
Sing to me silently, soothe my burdened ear
And with the darkness blanket me so I will feel secure

Life has treated me harshly today
But no worse than to those before
All of us claimed life, now we have to pay
With suffering and weariness -- each fight his own war

Now it is the resting hour before the break of day
Life will once again begin with the suns first ray
But now within all the peacefulness
I will close my eyes and calmly rest

Life will accept me soon again
With its barbed wire arms
The way it accepts all men
To keep them from the Void’s dark charms

Oh, Quiet Darkness, must I go?
The time of living is filled with woe
And I would like to be in the place
Where only silence shows its face

Ambiguity and Contradiction

John's post got me thinking about ambiguity and contradiction. So I did what I usually do when I am starting to think... I google it. I found a few more quotes:

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
Gilda Radner (1946-1989)

I love this quote. This is a lot like how I view life although I haven't gotten to the stage where I can honestly say 'delicious ambiguity'. Maybe I can pretend say it, like, look at me I understand something profound, but I can't really say it because I really hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I also really hate when what happens next is not what I was planning to happen. I especially hate when what happens next is totally the opposite of what I wanted to happen. Now I am living with this displeasure and beginning to accept it, beginning to let it go, beginning to say "ok, it doesn't matter" with a touch of honesty, with a molecule of sincerity. Right now it is not delicious but I can manage to gag it down and keep it there.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes).
Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

This quote is also great (would I put them here if I didn't love them?). On the surface it may not seem spiritual but rather arrogant, sort of I am above the law of logic and consequence. And maybe that is what it is about partially but its not arrogance. To me he is saying that we are humans, three dimensional beings that have good and evil, happy and sad, black, white and 256 shades of gray inside us. Yes, it is inside us. This reminds me of the film Pleasantville when David (Bud) is telling Big Bob, the mayor of the city, that he has all these emotions and colors inside him. What is keeping Big Bob or me from experiencing all these contradictions? Fear. In my case, it is mostly fear of contradicting myself, fear of being wrong, fear of turning out to be someone I didn't expect to be. It is very reassuring to say to myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. It means that when I do something not-so-nice, when I think something terrible, (think of the Tori Amos song I can be cruel/I don't know why/Why can't my balloon stay up/In a perfectly windy sky) it doesn't mean I am a terrible, evil person, it means I am large, large enough to contain good and evil, like everybody, and not be evil. So that means, you contain good and evil, and that guy who cut me off today on my way to work contains some good too.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.
F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940)

This is an interesting exercise. Have you ever tried it? The difficulty increases with your attachment to one of the ideas. For instance, if you don't care if a certain country wins the most gold medals in the Summer Olympics, you can hold in your mind any number of countries winning. It doesn't matter to you. But what about something your really care about. For me that would be more like the abortion issue or capital punishment or something else that I feel strongly about. That is when I am challenged to hold the opposing view in my mind at the same time. But I believe that it is important to attempt, not because it proves you are highly intelligent, but because it protects you from dogmatism and radicalism. I remember reading a book about the Dalai Lama (may have been The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living) and the author asked the Dalai Lama a question that the author later admitted sounded very arrogant and presumptuous on his part. What inspired the author was that the Dalai Lama took time to consider both sides (the author's and his own) before answering. Just by the act of pausing and once again considering both points of view, you prevent yourself from reacting, you give your self the opportunity to chose once again what you believe to be the best choice.

Either too wet or too dry

Found this quiz while reading Nehanda Dreams
But she got to be a cool place - the deepest part of the ocean. It turns out I am all wet....

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

Since I wasn't too impressed, I did the quiz again and got ...


Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

So there you have it, either I am too wet or too dry. Maybe this is one of those times when I am taking things too seriously, huh?

Razor's Edge

Arise! Awake! Approach the great and learn. Like the sharp edge of a razor is that path, so the wise say—hard to tread and difficult to cross. -- Katha Upanishad

Last night we watched Razor's Edge, the 1984 adaptation of W. Somerset Maugham's novel by the same name starring Bill Murray. I love this movie. First of all, I love Bill Murray. I loved Groundhog Day, I loved Lost in Translation and Razor's Edge has the same style. Bill Murray worked with director John Byrum on the screenplay and according the NY Times and other sources I found, only agreed to make the hit Ghostbusters if Columbia would make Razor's Edge.

In Razor's Edge, Murray plays Larry Darrell, a WWI veteran come soul searcher. He leaves his friends and future fiance (Isabel) to live in Paris, think, read spiritual books, and pack fish. Isabel waits for a while for him to 'come to his senses' but then marries his friend and has two kids. Meanwhile, he meets up with a spiritually minded coal miner who tells him about India and gives him a copy of The Upanishads. He then travels to India himself. Later he returns to Paris and tries to live his spiritual practice, not on the mountain but in the real world.

What I love the most about the movie is the calm equanimity that Larry (and Bill) displays after he returns from India, even when terrible things happen and it would be easy to descend into bitterness and blame. But he walks the 'razor's edge'. He refuses to see people as only their worst selves, even when that's what they are being. He reaches beyond the present and material and offers compassion. It was quite inspirational for me.

Opening the door

Bluebeard's wife about to open the forbidden door
(1905 illustration by J. Watson Davis)
found on Susan Elizabeth Sweeney's homepage

Bluebeard

I am currently reading Chapter 2: Stalking the Intruder: The Beginning Initiation of Women Who Run with the Wolves. In this chapter Dr. Estes analyzes the Bluebeard (a similar web version) story. The chapter is long and has a lot of departure points that could be turned into complete essays, so I am trying hard to stay focused.

The woman who marries Bluebeard is naive and out of touch with her wild instincts that would have warned her about him. This can happen in our modern outer life as well. Many women get involved in relationships or situations where they are in danger due to their initial naivete. Bluebird gives his wife all the keys but one of them she is forbidden to use. However she must use this key and follow her curiosity.

In reality, the trivialization of women's curiosity so that it seems like nothing more than irksome snooping denies woman's insight, hunches, intuitions. It denies all her senses. It attempts to attack her fundamental power.

A personal note here. The first time I read (but did not finish) this book I was very disturbed by this and it is probably why I didn't finish reading. There was a strong voice inside me that said, "No, don't open the door, you will ruin everything!" I was really stuck in the 'good girl' mode. Don't do anything they don't want you to do. Don't rock the boat. Just smile. {A real aside, I love the Simpsons episode where Lisa's mom (Marge) tells her to smile no matter what or people won't think Marge is a good mother. Then she sees Lisa smiling as boys are insulting her and she rushes over and says to Lisa she should be however she is and if she is sad she can be sad.}

Regarding this reluctance, Dr. Estes says:

Women strengthen this barrier or door when they engage in a form of negative self-encouragement which warns them not to think or dive too deeply, for "you may get more than you bargained for."

Part of my problem has been not only a fear of loss of all that I have but a fear of seeing "shocking carnage in some part" of my life. Because once you know something, you can't unknow it. Like the key that won't be cleaned, "will not cease to give the cry that something is wrong."

When women open the doors of their own lives and survey the carnage there in those out-of-the-way places, they most often find they have been allowing assassination of their most crucial dreams, goals, and hopes.

Dr. Estes also talks about an internal Bluebeard, an animal groom, the predator, who is a part of every woman's psych.

We dismantle the predator by countering its diatribes with our own nurturant truths. Predator: "You never finish anything you start." Yourself: "I finish many things."

And by doing this inner work of dismantling the predator, lessening its strength, we are making the world a better place for everyone.

...any individuation work done by humans also changes the darkness in the collective unconscious of all humans.

And

By retrieving these powers from the shadows of our psyches, we shall not be simple victims of internal or external circumstances.

I know I have a lot of work to do. A lot of keys to find, a lot of doors to open, and a lot of blood and destruction to view, but now, finally, I am ready to do the work. To tiptoe down the rickety stairs to the deep dark basement.

True Majority

After reading the principles of True Majority in Be the Change, I decided to join.

Ben Cohen, Co-founder, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream says he started TrueMajority in order to compound the power of all those who believe in social justice, giving children a decent start in life, protecting the environment, and America working in cooperation with the world community. The organization monitors US policies with these ideals in mind and when there is something to do they send a short email alert that explaining the situation and they will automatically fax letters to Congresspeople.

The email they sent me after I signed up said this:

There are over 50 million of us that share these concerns but we've ended
up fragmenting ourselves because each of us can only concentrate on one
or two issues. Or for some of us we've just felt powerless. The TrueMajority
can unite us into a force that is even more powerful than the Christian
Right or the NRA.

Let's hope so.

More books

I went to Border's Friday night, just to browse, of course, but I bought a book, 365 Tao : Daily Meditations and a magazine, Yoga Journal (website). I have wanted the book since Angel gave it such high praise "** Did I mention, this is the first and last book I read everyday? **" The articles that caught my eye in the August issue of Yoga Journal were "7 steps for turning bad habits into good ones" and "Be happy from the inside out".

Quote from Yoga Journal:

You cannot do yoga. Yoga is your natural state. What you can do are yoga exercises, which may reveal to you where you are resisting your natural state. What is this natural state? Eternal, everlasting happiness: bliss." -Sharon Gannon, Jivamukti Yoga Cofounder

A good thing to keep in mind.

Am I famous yet?

~Z~ from theatter left me a nice comment and then wrote a blog entry about lil ol' me. A day or so ago Angel mentioned me too. This attention might be making my head a bit big but I started to wonder how many blog sidebars I am on.

Here's the list as far as I can tell (is there some easy way to tell?)

• A Mindful Life
• Kat's Paws
• John's Dharma Path
• Luminous Heart
• queen of cups
• the not-so-daily news

I guess it's not really fame but I never really expected anyone to read this blog. I am amazed at the thoughtful, kind, and interesting people I have 'met' through blogging. So thanks to all of you who have read my words, commented, listed me on your blog, and made me feel welcome in this exciting, addictive, new world.

Friday morning sensations

Morning light filtered by white curtain
Silky soft cat fur and low purring
Foot slaps through hall to the kitchen
Click of electric tea kettle
Hum of smooth cool laptop on bare legs
Bright bitter taste of hot green tea with lemon
Hot water on stiff lower back
Wonderful scent of grape seed shower gel
Buzzzzzz of electric toothbrush and minty taste
Comforting support of New Balance cross trainers
Smooth slide and thud of sliding door closing
Bright sun in eyes
Ready for another day

Inspired by Saturday Morning Me by Easy Bake Coven
which I first saw in rune's blog, queen of cups

Progressing in politics

Ah politics. When I started this blog, I decided that I didn't want to discuss politics or current events. Why? Well, I don't like controversy, I don't like heated arguments, I tend to avoid confrontation. But I have been rethinking my choice lately. So much is going on in the world and in this country. So much that I don't agree with, that I don't like. It seems like a time that everyone should speak their voice, do what they can, or be prepared to accept responsibility for the atrocities done in their name by their leaders. Maybe I am late in coming to this conclusion, but here I am. And this is a difficult choice for me personally. I have a deep seated fear of bringing attention to myself, of speaking out for things I believe in, of ridicule, of rejection. I have hidden behind provable facts in my profession so I don't have to have an opinion, just state facts, results of experiments. At the end of Fahrenheit 9/11 I clapped with the others in the audience, but then thought and looked around to see if I was in the majority. When leaving the theater, I started to worry. What if there were reporters? What if someone wanted my opinion? I was relieved to see no one. I could pretend I had just seen something mindless and uncontroversial like Spiderman 2. I know what I believe in but I don't feel like defending it to anyone. I am a member of the Green party. I vote for the most liberal candidates available. I support/supported Kucinich's campaign. I send emails and faxes to support the environment and progressive politics. I get lot's of alerts and emails. But these things are rather anonymous. I can hide behind my computer screen and my credit card. I know that a blog is rather anonymous too but it is a start.

Today I just supported MoveOn's campaign to Fire Marriage Amendment Supporters Elect A New Generation of Progressive Leaders to the U.S. House

Progressive/Liberal sites/alerts that I subscribe to:

Center for a New American Dream
People for the American Way
Care2

Some Anti-Bush sites:

ReDefeat Bush
Run Against Bush
Stop Bush in 2004

Kerry/Edwards in 2004

Derek Walcott

Here is the poem by Derek Walcott that Angel mentioned and quoted from in her comment to Running with Wild Women.

Love After Love

The time will come
When, with elation
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror
And each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott won a Nobel Prize in 1992.
Derek Walcott's Wikipedia entry.

Perspective

After searching for the last few weeks in our archive disks I finally found a number of poems I wrote when I was in high school and college.

Perspective

The book has been classified, catalogued, and shelved
The life of a hero written in prose
The story of the nation he rose

I saw the book and I liked the color
So, I read it while sitting on the beach
The life of a madman struggling to win
The hand of a maiden devoid of sin

Running with Wild Women

Zenchick's interesting encounter led me to Angel's blog where her July 8th entry talked about the book, Women Who Run with the Wolves:

I know that where I'm headed is full of warrior women. They are creative, forward-thinking, solutions oriented women. They are women who are living succulently, living juicy. They are artists and writers and painters and teachers and best yet, they are believers beyond the dogmatic restrictions that attempts to keep us all in chains. They are women with photos to show of all the places they have fearlessly travelled. They are warrior women, Women Who Run With The Wolves (and if you don't own that book by sister Clarissa Pinkola Estes, phD, do get it). And I know this: we are all getting ready for each other. We are in our separate spaces, feeling this urge in our bones, trying to find our way back to the pack. But we will get there, this I know.

I am reading Women Who Run with the Wolves right now. C. recomended it to me. She is reading it because her sister recomended it to her. After reading it, her sister changed, she was almost reborn. She found love and passion for the first time in her life. Coincidently, I am reading the copy that my sister gave me. Parts are highlighted so I can see the passages that were especially meaningful to her. I am so blessed to know so many vibrant, creative, juicy women through my real life and my online life.

Each woman has potential access to Rio Abajo Rio, this river beneath the river. She arrives there through deep meditation, dance, writing, painting, prayermaking, singing, drumming, active imagination, or any activity which requires an intense altered consciousness.
Excerpted from Women Who Run with the Wolves

Maybe we can add blogging to that list.

I leave you with one of my paintings created as I read Painting from the Source: Awakening the Artist's Soul in Everyone. It was one of the times I connected with my wilder feminine side.

Films are prodding me

I have watched three films in the last 24 hours. They were selected without apparent forethought, at the dictates of chance, and yet each one spoke to me deeply about appreciating life, exhorting me to live life to its fullest. Actually most films seem to be telling me that in some way or other. Maybe that's what good cinema does? The films I saw are:

City of Angels

I had seen this film before but I wanted to show it to my friend C. because I thought she would like it and we had recently seen Wings of Desire together. This modern remake is about savoring life but it does not show as deeply or effectively as Wings of Desire did, in my opinon. What was remarkable about seeing this was seeing it with C. She is such a positive person and she loved it so much. She appreciated that I showed it to her. It was so refreshing. I seem to be hanging out with so many jaded intellectuals that critique the life out of everything. This is not to say that C. isn't intelligent but she isn't only intelligent. She thinks with her heart and her mind and it really is beautiful to listen to her speak about things.

After C. left I wasn't tired so we watched another film.

About Schmidt

Nicholson is superb. He plays a retired actuary who is only now faced with discovering himself, not in comparison to others or from expectations or others, but his true self. Well what to do about that? He reaches out and makes feeble connections with others, often leading to misunderstandings. But slowly he begins to sort through things and the last scene in the film brings me to tears, here, now as I remember it. There don't seem to be any easy answers. We each have to get in our own RV and make our own mistakes.

Finally this afternoon we went to the Cinema Arts Centre to see Facing Windows.

Wow! What a great film. I feel like stopping people on the street and telling them to rush right over and see it. I already called C. and left a message. I felt stupid leaving such a message but sometimes things wear off, you know, and I wanted to tell her now, before ordinary life rushes in and dilutes it: See this film -- you must see this film. I don't want to write the plot here, you can read that on IMDb, I want to write that it was great and you should go see it, if you can. It's too fresh in me to describe. I looked at the clear, blue sky driving back from the theater and ... it was so incredibly beautiful and I wondered why aren't I just happy with that? Why isn't that enough for me? Why do other things creep into my mind and ruin it? I don't know.

Cherry Grove

Today we spent most of the day walking around taking pictures Cherry Grove, Fire Island, New York. It is a fun, beautiful, interesting place and a popular spot for gay vacationers. There are no cars (with a very few exceptions) so it is a great place to walk around. Instead of streets, there are boardwalks between the 'city' of cottages. I felt a great energy when I was there, there was a lot of acceptance of others and I felt a genuine friendliness. We often greeted and were greeted in return by people we saw. I mentioned this to my husband but he didn't notice it. It occurred to me that the judgments I often sense from others may not originate from them but from within myself and being in Cherry Grove allowed me to drop my self critical tendency and just enjoy the world around me.

Here is a sampling of what delighted my eye.



Near the pier where the ferry comes in, the rainbow symbolizes acceptance of many diverse lifestyle choices.




This part of Fire Island has lovely beaches. This picture shows walkways through dunes to beach.




People who live here for the summer make interesting garden displays. This is one of the most dramatic ones.



We saw some VERY tame deer there.




I saw this hose and was amazed. How can a hose be so beautiful?

Dinner for friends

Last night we had 2 couples over for dinner. It was fun to play gourmet cook again. For many years I have been fascinated by cooking and food given away more cookbooks that most sane people ever own. Now I have less than 50 but I supplement by getting books from the library and from cooking magazines. I don't make recipes from most of them. I do love to sit and page through them, tasting the food with my imagination. I also love to read food lore and learn about other cultures. One of the guests is a woman who loves French food and wine so I thought I would make that the theme. I posted the menu and the recipes in my food blog, The Nourishing Leaf. Check it out.

Wendy's at sunset

We got salads at Wendy's and ate them at the beach while we watched the sunset. I wanted to swim but then didn't feel like it. We walked along the beach for a while. A simple, relaxing evening.

Nightmare inside a nightmare

Last night I had a nightmare, one that really scared me.

In the dream I was sleeping and had a nightmare. I woke up in my childhood home and I heard music from the basement. This terrified me because I knew my husband and I were alone there. I went to the living room to tell him about my nightmare (I often do this in my waking life). I also told him about the music in the basement. Who could be down there? How did they get in? He went down to investigate. I was very scared and looked for some kind of weapon to defend myself. The kitchen table had a lot of things on it and I was fumbling around finding the best one. I heard someone coming so I quickly chose a glass of water. Then two blond children came running from the basement. They ran for the door. As the ran out of the house I threw the water from the glass at them. I turned around relieved that they were gone and I saw my husband running at me looking like a mad man with an angry look on his face. He came at me and grabbed me. At that moment I awoke for real and ran out to the living room to tell my husband about my dream so he could comfort me. During the dream, sound, light and my body was really distorted and that added a lot to the terror of it.

Interpretation

According to Betty Bethards in The Dream Book:

House = self
Basement = sexual awareness and unconscious
Kitchen = work area, cooking up plans and schemes
Table = daily activities
Glass/cup = spiritual heart of self. If overflowing you are attuned to divine love; if empty you are walling self off from love energy and life force within.
Water = emotional energy
Music = healing, creative flow of life
Children = Aspects of yourself, such as vulnerability, innocence, openness, flexibility, playfulness. Often suggest you have forgotten the child part of yourself.
Husband = masculine part of self, perception of relationship with husband
Fear = Being very close to truth and frightened to look at it. The other side of fear is insight. Seeing unknown parts of self and fearful of acknowledging them; resistance. Anything feared must be faced in order for it to go away. Your greatest fear is change; ironically, to change is the only reason you are here.

I awake very close to truth and frightened of it. I can sense healing music and creativity coming from my unconscious. I run for support from the masculine part of myself and he goes into my unconscious and brings up some aspects of myself, vulnerability etc. They run through the door and I throw emotional energy after them from my spiritual heart. I think they are gone but my male aspect comes to confront me, to make me see the change I must make.

I don't know what this change is. Maybe it is to have more respect for aspects of my unconscious, to nuture the children in the basement.