Last Friday
Angel posted:
Over the past few weeks I've been really trying to consciously be kinder and gentler to myself; to recognize all the good that I've done and all the good that I've received.
I was reading it and mulling it over in my mind. I was doing that too, for a while, but somehow I just stopped and slipped into my usual hyper critical inner voice. I pick up the book I am reading,
Women Who Run With the Wolves and read this:
... women who are raised in families that are not accepting of their gifts often set off on tremenodously big quests--over and over, and they do not know why. They feel they must have three Ph.D.s or that they have to hang upside down from Mount Everest, or that they must execute all manner of dangerous, time-consuming and money-eating endeavors to try to prove to their families that they have worth. "Now will you accept me? No? Okay (sigh), watch this."... However, we can see that for the deep work to continue, trying to prove one's worth to the chorus of jealous hags [internal critics] is pointless, and as we shall see, in fact impedes the initiation.
Maybe this is part of my inner drive to achieve but at what price? I am unhappy with myself most of the time. From other sources I have read that one can stop trying to prove their worth and just accept that they are worthy, just decide it. I guess it doesn't work to just decide it once, but one must keep on deciding it each day.
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4 comments:
tinne... i am truly enjoying the passages you post from Women Who Run With the Wolves. i have the book but have yet to read it. today's passage reminded me of myself several years ago... always trying and never quite making it. one day i totally gave up trying.
i decided to be me and to hell with whoever didn't like me. i knew i was basically a good person and i was done with looking for acceptance and applause. wanna know what happened? it took a while, but eventually i became respected for the woman i am, not the woman others wished me to be.
at times it can be a struggle because every so often i allow the "uninvited committee" to take up residence in my head. but for the most part, i'm happier now than i've ever been in my 52 years and i firmly believe it's because i finally said, "Enough."
sincerely,
~ Z ~ of theattar
Tinne.
I, too, have been intending to read this book for a while. I'm meandering along a similar path of self-acceptance and compassion, and I've found precisely what you discovered: it's not a decision one makes once, but a moment-by-moment choice.
I have high hopes that eventually it will become engrained, habitual, and that those old inner voices will sweeten. For now, though, I've been humbled to find how easily I'll revert to self-criticism.
So be good to yourself! And thank you, again, for the WWRWtW selections.
PS. I just noticed the Reiki link in your sidebar? Are you attuned? Do you practice on yourself? It goes without saying that I often find that this helps me be more gentle.
Siona,
Sorry I didn't see these comments until just now. Blogger is supposed to email me... oh well. It is a long difficult road but definately one worth trudging through. I have studied Reiki up to Reiki III (advanced practitioner) not that these levels are something to hold up for show or to boast about, I don't mean that. But I have felt my practice deepen as I went further. Lately, though I have been sorely neglecting it. I practice on myself when I remember. And you are right, it helps encourage gentleness and slowing down.
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