Why do I still feel like a child? I am 40 years old. And I don't mean a child in a fun-loving creative way. I don't mean jumping for joy and dancing in the sunlight. I mean sitting in a meeting full of faculty colleagues (but not actually colleagues because they are tenured or tenure-track and I am not) and feeling powerless, small and weak. I mean thinking about my life and how I left home to get a break from a stressful family situation and it seems so petty and childish. I mean thinking about being alone and feeling scared and wanting to call out to someone. But there is no one to call out to. I am an adult. I can't be comforted by a soft teddy bear or my thumb in my mouth any more. I am 40 years old and I am all alone.
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2 comments:
Oh Tinne, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I wonder if you've been holding things together for so long and this is the floodgates releasing?
I hope you can find some center point to rest in. In the meantime, know you're not alone.
Love and blessings,
Mahala ~ LuminousHeart
It's just pretty damn scary, take it all in all. The world, and what we're supposed to do in it. It doesn't really make sense and it's drenched with suffering.
Anyway, one thing that your response to it all is NOT, is any indication of immaturity. Au contraire.
I don't know why trying to comfort yourself with a teddy bear or a thumb is considered childish, while trying to do it with, say, academic achievements or love-relationships is considered adult.
What's adult is exactly what you're doing here. To experience this fear and loneliness precisely as fear and loneliness, rather than experiencing it as the lack of a teddy bear or the lack of a tenure-track job.
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