Tinne's Path

Morning musings

2010-07-27T07:20:00.000-04:00

I got up this morning
Puttered around the virtual world
Ate my bran cereal
Took four pills with diet gingerale
Read my morning email, fresh from midnight
And fed the fish

What I didn't do is a lot more
I didn't do yoga
Or take a morning walk in the misty glow
I didn't bake bread
I didn't read poetry or philosophy
I didn't chant or sing or pray
And yet, I decide it is a good start
To another day

Inner Dialog

2010-07-21T06:14:00.009-04:00

I am moved to write this morning. I am not sure why this impulse comes to me so infrequently but I am learning to be more gentle with myself and go with the flow more. I had and still have so many expectations of myself. If I am going to blog, it should be every day. Just another chore to fall by the wayside like daily yoga, daily meditation, daily reading.... I am slowly realizing that this drill sergeant mentality isn't working for me.

So what inspired this post? I was reading blog posts by two fascinating writers, Crap Mariner and Kris Schomaker/Gracie Kendal, both of whom are struggling with their own self judgement. What is amazing to me is that I admire both of them so much, to me they are so successful and accomplished, and yet they struggle just like I do. Their judgments and self-criticisms sound remarkably similar to my own. In fact, my own critical voice uses all their accomplishments (blogging, creative endeavors, virtual fame etc) to point out my lack. But deep down a little voice defends me. Perhaps I have some accomplishments of my own too that I am under-representing in my own mind the way I see them under-representing theirs.

I have been working towards moderating my overly critical self image and high expectations for years with great success or little progress, depending on which part of me is making the assessment. But my recent illness adds a new wrinkle to this. I have had to lower my expectations significantly. In early June, right after it happened, I put most off most of my projects and non-critical decision until August, what I thought would be the magic month when I would be 'back to normal.' With August approaching, I am starting to worry that there will be nothing magic about August and at the same time I have this antsy feeling like I do want to start something. I know that this inspiration is another desperate attempt to do something that I can finally be proud of and that will allow my critical self to accept me. This is a false hope. By design, the inner critic is never pleased and never accepting.

And this is where I start to feel a glimmer of self-satisfaction. I smile. I know this. And if I can create this powerful, unrelenting inner critic, I can also create a faithful, stalwart inner supporter.

A new path...

2010-06-20T10:43:00.003-04:00

I am writing in this blog again, after ... so long ... nearly 5 years! Hard to believe. And so much has changed. I won't go into it all. What I want to do is start from here. Start anew. A recent event has had a dramatic effect on my life. A little over 3 weeks ago I had a heart attack due to a dissected right coronary artery. It came completely out of the blue -- spontaneous is the term the doctors use. No trauma, no plaque, no discernible cause. Spontaneous.

The first few days, I felt so fragile and I felt betrayed by my body. How could it do this to me? What will happen next? Every twinge of pain brought panic. I toughed it out. After the first day I stopped asking for anything stronger than Tylenol. I walked up and down the hallway to gain strength and fight boredom. I also felt a huge wave of support and love from friends and family all over the world.

The love and support from friends and family really helped me. Tim visited me each day and would read all the comments and posts to my and his facebook pages. It helped me feel stronger and grateful... it brought me fully back into this world after my short escape (my heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital).

Now I am feeling more and more like my old self. I am walking further, doing more. I am working part time and feeling less exhausted from work. I even thought that I would like to ride my bike. I have been afraid of biking since I am taking medicine to thin my blood.

My illness has invoked a bit of contemplation in me. Not at first but more recently. One thing I am grateful for is that I have not felt much like a victim. I think about how lucky I was that it happened when it did and where it did so I could get the quick and competent medical help I needed to survive. I was lucky that Tim was around, that he was cool headed and called 911. I am grateful that this event left me with a feeling a gratitude and being blessed.

However, I can't help but to wonder why this happened and if it was a message to me in some way. Yes, I am a believer in messages. Although, whether they originate from God, the Universe, or one's own soul, I am not sure. I do believe they should be listened to. So what message was sent to me? Why my heart?

Birdwatching and the KGB

2005-09-16T18:23:00.000-04:00

What do you get when you mix a camera attached to a 400 mm lens, a Russian nuclear power plant, and a small Siberian bird?

A mandatory trip to the local police station in a police car!

My husband, Dima, has a hobby/obsession - photographing birds. And the lenses he uses on his camera are BIG. Even on Long Island he gets second glances and sometimes questions from strangers.

Man: Wow! How far away can things be for you to take a picture of them with that lens?
Dima: Well, I just took a picture of the setting sun.
Vaudevillian drum: Bomp Bomp

(personally I thought this was a little mean and would have given the man the kind of answer he expected but the confused look on the man's face went over my husband's head completely)

Anyway, back to the story.

The main purpose of our trip to Russia was to visit with Dima's elderly parents and his sister. He hadn't seen them for five years. They live in a small town (pop 20,000) about 30 miles from Yekaterinburg, a major city in the Ural mountains of Russia. Dima's hometown, Zarechny, was built specifically to support the nuclear power plant. The river was dammed to create a large lake to be used a sink for the heat generated by the power plant. It is a beautiful town in many ways. There are many trees, tall Siberian pines and beautiful white birches.

There is the huge lake.

These features make a nice place for birding and bird photography and we had planned to do this. We weren't planning on site seeing, we wanted to spend time with family, but as everyone knows, you can't spend every minute of 10 days with family and remain sane. Our morning birding trips gave use fresh air, exercise and some space. Unfortunately they caused some trouble too.

In Russia, most people live in apartment buildings, even in small towns like Zahrechny. Dima's sister's (Olya's) building had about 30 apartments in a 3 story building. Behind every building is a yard of sorts. Behind Olya's building was a sort of weed strewn lot with trees, benches, and playground equipment. It is not clear to me how much of this wildness was due to poverty (no money to pay someone to cut the grass and tend the plantings) and how much due to a preference for more natural settings. Certainly Zarechny is poorer than Moscow but it is more traditional too and is not trying to be a Western city with Western priorities. Anyway, these yards are a good place for birds. On our first day we were birding locally in these connected backyards near Olya's building, me with my 10x binoculars and Dima with his BIG lensed camera. Three men step out of one of the buildings. I know right away something is up. They are all dressed in black suits. They are bulky, tall and strong. (I, at 5'2'', am average height in this town so I think tall people are reserved for special jobs). And they walk with purpose towards us. I don't want any miscommunication or questions so I firmly say 'Hello' to their Russian greeting 'Zdrastuitya'. They keep walking towards Dima. He talks to them. He shows them the pictures he has taken with his digital camera. They speak some more. The men, who I later find out are KGB, or more modernly called FSB agents, walk back to their office in the nearby building. Walking with Dima I learn that they told him he couldn't take pictures outside their office with a 400 mm lens. I was not a little upset by all this but, as Dima pointed out, the good thing is we now know exactly where we could and could not take photographs. Off limits were the FSB building, the nuclear power plant and the dam. The rest was ours, in the translated words of the FSB officer 'It's a free country.'

To be continued......

Home at last

2005-09-14T07:58:00.000-04:00

Due to some red tape and paperwork problems, we had to extend our stay in Russia for one week. I am back now, I am home. I promise descriptions and photos of our trip but for now, after a good night's sleep in my own bed, a cup of coffee and toast at my own table, fixed in my own kitchen, and a perusal of my accumulated mail (including mailing from the three book clubs to which I belong), I feel as if I am in paradise. This is not to say my trip was bad, it was fascinating and filled with time spent with beloved family and friends, but home is home.

Ahhh!
The Joy of homeness!
The simple pleasures of sleeping in one's own bed
Of waking and making a pot of coffee
Measuring the ground coffee into the filter
Pouring the water into the machine
Clicking the switch and hearing the homey gurgle
The simple joy of knowing where everything is
Being able to read every word I see
The deep comfort of slipping into everyday routines
Of familiarity
I am home
And it is good
Very good

Russian adventure

2005-08-19T23:12:00.000-04:00

I am leaving for Russia tomorrow. I will be back Sept. 6th and will probably be sleeping off the jet lag until at least Sept 7th. I promise at least one blog entry dedicated to the trip.

Current Work

2005-08-15T07:51:00.000-04:00

I struggle to write
This is ...
I struggle to know
This is ...
Reaching, grasping, elusive disappearing
ideas of what this is
I struggle to own, to enclose, to believe, surround with my body and soul
what this is
To possess it completely, to make it part of me, inseparable, to grok it if you can accept this term
To understand
This me
This creator or receiver of thoughts
This crier, this lover, this hater, this dancer, this screamer, this whisperer, this silent observer
I struggle to justify the oxygen and carbon consumed
I struggle to find a place
For myself
In me

This is me

Guilty Pleasures

2005-08-06T19:11:00.000-04:00

There was a thread on my favorite forum, Childless Stepmoms where everyone posted the things they do that they know they shouldn't because they aren't healthy or waste time or something like that. I thought I would post mine here too.

Just of a few of my indulgences....

Watching my favorite TV shows: CSI and Star Trek
Reading electronic books, CSI and Star Trek if I need a fix and they aren't on or I want a new story not something I already saw.
POPCORN!! Eating it while I watch CSI or Star Trek or reading a book makes it even better.
Going to the movies (an excuse to eat popcorn and a real escape from reality for me, even if it isn't a movie I really want to see. Some times I just have to go.)
Watching anything on TV, just vegging out with the channel changer in my hand, watching about 4 awful shows/movies at a time, trying to keep all the stories straight and not missing anything important.
Going to the library and just browsing around, reading books and magazines, pretending I have all the time in the world
Chocolate (interspersed with the popcorn, something salty, then something sweet, repeat)
Sitting on my reclining chair in my pajamas, posting/reading CSM like I don't have a deadline in the world
Buying books. Going to Amazon or to a physical bookstore and selecting several books that catch my eye without worrying about the price.
Catalog browsing. One of my favorite games from childhood was going to a store (now I use a catalog or online store) and pretending I have infinite money. What would I buy? If it is a paper catalog, I circle every purchase with a thick red marker. Sometimes I 'buy' everything on the page. The only things I don't 'buy' are things I just don't like, things I wouldn't take if you gave them to me (except as presents from someone really special). I love doing this with Williams-Sonoma or Pottery Barn catalogs. Ahhh my dream kitchen.
Reading beautiful cookbooks

All these things seem to have one thing in common, spending with abandon, whether it is calories (or points since I am doing Weight Watchers), money or time. So I guess my ultimate fantasy is that I have unlimited time, unlimited money, and I can eat as much as I want without gaining excess weight. I imagine it is a pretty popular fantasy. Brings to mind the scene from Groundhog Day where Bill Murray sees the beauty in his 'condition': No accountability for his actions.

Morning again

2005-08-01T22:25:00.000-04:00

I awake
and the smell of what has happened is in the air
stale beer in bottles upright or fallen or broken
and vinegary hot peppers and onions from the local sub shop
that stays open late
and glass, a plate thrown against a wall
and the sound of alcohol induced sleep
loud with snores and labored exhales

I open the doors and windows to chase
the threats and vulgarity with bird song
to replace the rancid pain drenched air with
cool green freshness
Wearing shoes to protect my feet
I begin to sweep
to make right the wrongs from the night before
To start again again

Brief update

2005-07-30T20:06:00.000-04:00

About a month ago I wrote that I was slowly returning to blogging and Gary just commented, calling me on it. So I decided to write an entry, which is what I am doing... now.

I just finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
I really enjoyed it, more than book 5. The last ~200 pages just whizzed by and I had totally lost track of time. I don't think I moved for 3 hours. I'm not going to write a detailed review, it's not that kind of book for me but I really had fun reading it.

And just a smattering of other things I am up to.

Way behind at work and will be working this weekend to catch up a bit
Will be traveling to Russia at the end of August, visa paperwork done this week.
Latest hobby/obsession is bird-watching which I hope to be blogging about in the near future.
Got 3 new exercise/yoga DVDs that I hope will help the lower back pain that has flared up. Hope to get to at least one of them this weekend too.
Went to Cirque du Soleil Varekai last Sunday and LOVED it.

Bloglet service

2005-06-30T08:11:00.000-04:00

I updated the bloglet service. If anyone was having trouble with it before, it should work better now. I am slowly easing my way back into blogging.

Absences

2005-06-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

I haven't been blogging here regularly for months. I went through a crisis in my life and in my marriage. Things have settled down now in many ways but I still don't feel 'normal'. One thing the crisis did was to propel into some serious self examination. I have been exploring my past, my childhood and working with a therapist on many of my distorted ideas, low self worth, perfectionism, people pleasing and so on. It is too raw to share here in detail, maybe someday. Lately I have started to want to write but I don't have the time to do it well and I haven't eradicated my perfectionism yet. I want to come back to this. I love to write. I am accepting and believing this more as time passes. You haven't heard the last of me yet.

NY Rush

2005-05-30T07:05:00.000-04:00

I live in New York.
Or, near New York
Scribbling poems on
the back of an envelope from the DMV
before going to the dentist
to get my teeth drilled.
What does New York have
to do with it?
I am not sure.
The rush, the urgency of its nearness
pushes me on
running through each day
leaving piles of unread mail and regrets
behind me.

Alive

2005-01-28T08:47:00.000-05:00

How many breaths will it take for me to realize I am alive?

Gratitude

2005-01-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

I have been mostly posting to my gratitude journal, A Grateful Heart. I am struggling with my life challenges and those challenges I have created for myself. I am focusing on this and on gratitude. When I have the energy or inspiration to write more, I will. For now, this is all I can offer, in love.

Encounter with genius

2005-01-11T11:18:00.000-05:00

I just spoke with a genius, or listened to one, rather. He is a polyglot, knows about 7 languages, plays violin, is a mathematician, a pharmacologist, on and on. He wants to learn Russian because he will travel there and 'doesn't want to go to a country not speaking the language'. He is brilliant and interesting. Yet, walking away I have a knot in my stomach. Part of this is me. I take every opportunity to compare myself to people and come up short. And in this case it is especially easy to see my shortcomings, my failures, gray and moldy next to his shimmering accomplishments. He was describing the private tutor who taught him English in Chile and the wonderful technique she used. Well, at 10 I was struggling with my family's poverty and my father's violence. There were no foreign language tutors for me. I remember begging my mother for "The How and Why Book of the Human Body" from the magazine rack of the grocery store. It was about $2.29 and it took a few weeks of begging until I got it. But you know, these sound like excuses and bitterness. These kinds of thoughts don't help remove the knot. What I want more than anything else in my life is to feel ok being me. Ok knowing I am not the smartest person, or the most talented or the kindest or the most attractive person in the world. I so much want to accept myself as I am without excuses of my childhood to explain my shortcomings. I want to be able to speak with a genius and be able to appreciate the opportunity to learn from him/her without comparisons. I want to stand on solid ground with myself that will allow me to see the interaction as a gift not an insult.

Childhood

2005-01-05T19:44:00.000-05:00

In looking for more information related to "Reclaiming your life" I found this post on The Light of Reason:

the immense cruelty that is inflicted on children by adults who are supposedly devoted to caring for and nurturing them has enormous consequences. In most cases, the results of that cruelty remain unrecognized by the child when he grows up and becomes an adult, even as the damage continues to distort and cripple his life in countless ways. In addition to what most people would now consider obvious cruelty (vicious beatings, sexual molestation and the like), much of the torture that children must endure comes in forms that far too many people continue to find perfectly acceptable.

Read the rest.

Choosing hopelessness

2005-01-02T13:03:00.000-05:00

From Reclaiming your life by Jean Jenson

We can see, then, that the adult who tends to overreact to situations was a child who repressed the reality that would have led to recognition that any effort to get his or her needs met was useless; and, since such understanding would have been followed by a feeling of hopelessness, he or she also used denial to create a false sense of hope. This hope flew in the face of the reality with which the child could not cope and in fact was designed to substitute for it. False hope formed the basis for the child's unconscious efforts to change the parent(s) to get what he or she needed, and is one way the "false self" expresses itself.
When a child's unconscious continually engages in this maneuver, the unreal hope becomes a permanent part of the child's defensive structure. What was begun in childhood -- the unconscious hopeless project to be whatever was deemed necessary in order to change the parent(s) -- continues automatically into adulthood. The child's effort becomes the adult's struggle; and he or she unconsciously chooses people and situations that will enable this struggle to continue.
... the child's need was for an unavailable, critical parent to become a nurturing supportive one. The unconscious is looking to meet the exact need of the child.

I read this passage today and felt like I understood my whole life and all the choices I have made along the way, my inexhaustable need to choose the hardest path, my interactions with others, everything. Even the poem I posted a few weeks ago makes more sense. Did I leave my first husband because it was too easy to make him love me? And now, I have this intense struggle with my stepson, a struggle again for acceptance and approval, which is completely turned around because he shouldn't be put in a position of such power over me. Just a short while ago I had been struggling for 7 years to try to get the approval and forgiveness of his mother (my husbands ex-wife). Now I no longer obsess over her and what she thinks. It seems I have new hopeless project to grapple with, an even more impossible one. Can knowing this, recognizing this help me?

New Year's Resolutions

2004-12-31T08:27:00.000-05:00

This is the time of year that people tend to take stock of their lives, decide upon changes, set goals, that sort of thing. I do this all the time. I am a lover of beginnings and fresh starts. I loved the first day of school, the beginning of the semester at college, opening a new book, empty tablets and notebooks, all that freshness and promise. So of course I go crazy for New Years. But over the 30 plus years I have been doing this I have realized that most of the resolutions are recyclable. I can use them over and over again each year. It takes a bit of the freshness off to write for the 20th time: I will lose weight. Been there, didn't do that, don't really wanna be there again. Same with I will get organized. I will get my finances in order. So I decided to try some new, unused fresh resolutions this year. How do these sound?

1. I will not lose weight. I will not work towards a size 8 or 6 or 4. I will remain a size 12. I will buy size 12 clothes and I will enjoy being a size 12.

2. I am organized enough. I will continue my very functional organizational plan and I will marvel in its simplicity and effectiveness.

3. I will not work harder. I already work hard enough. I will work when I feel like working and play when I feel like playing. I will move around, dance or exercise when my body desires.

4. I will go to the gym because it feels good, not because I need to. When there, I will do what strikes my fancy. Some days it may only be the sauna, or just stretching on the mat. No more gym pressure!!!!

5. One recycled resolution from last year. I will be positive in my thoughts. This one is very important and very challenging. It is not surprising that it is taking several years to get it accomplished.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Limitedness

2004-12-30T18:21:00.000-05:00

Something to contemplate as this year ends and anther begins:

"We get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless."

--Paul Bowles

via my sister and The Writer's Almanac

A question

2004-12-14T17:45:00.000-05:00

Why?

She wondered why they hurt her
Why they screamed how much they cared
While they pinched her
And with their cruel eyes stared

Oh yes, we love you
Sometimes they’d sing
Then they’d slap her
Till her whole body felt the sting

Smiling they’d offer a present
Beautifully wrapped and with ribbons tied
They’d say it was a plea
For the forgiveness of all the times they’d lied

Foolishly she’d accept it
Believing that they knew love’s name
Opening it, she would feel her heart soar
Repeatedly playing their awful game

Of course, the box would contain
A dead pet or hairy spiders or choking smoke
Every time she opened one, she felt the pain
And lost another ray of hope.

I wrote this poem when I was a teenager. Lately I have been revisiting my past in an effort to heal. This poem has always been very meaningful for me. To me it describes ultimate betrayal and cruelty. I can't say that I completely understand what my younger self was thinking about when she wrote it. It probably just came bubbling up from my unconscious, but I am trying to understand what it means to me now.

Being today

2004-12-12T13:15:00.000-05:00

I am terribly sad
As I move moment to moment
My heart aches
I feel it any time
I stop doing
And yet
The sun continues to travel the sky
My body continues to ingest and then digest food
My lungs breathe
The squirrel takes the peanuts I place on the deck railing
And my eyes smile at the sight
All seem to be oblivious of my heart pain
Today I sit with this
Because this is today

Compassion or Co-dependence?

2004-12-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

From Boundaries and Relationships. Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles L. Whitfield M.D.

Compassion is a feeling that is also a evolved and useful state of consciousness, probably second only to feeling Unconditional Love. But it can sometimes be difficult to differentiate true compassion from the simple and trapping passion of active co-dependence, where there are usually unhealthy boundaries.

Have you ever been moved by someone's story? We feel a similar empathy and passion in both compassion and active co-dependence. But in true compassion we feel warm and caring and yet do not feel compelled to jump in and rescue, fix or try to heal them. We are still there for people if they reach out to us in any way; but we are secure enough in ourself not to try to use fixing them to fill our own emptiness.

What does it mean to know?

2004-12-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

I have started with a new therapist and we have been focusing on the difficulties within my blended family. At some point Tuesday night, after I was complaining that I didn't feel appreciated my therapist said: You knew he had a son when you married him.
I felt bad when my therapist said it to me. This statement feels very discounting and shaming to me. I spent a few hours trying to understand why. What is the assumption behind the statement? That I should have expected all these problems? That I could have been prepared? This was how I defended myself to my therapist. (Notice I said defended, I felt attacked). I tried to argue that there was no way in hell I could have been prepared for this, never having had kids, not expecting my stepson to live with us since he was in Russia and kids rarely leave their moms in Russia. Add on top of that that I didn't expect my stepson to be such a difficult child. But let's be totally honest here. I knew my husband had a kid when we got involved. Did I give it much thought? No. I was head over heels in love and I only thought about how my heart ached at the thought of not being with him. End of story. Was this smart? No. Does criticizing this now help? No. This leads me to some examples I thought of while driving in the car to work yesterday. When someone complains about how bad their husband is, why don't we say: Didn't you know you husband when you married him? It wasn't an arranged marriage, was it? When someone complains about how difficult their teenager is, why don't we say: Hmmmm. You knew he would grow up into a teenager when you decided to have him didn't you? You weren't ignorant of biology, were you? You understood that sex can lead to teenagers didn't you? When someone complains about their boss why don't we say: You had an interview before you took the job, didn't you? You met him, right, you investigated the company? I could go on and on here but I think you get it. We don't say these things to people when they tell us their problems with their boss or kids or husbands BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HELP --- BECAUSE IT JUST DISCOUNTS THEM AND MAKES THEM FEEL STUPID. IT BASICALLY SAYS "YOU MADE YOUR BED NOW YOU SLEEP IN IT." IF THIS KIND OF ADVICE SEEMS HELPFUL TO ANYONE PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND.

Happy Thanksgiving

2004-11-25T06:02:00.000-05:00

I am spending Thanksgiving at my sister's house. Yesterday I met my new nephew, what a cutie! My husband and stepson have gone to scuba dive in the Florida Keys.

Generally, thanksgiving is a time of giving thanks.

I am thankful for my self, for working towards healing and wholeness.
I am thankful for my family especially my sister and her family for treating me to this wonderful Thanksgiving visit.
I am thankful for my husband and stepson for loving me and being patient with me.
I am thankful for C. for supporting me through this time and opening her house to me and welcoming me.
I am thankful for my dear friends at CSM forum, for sharing with me and supporting me.
I am thankful for the blogosphere and especially wonderful caring people who have formed a relationship with me.
I am thankful to B. for our recent deep philosophical discussions.
I am thankful for the abundance and comfort that I have.
I am thankful for the sangha I have found and the wonderful people there that I can share with and practice with.
I am thankful for my open eyes and open mind.
I am thankful to the human race for the heritage and art that I have access to, for all the people willing to share some part of their soul with the rest of us.
I am thankful, simply thankful.

Cries of a child

2004-11-18T21:22:00.000-05:00

Why do I still feel like a child? I am 40 years old. And I don't mean a child in a fun-loving creative way. I don't mean jumping for joy and dancing in the sunlight. I mean sitting in a meeting full of faculty colleagues (but not actually colleagues because they are tenured or tenure-track and I am not) and feeling powerless, small and weak. I mean thinking about my life and how I left home to get a break from a stressful family situation and it seems so petty and childish. I mean thinking about being alone and feeling scared and wanting to call out to someone. But there is no one to call out to. I am an adult. I can't be comforted by a soft teddy bear or my thumb in my mouth any more. I am 40 years old and I am all alone.

Writing

2004-11-16T10:13:00.000-05:00

As a very happy subscriber to the Writer's Almanac (subscribe) I have been wanting to feature it in a blog entry. I have been waiting for just the right issue, just the right time. Well being so philosophical lately has led me to spontaneity, there is no 'right time' so I am doing it today. The Writer's Almanac is a daily email newsletter Minnesota public radio. It is written and read by Garrison Keillor (it comes with a link to the audio if you prefer listening to reading). Each newsletter features a poem and then some pertinent biographical or historical literary information related to the date. Today's issue has a wonderful poem by William Stafford, An Introduction to Some Poems, the first stanza of which was very meaningful to me:

Look: no one ever promised for sure
that we would sing. We have decided
to moan. In a strange dance that
we don't understand till we do it, we
have to carry on.

To give you an extra taste of what flavors and textures were offered for today:

It's the birthday of the novelist Andrea Barrett, (books by this author) born in Boston, Massachusetts (1954). She is known for writing about botanists, oceanographers and geologists in novels such as The Forms of Water (1993) and The Voyage of the Narwhal (1998).

She grew up on Cape Cod, and spent most of her time near the ocean, fascinated by sea life. She decided to study biology in college and went on to study zoology in graduate school.

At some point, she decided she was more interested in history than biology, and started studying medieval religion. It was while she was writing papers about the Spanish Inquisition that she realized she should be a writer. She said, "I'd go to the library and pull out everything, fill my room and become obsessed with the shape and the texture of the paper, and the way the words look, trying to make it all dramatic. At some point I realized: 'Hey, this isn't history, and I'm not a scholar.'"

She worked as a secretary in medical labs, trying to write. After years of struggling to finish her first novel, she showed it to a writer at the Bread Loaf Writer's Conference, and he told her to throw it away. She was so upset that she cried for a day, but then she took his advice and wrote her novel Lucid Stars which was published in 1988. Her collection of short stories Ship Fever (1996) became a best-seller after winning the National Book Award.

Because so many of Barrett's books deal with scientists, she constantly has to do research before she writes. She said, "I love research...I describe a [sailor] character who has to go belowdecks, and I think, 'So what is belowdecks?...Then I have to get books about ship building, ship history, immigration history, so I can write a little more...I love learning that way—lurching from subject area to subject area. When you're lit by your own purposes, it's astonishing how easily you can leap into a new field and get to that center of passion."

In order to finish her book The Voyage of the Narwhal, about a group of British scientists exploring the Arctic, Barrett traveled to Antarctica herself.

Her most recent book is Servants of the Map (2002).

Andrea Barrett said, "I think science and writing are utterly the same thing. They are completely rooted in passion and desire, if they're any good at all. You can fall in love with the natural world in the same way you fall in love with a person. There's that same sense of helplessness, of lacking control over how much of your life you want to devote to it."

She also said, "It's hard to explain how much one can love writing. If people knew how happy it can make you, we would all be writing all the time. It's the greatest secret of the world."

After reading this I thought, "Wow! I want to do that!" I have read Ship Fever and really enjoyed it. To anyone who isn't already a subscriber, I highly recommend it. It has given me a lot of joy over the months I have been reading it.

Support Minnesota Public Radio and NPR through your local public radio station if you can. They do good work!

Lower expectations

2004-11-15T18:58:00.000-05:00

I have been working on healing myself. Focusing on healing myself. And all the while I have been piling on expectations. Planning what books to read, what exercises to do, what lists of things to write and then do. All in the guise of self healing. Guess what, I don't feel very healed after 1 month of this. Here is an excerpt of something I wrote on the Childless Stepmoms forum.

I was thinking this morning about what I have done, learned and experienced in these weeks free from the day to day demands. I imagined that without the usual household chores, I would have an enormous amount of free time. I would luxuriate in baths each night, go to the gym, write long entries in my blog, crochet an afghan for my sister, read lots of books, mediate each day. Guess how many of those things I have done? Not too many. I am spending more time at work. My drive is much longer to and from work. I am spending time with my friend but I am not living the life I expected. I also expected to lose weight. Maybe I have a little but it has not dropped off as I expected. I did not transform from an overweight unkempt woman to a svelte sex goddess. I have been to the gym exactly 3 times. I have gone for 1 walk (although I now park in a lot farther from work so I end up walking 20 mins a day to and from the car). I have not started training for a triathlon as I expected. I have not started getting up at 5 AM. I am not zipping around with unbounded energy. Now it seems to me that my impossible expectations of life and myself are my main problems.

Mulling this over for a while and something remarkable came to me. Why not just lower my expectations? Why not write to do lists containing 5 items rather than 25 or 50? Why not schedule the 8 hours of sleep that I need instead of condemning my wimpy biology? Why not plan for the goofing off (or socializing depending on your point of view)? Why not write the couple of candy bars a week into the diet and learn to live with it for now? I am tired of feeling like a failure. According to my view of the universe I have been failing for 40 years. I just can't stand to fail anymore and the only way I can see to start succeeding is to lower my standards, ridiculously. Make goals that are laughable (to my overachiever brain). That's my new plan. So what's slated for tonight. Not much. Therapy from 8-9 and then home to relax, maybe a bubble bath, but if not, then not. Anything is ok. It may be hard to believe someone can feel guilty about not getting a bubble bath but if it's on the list and I haven't checked it off... Drive home, go to bed sometime, preferably wearing pajamas and having brushed my teeth (flossing optional, I am being gentle and relaxed). That is one evening's goals I expect to achieve. :)

Moving along

2004-11-08T17:40:00.000-05:00

I am moving forward in this path
if slowly
then slowly
so be it

On Sunday, at Zen
I kept time on the makugyo
for the first time

Somehow thinking about drumming
Made chanting easier
Until I made a mistake
Because then I made two

I also swept leaves from the path
The gentle early morning sun
And the rustle of leaves
Were just what I needed

Healing music

2004-10-30T13:14:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while because my personal life is complicated right now. I am staying with a friend, trying to sort through my feelings, trying to look at myself and my situation and my family from a different perspective. Humans (or me at least) are a mosiac of past and present, of hopes, expectations, disappointments and memories. I was thinking about how I am a generally competent person but I can't seem to get anything right or have any success when it comes to myself. Part of the problem is that I don't know what I want, what I should work toward. All the usual goals of the perfect job, a certain amount of money, fame, getting a book published, a beautiful house, a child, a loving family.... I am unsure about. Such desires seem to come from outside myself, societies expectations, or maybe unattainable, or maybe undeserved? One thought came to me when I was walking, a goal that I may be able to work toward, if I can get past how selfish it sounds, to heal myself. Just that. And if I accomplish it, maybe the description of perfect job will be within view. Maybe a loving family will seem possible. Maybe a book will make some sense.

As I thought this I was listening to my latest ipod playlist, Heroes and Ordinary Mortals. Lyrics from the songs alternatively made me cry or my heart swell. Each song had an additional meaning compared to the last time I listened. I thought I would write the most emotional words here, rather like a quilt poem.

Here on earth I'll have my cake
Gonna eat it too, make no mistake
'Cause if it's a question of to be or not to be
I'll put on my boots and go see what I can see
Here on Earth - Crash Test Dummies

Once I get you up there, I’ll be holding you so near
You may here, angels cheer - because were together
Come Fly with Me - James Darren

See that boy with that guitar
He's got skinny legs like I always wanted
A girlfreind in his car 'cause he's got
Skinny legs like I always wanted
Sister look at me again
You'd love me if I were as skinny as him
Skinny Legs - Lyle Lovett

I will try not to burden you. I can hold these inside.
I will hold my breath until all these shivers subside,
just look in my eyes.
I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
Leave it to memory me. I shudder to breathe.
Try Not to Breathe - R.E.M.

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Try - Nelly Furtado

Folks said his family were all dead
Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself
To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going

Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him
Superman's Song - Crash Test Dummies

The fat girl
She always stayed inside and played piano
And she told her mother
The children made her cry
And her mother told her
They don't mean it

Now the fat girl
She ain't fat no more
And lord how she plays piano
And she sings loud
And she sings low
And she sings of love
And blind passion
But she don't mean it
The Fat Girl - Lyle Lovett

Ophelia's mind went wandering
You'd wonder where she'd gone
Through secret doors down corridors
She wanders them alone
All alone
Ophelia - Natalie Merchant

I'm just a walkin' my dog
Singin' my song
Strollin' along
Yeah it's just me and my dog
Catchin' some sun
We can't go wrong
The Dog Song - Nellie McKay

I know a man he lost his head
He said: The way I feel I'd be better off dead.
He said: I got everything I ever wanted
Now I can't give it upIt's a trap, just my luck!
The gift of life it's a leap of faith
It's a roll of the die
It's a free lunch A free ride
The gift of life it's a shot in the dark
It's the call of the wild
It's the big wheel The big ride
But Nature's got rules and Nature's got laws
And if you cross her look out!
It's the monkey's paw
Monkey's Paw - Laurie Anderson

Make me laugh
Say you know you can turn
Me into the real thing
So I show you some more
And I learn
Jackie's Strength - Tori Amos

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time
Thank U - Alanis Morissette

I returned a paler blue bird
and this is the advice they gave me"you must not try to be too pure
you must fly closer to the sea"
so I'm walking through the desert
and I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
and I do not want what I haven't got
I do not want what I haven't got - Sinead O'Connor

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
Anthem - Leonard Cohen

Blogger bar

2004-10-11T23:05:00.000-04:00

Has anyone tried the next blog button on the blogger bar? I read in some blogger news item that it was a good way to find new blogs, like flipping through channels on the tv. Well I wasn't very impressed. I saw lot's of nearly empty blogs, a number of blogs in languages I couldn't read. Some blogs that just weren't interesting to me. So I was ready to give up, thinking I would never find something that resonated. Then I found this wonderful site, Restless Thoughts. I like it a lot. Most especially, I love this poem posted there:

Number poetry
Two nine

Four eight one
one six six four one
one three six three six one six one
one nine three six nine three six one three six one

one zero
nine
one two
seven
nine
one

four eight
one two
three

two nine
one one
two

I wish the author would allow comments.

Debatable

2004-10-06T08:17:00.000-04:00

I watched the debate last night. I hadn't watched the presidential debate last week so I wanted to see this one. We are not tv watchers, we have to disconnect our cable modem and plug the tv in when we want to watch. We don't do it very often. But, I wanted to watch the debate. It seemed... the correct thing to do, to be more involved in the political process. I have to say that what I kept hearing over and over again from both Cheney and Edwards worried me. Over and over Edwards said 'find terrorists and kill them'. Cheney said the same thing in different words. What about trials? What about evidence, what about imprisonment? I have always opposed the death penalty. To me, killing is not the answer. I saw a great bumper sticker in a catalog. "Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?" What worried me even more is that I knew that to get elected this was the right thing for him to say. The American people (I hate this term, it doesn't include me, I don't know who it includes maybe not you either) are out for blood, it seems we are a scared, even terrified nation and without talk of death and destruction of our so-called enemies, one cannot be trusted and cannot be elected. I am very sad about this.

Garrison's democracy

2004-10-05T19:25:00.000-04:00

From Homegrown Democrat: A Few Plain Thoughts From the Heart of America by Garrison Keillor

I am a Democrat, which was nothing I decided for myself but simply the way I was brought up, starting with the idea of Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, which is the basis of the simple social compact by which we live and also You are not so different from other people so don't give yourself airs, which was drummed into us children back in the old days when everyone went to public schools. Don't be conceited. So you can write: goody-goody for you, but don't think you're a genius because, believe me, you're not. The democracy of the gospel. All have sinned and come short of the glory of God. All we like sheep have gone astray. These articles of faith, plus our common tongue and a fondness for jokes and the American landscape, bind us together in a union of souls, each one free, each one devoted to the union.

. . . I grew up among Bible-believing people in Minnesota, a cold weather state when the jet stream slips and the wind blows steadily from Manitoba; it gets so cold your skin hurts, your innards clench up, and a man's testes shrink to the size of garden peas, but --- Everyone is just as cold as you are so don't complain about it, this is not a personal experience, that's what we say, and you comfort yourself with fried eggs and bacon and you bulk up a good deal by spring, but then everyone else is fat too, so it's not a problem.

Here we have the democracy of flatness: there simply aren't so many hills for the rich people to live on top of. We suffer less from the self-esteem issues that make people call on their cell phones and announce their whereabouts.

I read this and it felt so true, so real, so much in harmony with the way I think. What is really amazing, is that when I go home, most of my family is Republican. So, I don't know where my ideas came from, maybe I watched too much TV. Maybe it comes from hours of Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, and Star Trek?

I haven't finished reading this book but it is delightful. I would love to quote more here but really you just have to read it for yourself, if I have enticed you with what is quoted above. And in pure democratic fashion, I took the book from the library. Don't worry, I'll return it soon and give you a chance to read it too.

Misc ramblings

2004-10-05T07:16:00.000-04:00

I wanted to post all weekend. I wrote a great post in my head on Saturday afternoon in the gym. It was about how my inner world must be reflected in the outer world and my inner world is pretty harsh and maybe if I start to change my inner world, gentle it, soften it, the world around me won't seem so grim. Also on Saturday, I received my beautiful earrings from Mahala. How well-made they are, how they dangle gently from my ears, how it warms my heart to have something made by her hands. Yes, that would have been a good post. Sunday zen was great as usual. I had lots of ideas for Sunday. We talked about Beowulf, Our Town, the traumas in Haiti. Lot's of good material there. Sunday we also went to a pumpkin festival. I took some pictures, saw some interesting things. Could have been a wonderful blog entry. Last night I had dinner with a fascinating man who is editing the eleventh edition of the premiere book in pharmacology. He talked about his experience as an editor. He is really taking his job seriously. Often times academics have disdain for such work. It can be so dry, compiling all the old data of someone else, looking for details, trying to explain things that aren't within their expertise. It's not exciting, new and fresh. But he has a positive outlook about it, it was nice to speak with him. I could have written all this and you would have had something interesting (I hope) to read. But I didn't. Why? I am in the middle of a fight with my family. Not the screaming, plate-smashing kind of fight, but a quiet, I am not speaking unless necessary kind of fight. A I-will-not-smile-rather-keep-my-face-neutral-at-all-times kind of fight. Why? It seems silly to write. I am waiting for an apology and a promise that a certain digression will not happen again. He doesn't think there was a digression. So I feel like I am in limbo, waiting for my life to start up again, too distracted to write a real blog entry.

Unfinished business

2004-10-01T18:20:00.000-04:00

I didn't finish the proposal. Today was the due date and I just couldn't do it. The next time to submit it will be Feb 1. So I guess I will keep working on it for the next four months and submit it then. I feel relieved but also very disappointed in myself. It is just another time that I have procrastinated about this. What if the same thing happens in January? This kind of thing is happening to me too often. Too many times I skip meditating or going to the zendo. Too many times, I avoid the gym, or work out only half-heartedly while there. Too many times I start to change my eating habits only to fall back into the same unhealthy patterns. In some ways, my life feels like it is coming together. Things at home are better, with my stepson and husband. I am not crying with frustration and desperation a couple times a week. That is good. But I am still far from where I want to be. I still have to do lists with hundreds of entries. I am still not satisified with myself.

Silliness

2004-09-28T20:38:00.000-04:00

Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan!

You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz

Exactly....

2004-09-28T11:11:00.000-04:00

PRAGMATIK: "But there is certainly something wrong with closed-mindedly rejecting something and single-mindedly doing the opposite and then calling that freedom. One is then still under the control of what one is rejecting. That seems simple and obvious enough."

Great post. To read more...

Hero

2004-09-27T22:09:00.000-04:00

Saw the film Hero recently. I found it very beautiful but I was a bit troubled by it, without really allowing myself to pursue it since I have been so busy with work.

I was distracting myself tonight reading some blogs and found a link to this review: Fascinating Fascism: Hero at the vernacular body.

I think this is what was bothering me just put into words. Many, pleasing to read words.

Gratitude, guilt and more questions

2004-09-26T09:56:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone! I am feeling more myself, or the self I like better. I am embarrassed by my previous post. I sounded like a spoiled child. I would have deleted it by now but for the gentle, heartfelt comments that are attached. It makes me consider how I censor myself, how I categorize parts of me into bad and good, things to keep, things to remove, and things to improve. If I had not written that post in my moment of frustration and complete dissatisfaction with myself and my life, I wouldn't have received those wonderful comments. I would have missed hearing those voices and I am grateful I did not. But immediately I feel guilt. Why is that? I feel that I don't deserve those comments, I don't deserve that concern or consideration. What have I done for Siona or Dale or Mahala that they should offer me such a gift, that they should--can I say it?--love me? It brings a strange juxtaposition of emotions in me and I am quite sure I won't end this message with a pithy statement that shows I integrated this message into my life. Quite sure of that one.

So where does this leave me? I am still a bit sick but also a bit better. I still have the huge, horrendous, nearly impossible to finish proposal, but it is several pages closer to completion, I still feel grouchy and speak to my family in short clipped sentences when they dare to come into my presence. But there is a little feeling, a little voice that is saying that it is ok, that some imperfection is acceptable, that there is some benefit, some use for this jumble of 'negative' emotions. These are the demons that I face. This is the mess that is the inner workings of my mind. Much to my chagrin, it is not peace and logic inside me. Warner is right. Will it ever be so?

How do we deal with these non-niceties? I try to pretend that I am something and I fight moment by moment to be that way. To demonstrate it, to live it ... but it's not true. What is the answer? Control? Suppression? Organization? Compartmentalization? People say things like 'deep down she is a good person.' What am I 'deep down?' It seems the deeper I go with my inner work and meditation the more slime, decay and putrefication I find. What if I find deep down I am not even recognizable? What if deep down there is nothing, an empty hole?

Oscar the grouch

2004-09-24T21:03:00.000-04:00

I wasn't gonna post today. I am too out of sorts, out of time. I didn't even write much to my friends on CSM. I try to be the supportive one, the helpful one and today I just don't feel up to it. And I have to confess, I started another blog. A secret blog where I can write all the mean stuff that I won't say and I won't write here and I won't even write to my sister. So there! I'm cheating. There is another me! But that still leaves something for me to write here. I thought about looking up an uplifting quote to put here. Honestly, I can't do it. I don't know that I would even know an uplifting quote if I read one. Just about everything is bothering me today. Should I list my complaints -- an ungratitude list? I am still sick, my throat still hurts, I still have too much work to do. I guess tomorrow or the next day or certainly by next week (when this @#*& proposal has been mailed) I will feel better. I know this but it doesn't help right now because I am in a mood that doesn't want help, I spit on help.

One view of zazen

2004-09-22T20:36:00.000-04:00

I've been sick for a few days with a bad head cold and have a big deadline at work, so rather than not post at all, I thought I would just post a paragraph from Hardcore Zen. I chose this one because of Dale's comment, my struggles with zazen on Sunday and because I thought it was humorous.

For everyone -- everyone -- who first takes it up, zazen is tedious and awful. Your brain is in constant motion like there's a hive of angry wasps in your head. There are moments when you're certain you're going to have to leap right off your cushion and run around the room singing the chorus of Hello Dolly! just to keep from going utterly bananas. Anybody who doesn't feel that way about it, at least sometimes, is not doing the practice very sincerely. Zazen isn't about blissing out or going into an alpha brainwave trance. It's about facing who and what you really are, in every single goddamn moment. And you aren't bliss, I'll tell you that right now. You're a mess. We all are.

--Brad Warner Hardcore Zen

Sunday Zen

2004-09-19T13:06:00.000-04:00

I went to the zendo today. I didn't go last week and I almost didn't go today. Why is it so hard? My mediations was mostly sitting and thinking about stuff. I had a few moments of actually doing the work but that was it. I definitely felt more focused during the nitensoji (short cleaning period during formal practice), sweeping the brick path, than I had during zazen. Maybe I need more activity and less sitting in front of this computer? I had a slight headache the whole morning and I began to contemplate the pain and how it kept me in my body and mind. Perhaps that's why we hold on to pain? To stay with the ego self? The discussion with our teacher was wonderful as usual. He was reading one of Roshi's teishos and in was a line about being one with everyone, and everyone being no other than myself. Therefore when I injure someone, I am injuring myself. For some reason, this made me cry. It wasn't a very strong cry, since I was with the group and supposed to be listening and participating in the discussion, but it was good because some of the debris of the last two weeks was washed away, some of the tightness was loosened, and some of the agitation was released. A small bit of peace could seep into me. And that felt very good indeed.

6 months

2004-09-18T14:15:00.000-04:00

This question came up for me today: What would you do if you only had 6 months to live?
Here is what I think this day, at this time.

If I only had 6 months to live. That is a tough one and I am not sure I can honestly answer it. I don't feel that I can really move into that space in my imagination. I suppose I would repair and/or strengthen relationships with my extended family and with my husband. Why am I thinking about that, I wonder. I guess I don't want to leave any loose ends I don't want people to feel too much regret when I go. Why aren't I thinking about myself, I wonder, what I want to do? Why wouldn't I want to do all the things I have planned now? Read more books, meditate, yoga, take classes, travel? I certainly wouldn't go on a diet. Why not do things I have never done? I don't know. I guess am jumping ahead, like 6 months is nothing, fast forwarding the the ultimate 'goal'. I suppose I do this all the time, like reading the last page of a book before even starting Chapter 1. I am amazed at my lack of an answer to this one. And I have thought about it before. One of my officemates has cancer, serious cancer. The Dr. told her the prognosis was not good. And yet she is still working, for two reasons, one, she doesn't believe the prognosis, and two she needs the health insurance. Would I do this? No, I am pretty sure about that. I would not go to work. I am reminded of a movie I saw on Lifetime with Farrah Fawcett, called The Substitute Wife. When a woman was told that she was dying she found a new wife/mother for her family. It was set during the pioneer days. Anyway, I guess I would try to make my passing easier on my loved ones. And I don't know if this is good or bad. Does this mean I don't have any idea what my Self even is, that I only see my Self as it exists as a part of other people's lives? This definately requires further contemplation.

So what!

2004-09-15T20:23:00.000-04:00

From Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao : A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior
by Stephen Russell

Letting Go
You sit there alone in a state of mild agitation, the primordial monster of encroaching insanity threatening to escape through the cracks in the plasterboard of the reality you constructed so neatly and to engulf you in its slimy, entropic discharge. Your plans seem to have gone awry and you're racked with doubts about the choices you made that got you into this position in the first place. Who did you think you were anyway, thinking you could take destiny into your own hands like that?

So you're disappointed. So what! Disappointment's only disappointment. It will be transmuted into its opposite by the immutable law of yin and yang anyway.

So, so what! May sound impolite or downright compassionless, but really, so what.

The thing about "so what" is that it's got an edge, a small portion of anger released every time you say it. That's its advantage over "never mind," which is also good and valid, but only when you truly don't mind. Most of the time, though, especially when the disappointment's just recently dropped, you do mind. So with that faint hint of churlish delinquency, stand up, release that irritation and boldly proclaim, "So what!"

Red bush tea

2004-09-13T21:44:00.000-04:00

I am drinking red bush tea tonight. I first tried it after reading Alexander McCall Smith's second "No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency novel, Tears of the Giraffe. The heroine of the series, the No. 1 Lady herself, Precious Ramotswe, drinks bush tea all the time and making and drinking the tea is such a pleasing ritual to read about. I wanted to try it myself, to see if by drinking it, I could drink in a little of the unprentiousness that Mma Ramotswe displays. In an interview with the author he says that her character was inspired by a woman he saw chasing chickens around her yard. Later in the interview he says "There is something of Botswana in the books. The whole ethos, the whole feel of the books, is to do with that particular country." The books are a joy to read and leave me feeling calm and peaceful inside, as if there is goodness in this world after all. The feeling doesn't last forever but as long as McCall Smith is writing (he says there will be 8 books in all), I'll be reading... and sipping tea.

Gratitude Journal

2004-09-13T01:01:00.000-04:00

After some thought about the benefits of keeping a gratitude journal and comments from Siona and Kat I decided to make a new blog just for that. I will try to post daily. I made it a separate blog so as not to clutter this one since many of the things I am grateful to will undoubtedly be interesting only to me and will be repetitive. So if you are so inclined, check out A Grateful Heart.

Peace

2004-09-12T23:10:00.000-04:00

From The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer

Be the peace you're seeking from others. If peace is missing in your relationships with your family, it means that you have a place within you that's occupied by non-peace. It may be filled with anxiety, fear, anger, depression, guilt, or any low-energy emotions. Rather than attempting to rid yourself of these feelings all at once, treat them the same as you do your relatives. Say a friendly Hello to the non-peace, and let it be. You're sending a peaceful feeling to the non-peace feeling.

I have also been trying something similar with my negative self-talk statements. I just acknowledge the statement neutrally (Thank you for sharing). It feels better to do this than to be upset with myself for thinking negatively. And it deflates or disempowers the statement. I don't understand why this works but surprisingly it does.

Why did I chose to write about peace tonight? I guess because I had so much conflict with my stepson this evening and I feel that I didn't handle it peacefully. I lost my temper and was dragged into an argument about nothing. This is a recurring event and I don't know how to prevent it. In this case, I didn't initiate it. It seemed to me that he sought me out to fight with.

Tough day to live in NY

2004-09-11T11:54:00.000-04:00

I feel sad today. Why? It started when I woke up. Why? Is it because of the day? Because so many people around here are sad today?

Ok, so I am sad. I guess I can be sad. I can just let it be. I don't have to change it or push it away. Sadness is not something to fear, something to resist, something to cure. I will just let it fill me. I will feel it. I am sad because there is suffering, there is unhappiness, there is striving that leads to nowhere, there is effort that falls down in vain.

Crying in Starbucks
I imagine someone asking me
"Why are you so sad. Did you lose someone in 9/11?"
No, I didn't lose anyone
And yes, I lost everyone
Everyone who died, I lost
Not even knowing I had them

My mother's portrait

2004-09-11T11:02:00.000-04:00

Today I feel like
how I remember my mother
Sitting drinking
cup after cup of coffee
black
Smoking, elbow on the table
smoke drifting up
reluctant to depart
Her eyes
focused on a point infinitely far
Some place in the past
or the future
or, perhaps
nowhere at all
All alone

Gratitude leads to happiness

2004-09-10T20:06:00.000-04:00

People who wrote a list of things they were grateful for were happier overall than people who wrote lists of upsetting or neutral events.

I came across this idea in the Oct. issue of shape last night while biking to nowhere at the gym. Being a total science geek with University library access, I looked up the original article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Basically they asked people to journal either weekly or daily about A-things they were grateful for B-things that annoyed them or C-just things that happened. The participants also rated how they felt about themselves, the world and the future. The groups that wrote gratitude journals had a more positive outlook, exercised more, and rated themselves more energetic, joyful, and enthusiastic than the other groups did.

I would like to try to put this idea to my own test but I haven't quite decided how to do it. Should I write my gratitude list here? Will that be too boring for people? Maybe I should just write it in a paper journal? I'll think about it and let you know.

I guess it is just human nature or our modern training that encourages us to focus on the negative rather than the positive, on complaining rather than being grateful. How many times did people hold a door for me today? How many times did they smile? 4 or 5 at the least. And yet, if one person had been rude, I would have thought about it, I would have told all my friends, I may even have written about here or someplace else. But about the many positive experiences I had with members of the human race - nada. But if you don't stop to appreciate the good things people do, you forget, they pass right through you and don't affect you, they don't change you, they don't impress themselves in you. You don't make them yours, add them to your heart, and tenderize it. Rather, we tend to take the hurtful things and cast them in bronze to wear around our necks. To harden our heart, to encase it in brittle bitterness. How many people were loving to me today? I can't even begin to count. My husband patted my head when we were stopped at a stoplight on the way home from work, a loving, joyful caress of love. Many people smiled at me at work starting with Max, our custodian who takes such pride in his work that I feel I should thank him everyday. I had a wonderful lunch with my dear friend C. She told me so many uplifting stories about her cousins. I thought about how wonderful it is that I have had to chance to know her, how much she has enriched my life. I could write for much longer and still would not describe all the gifts that today, a completely ordinary day, brought me. But without these few minutes of thought, without writing some words, I would have missed it all. It would have evaporated into nothingness while the other events, mundane or negative remained, like the a dirty bathtub ring after a perfectly pleasant and soothing bath. I wonder if it is because these events and feelings are higher and lighter that they tend to float away if we don't make an effort to grab them and really experience them and acknowledge them.

2004-09-09T19:02:00.000-04:00

A few days after my 40th birthday, I got an invitation to try More magazine, the magazine for women over 40. Well, that didn't take long. I was pretty upset about it actually. I wasn't ready to think of myself as an over 40 woman. I was ready to throw the envelope into the trash, uninspected but I couldn't. Curiosity caught me. What does a magazine for women over 40 look like, what kind of articles do they have? Maybe the will be more intelligent than the drivel in Cosmo or Glamour? I looked through it, like the overly curious girl that I am and they had 2 pictures of Jamie Lee Curtis (full article). One with her looking fabulous, like she always does, and one with her in underwear, no makeup, and flat hair. I looked at her and thought, wow she looks like me. I don't mean she looks like me really but she looks about as good as I look, give or take. She has some flab, she has some cellulite. She looks like a normal person. And she's smiling. I would hardly be able to keep from grimacing in her position. What a cool woman! I wanna buy that magazine. And I did. I know it's not good to read women's magazines, but I figured one that actually made me feel good about my body, might be ok.

I received the Sept. issue. I like the fall fashions. They look like I could wear them. There is an ok article about Stepmothers, nothing I didn't already know. And there is an article called Meditate or Medicate? Can the spritual approach really help those suffering from depression? Although it advocates meditation, the article cautions that a combination of medicine and meditation may be required. My personal experience is that when I meditate more regularly, I feel better emotionally. Another reason to stop avoiding the cushion.

Sometimes I hear my voice

2004-09-09T07:41:00.000-04:00

I found this Natalie Goldberg quote on Whiskey River.

I write because I kept my mouth shut all my life. I write because I am alone and move through the world alone. No one will know what has passed through me, and even more amazing, I don't know.

- Natalie Goldberg
Writing Down The Bones

I copy it here because it is so true for me. I have always been afraid to speak, afraid of the sound of my own voice. In class, I was terrified to be called on, even though I knew the answer. I would sound stupid. To ask a question (as I knew a good student should (this is in college!) I would screw up my courage for minutes, rehearsing in my head, a nervous wreck the whole time and then still chicken out. When I first started to learn about chakras I had the feeling that my throat chakra was blocked (and still is). Lately, after a lot of personal work, I feel more comfortable speaking. There is still more work to do for me to become casual about speaking to more than one person. I still challenge myself. I am volunteering to teach (med students no less eek!) and as I have said before, I want to take acting lessons. It has always been easier for me to write than to speak. But still, showing what I write to the world, that hasn't been easy either. I think each one helps the other. The more I write here and find some kind of acceptance, the easier it is to speak up during meetings at work. The better conversations with strangers at parties turn out, the more my writing flows from my true heart. As Tori Amos sings:

"sometimes I hear my voice and it's been HERE silent all these years"

Dusk

2004-09-08T22:38:00.000-04:00

This is a poem I wrote more than 20 years ago. I think it relates to the feelings of uncertainty and loneliness that I described in yesterday's post.

I.

Far away a dim light glows
Then the light rays bend
Now, more quickly, the small light goes
Never to be seen again

II.

Why is it that when it's dusk
The world is so hard to see?
It seems that when the vision matters most
The light looks so dim to me

III.

At an earlier age the time was bright
And the roses looked very different from the thorns
But now all the world is night
The dark air is damp from rain
And I often wonder if I am touching a flower
Or, are my fingers too numb to feel the pain?

Searching for truth

2004-09-07T01:39:00.000-04:00

From Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies & the Truth About Reality

But if you really thoroughly question everything, if you pursue your questions long enough and honestly enough, there will come a time when truth will wallop you upside the head and you will know.

Not knowing is what brought me to the spiritual path. As a child in church, I tried very hard to believe, like a good girl should (as I thought she should). I tried and tried and I never felt the knowing, the security, that I had read about others feeling. I was unsure, alone and scared. So then I turned to science. I thought if I could learn everything in the books, if I could become a real scientist, I would know things. But as all scientists learn, what you really find in science are more questions. And what you know, you don't really know because you have to be ready to change your hypothesis to fit any new data that may come along. You can't afford to be sure about anything. We talk to each other using terms like suggest and implicate not know and not certainty. We learn to couch our statements in may and might, to sprinkle words of caution between the statements of fact. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I am not ready for knowing. The idea of knowing reminds me of my childhood fantasy of some man on a white horse saving me. At first, it was my father, his strong arms comforting me during scary movies and roller coaster rides. Later I hoped for a prince. But those ideas were fantasy. In reality, my father didn't save me, he got drunk and terrorized us. I learned to hope for a savior but at the same time, to save myself, always wishing I could relax, let go and be caught in someone's arms, and at the same time, sadly aware that there were no arms to catch me. I was on my own. I guess that's not too bad but it never seemed enough. Not secure enough, not safe enough. With me alone, there was no absolute, no independent measure. Am I kidding myself, deceiveing myself? How could I know? It was this nagging question that prodded me on this path and it is still pushing. And I am still walking, seeking, searching, and crawling. I hope Warner is right. I hope someday I will know, just simply know. Right now, I can't imagine anything better than that.

What color is your world?

2004-09-04T08:58:00.000-04:00

Found this quiz at angel's place. Curiously, she was the same color.

you are turquoise
#40E0D0

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.

Your saturation level is higher than average - You know what you want, but sometimes know not to tell everyone. You value accomplishments and know you can get the job done, so don't be afraid to run out and make things happen.

Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Some thoughts for Siona

2004-09-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Siona:

You touched my heart with your comment. Although I haven't taken much time lately to blog, I am pretty active in a web forum I believe strongly in, the Childless Stepmom Forum. I am recycling something I wrote there since it gives a view of my mental ruminations of late. I am posting this for you Siona. I am very glad I met you.

Today on the Childless Stepmom Forum the founder posted a meditation that made me consider, for at least the thousandth time, how I can balance the two, seemingly opposed ideologies, which make me feel like I live on a seesaw. One set of philosophies I read and believe in emphasizes dissolving the ego, giving yourself, becoming self-less. I read these and about the lives of people who have done this, Mother Teresa, Gandhi. Who can criticize this? Then I read about another set of philosophies about taking care of yourself, 'good selfishness', etc. I feel in my heart that somewhere these two ideas must meet. I mean, it is kind of selfish to sit all day and meditate, isn't it? That person could be cleaning up trash, taking care of an orphan, campaigning for her choice in the presidential election, protesting poverty. But honestly, I still haven't 'got it'. I haven't come either to a place of balance and harmony with these two seemingly opposing ideas or grasped how they are one and the same. I feel in my heart that something is there for me to grasp, that there is some understanding that is just out of reach but no matter how hard I squint my brain, I don't 'see' it. This feeling is unpleasant and busyness is a great distractor. When I get this feeling, I just let my mind drift to all my unfinished work and poof, the uneasiness disappears.

Busy... too busy

2004-09-02T01:13:00.000-04:00

Lot's to do at work and at home so my blogging is on hiatus. Sorry. I may not be back until middle of October :(

Happy Birthday Gene

2004-08-19T07:59:00.000-04:00

Today is Gene Roddenberry's birthday.

A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
---Gene Roddenberry

Time is the fire in which we burn.
---Gene Roddenberry

Already filled with waste

2004-08-18T21:43:00.000-04:00

From Daily Grist, an environmental newsletter from Grist Magazine:

A PLAN FIENDISHLY CLEVER IN ITS INTRICACIES

Bush's Small Tweaks to Regulations Carry Large Consequences

In the third installment of its in-depth three-article series on Bush administration regulatory changes, The Washington Post today focuses on the way the administration circumvents public debate and legislation in favor of making small changes in regulatory wording that carry huge consequences -- removing the word "hazardous" from mercury emission regs, reclassifying nuclear waste from "high-level" to "incidental," and perhaps most portentously, changing the name of debris from mountaintop-removal coal mines from "waste" to "fill." The latter change -- the "fill rule" of 2002 -- has led to a boom in a practice that is loathed not only by enviros but by a growing majority of rural Appalachians, who object to the irremediable destruction of landscapes where their families have lived for generations. Some 700 miles of headwater streams have been buried in "fill" and more than 240 species of fish adversely affected. As it happens, the coal industry has raised $9 million for Republicans since 1998.

straight to the source: The Washington Post, Joby Warrick, 17 Aug 2004

Well I know something about coal mining. I grew up in the coal region of PA. My grandfather started 'picking' coal (sorting the smaller pieces of coal from rock) as a young boy. Friends and family earned their living and started their dying (black lung, emphysema) in the mines. My hometown of Shamokin has huge culm banks, mountains really, made from discarded coal waste.

Glen Burn Coal Mine Breaker, Shamokin, PA

And not far is the famous burning town, Centralia, where underground mine fire made the entire town unfit to live in. I think it is very clear, we don't need less environmental protections we need more! Let's not go back to the 'good old days'.

Smoldering hillside near Centralia, PA

Pictures vs words

2004-08-17T01:09:00.000-04:00

I have been spending a lot of time taking photographs and fussing with them using Photoshop. Hence, not much time for writing or reading. It is a really interesting change for me. I am starting to think more visually, more colorfully. Sometimes it drives me crazy to be constantly looking for something to photograph, even when I don't have my camera, but my dreams are more colorful. I was doing a little bit of yoga and stretching tonight and I could even relate the feeling in my body to color and form. Here is one of my latest creations.

Taken from north shore of Long Island near sunset.

Dream: The Gifted Table

2004-08-16T07:05:00.001-04:00

I was at a work function, a dinner with other scientists. We were discussing something about a protein with which I work, something about if there were three arginines at the C-terminus. I couldn't remember if there were (and I felt I should know this information). Another scientist (someone visiting whom I didn't know) knew the answer and did some complicated calculation in his head to solve the problem. I was embarassed. I also felt like I was 'hooked' or physically connected to one of the scientists, like our belts had got tangled. We sat down for dinner but when I looked up from my plate everyone had left to another table. Some waiters came and told me I had to move because they were moving the table. I picked up my plate and carried it to a table with people I had attended high school with. One was Kevin Wetzel. He looked at me and said, "Welcome back to the gifted table." He looked different than I remembered. The girl/woman across from me was drawing my picture and/or taking notes on what I was doing. I didn't recognize her. I felt embarassed and relieved to be back at this table rather than the one with all the scientists.

Morning going

2004-08-14T09:09:00.000-04:00

I just spent two hours reading blogs, following links, entangled in this web of humanity and words. Here's a partial roadmap.

Started at Nomen est Numen where she writes an achingly honest question:

What sort of accomplishment is it to run a gauntlet of one's own making? I've managed only to close my eyes against the feast of the world and gnaw myself to the bone. It's hardly a mark of intelligence.

Then I followed a link from the comments to Mole. There I read a post containing this intriguing statement:

If I can't have irregular verbs, I'd rather grunt and point.

and followed the link to its source at Language Hat. Wonderful blog full of challenges and insights, quite a bit over my head most of the time, which I like when I am in the right mood. Usually when I find a new blog I like, I read the very first entry from the archives. I like to see how the blog has evolved of the years (2 in this case). First entry quite as enjoyable as the last. This one seems to be good to the first drop.

Another quizzie poo!

2004-08-13T14:20:00.000-04:00

Believe it or not that is the way my Physical Chemistry teacher would announce our quizzes and tests! Anyway, on a lighter note (I think) here are the results of the stressful, arduous, what-flower-are-you? quiz:

I'm a Pansy. The bloom of thought. Thoughts are my haven. I prefer solitude and quiet places so I can ponder uninterrupted.
What bloom are you? by Polly_Snodgrass

Searching for truth

2004-08-10T23:07:00.000-04:00

From Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies & the Truth About Reality

But if you really thoroughly question everything, if you pursue your questions long enough and honestly enough, there will come a time when truth will wallop you upside the head and you will know.

Not knowing is what brought me to the spiritual path. As a child in church, I tried very hard to believe, like a good girl should (or as I thought she should). I tried and tried and I never felt the knowing, the security, that I had read about others feeling. I was unsure, alone and scared. So then I turned to science. I thought if I could learn everything in the books, if I could become a real scientist, I would know things. But as all students of science learn, what you really find in science are more questions. And what you know, you don't really know because you have to be ready to change your hypothesis to fit any new data that may come along. You can't afford to be sure about anything. We talk to each other using terms like suggest and implicate not know and not certainty. We learn to couch our facts in may and might, to sprinkle words of caution between the statements of fact. Or maybe it is just me. Maybe I am not ready for knowing. The idea of knowing reminds me of my childhood fantasy of a man on a white horse saving me. At first, it was my father, his strong arm comforting me during scary movies and roller coaster ride. Later I hoped for a prince to whisk me off. But those ideas were fantasy. In reality, my father didn't save me, he got drunk and terrorized us. I learned to hope for a savior but at the same time, save myself, always wishing I could relax, let go and be caught in someone's arms, and at the same time, aware that there were no arms to catch me. I was on my own. I guess that's not too bad but it never seemed enough. Not secure enough, not safe enough. With me alone, there was no absolute, no independent measure. Am I kidding myself, deceiving myself? How could I know? It was this nagging question that prodded me on this path and it is still pushing me. And I am still walking, seeking, searching, and crawling. I hope Warner is right. I hope someday I will know, just simply know. Right now, I can't imagine anything better than that.

Minor White

2004-08-10T22:55:00.000-04:00

I was in the library tonight perusing recent acquisitions and came across The Zen of Creativity : Cultivating Your Artistic Life by John Daido Loori. I read a passage where the author describes a photography course he took taught by Minor White. The course had many 'non-photography' aspects to it such as early morning dancing and meditation. I was intrigued so I looked for a book of White's work. His black and white images are beautiful and moving. He has a very zen approach to photography.

No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen. -Minor White

Let the subject generate its own photographs. Become a camera. -Minor White

Barn and Clouds, 1955

The Masters of Photography website has more photographs.

Day of rest and renewal

2004-08-09T17:47:00.000-04:00

Today has been a day of relaxation and rejuvination for me. I took the day off from work, I wrote emails to friends, I went for a loooonnnnngggg walk to shops and to the library. I treated myself to a nice Japanese lunch of miso soup, green salad and veggie California roll. I didn't take my ipod on my walk and that was very good. Without music to distract me I just thought about things, had conversations in my head, let my mind wander around any ol' place it liked. Very uplifting. I spent some time in the library, browsing books. I took out the first season of Babylon 5 (brain junk food!!). I also browsed the new books and came across Franz Wright's latest volume of poetry, Walking to Martha's Vineyard. I opened it to the first page, read this:

YEAR ONE
I was still standing
on a northern corner

Moonlit winter clouds the color of the desperation of wolves.

Proof
of Your existence? There is nothing
but.

After I read it, I had to look away, my eyes filled with emotion, with the 'rightness' of the poem, the truth. All in 28 words.

Walking to Martha's Vineyard
Winner of the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for Poetry.

Long trip

2004-08-08T21:28:00.000-04:00

I am tired tonight. We just drove to Boston and back (~10 hours total) to take my stepson to his Outward Bound trip on Thompson Island. The course is called Passages and it is for 12-13 year old boys, like a Rite of Passage to celebrate the transition from boyhood to manhood. I was very impressed with all the instructors. I think he and his fellow adventurers will have a wonderful, challenging experience. Outward Bound does courses for women only too. The desert backpacking one sounds interesting. Today I have been thinking about exploring and challenging my body and my perception of its limitations. I looked at the other parents and many were fit and sporty, as you might expect from people who value this kind of experience for their children. I, however, am not. I am not terrible but I am not where I want to be either. This is something I need to think more about, it is just a seed right now but I hope to nuture it and have it sprout some new growth in myself.

Burning thoughts

2004-08-04T23:04:00.000-04:00

Heard this commentary about Shambhala Mountain Center's open air crematorium on NPR on the way home. His description of watching the body burn made me wonder what I would feel watching it. I have long been afraid of the dead, of dead bodies, of hard evidence of pain and death.

Media bias

2004-08-04T22:39:00.000-04:00

My sister sent me this article from the NYTimes about media bias.



Some selected quotes/links to whet your appetite:



As the movie "Outfoxed" makes clear, Fox News is for all practical purposes a G.O.P. propaganda agency.



In response to some of the G.O.P. scripting which portrayed the Democratic Convention as showing a 'different' side of the party (e.g. John Leo's column) Paul Krugman writes:



Luckily, in this age of the Internet it's possible to bypass the filter. At C-Span.org, you can find transcripts and videos of all the speeches. I'd urge everyone to watch Mr. Kerry and others for yourself, and make your own judgment.



Media watch sites:



The Campaign Desk

Media Matters

The Daily Howler



Other sites I have come across:



Air America Radio

Mother Jones (just started my subscription, love the July/August issue)



I'll end with a scary/funny poster published in Mother Jones from Micah Wright's Propaganda Remix Project.

Lists, perfection, and completion

2004-08-03T07:46:00.000-04:00

Siona's (from Nomen est Numen) comment prompted me to finish the Film List (well, it will never be finished but I think it is relatively up to date) and post it. My idea is to keep a running list of the films I see with appropriate links to my posts (since Blogger still doesn't provide acceptable searching capabilities) and to other sites I like that are related to the film. I will put this on the sidebar as a work in progress. If I have the time and inspiration, I will write reviews or impressions of more of the films. Being a perfectionist I strive for completion, or maybe I am a completionist striving for perfection?

Films seen

2004-08-03T07:45:00.000-04:00

--------2005--------
The Sheltering Sky
March of Penguins (2005) in theater
Amazons 2005 Stony Brook Film Festival
Jesus, Mary and Joey Stony Brook Film Festival
The Life of Mammals, 2002
Rashomon, 1950
L'Eclisse, 1962
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, 2004
The Life of Birds, 1998
Border, 1997
Throne of Blood, 1957

Garden State

--------2004--------

Love Liza **** [related post]
Spiderman 2 (2004) in theater **
I, Robot (2004) in theater **
Razor's Edge (1994) ***** [related post]
Prisoners of the Mountain (1996) ****
LA Confidential (1997)****
Facing Windows (2003) in theater***** [related post]
About Schmidt (2002) **** [related post]
City of Angels (1998)*** [related post]
In This World (2002) ****
Solaris (2002) ****
Moster's Ball (2001) *****
Il Posto (1961) ****
Claire's Knee (1970) ***
Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004) ***** [related post]
Heat (1995) ****
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) in theater *****
Smoke (1995) *****
Lumumba (2000) ***** [related post]
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) **** [related post]
Wings of Desire (1987) ***** [related post]
The Crying Game (1992) **** [related post]
The Funeral (1984) *** [related post]
Superman: The Movie (1978) ****
Kikujiro (1999) *****
American Splendor (2003) ****
Anger Management (2003) *****
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) in theater***** [Cup of Chicha review]

A little chamber music

2004-08-02T20:27:00.000-04:00

Last night we went to a concert that was part of the 2004 Bridgehampton Chamber Music Festival entitled Telemann and the Trout. The first piece that was played was an aria from the "Goldberg Variations". Then two pieces by Telemann, Quartet in D minor and Concerto for F major. The final piece was Schubert's "Trout" Quintet. All the musicians were excellent. We didn't have good seats, at least for seeing but the sound was beautiful. The concert is in a old Presbyterian Church quite appropriate for chamber music, small and intimate. Sitting there listening to the harpsichord in the Bach piece, I almost felt a powdered wig on my head. The real reason we were there, though, was for the pianist in the last piece. Joyce Yang is the daughter of a colleague of mine and an exceptional 17 year old young woman. The way she plays... I am not a gifted enough writer to explain. Anyone who is reading this and has a chance to see and hear her, should not miss the opportunity. We have traveled to NYC and to Albany to see her. We are never disappointed.

Estranged faces missing many-splendored things

2004-08-01T15:25:00.000-04:00

I went to zen today. As usual it was hard to go, I used every excuse in my mind, but I still went. While meditating it was hard to concentrate. My inner critic was going on and on about how I will never get anywhere just meditating once a week. I started to make plans about meditating every evening, every morning, but then I stopped. How many times will I do the same thing? How many times will I make grandiose, impossible plans for the seeming purpose of disappointing myself? After the meditation, my teacher lead a discourse and as usual, gave me much to think about. He often quotes poetry during our discussion. Today he quoted Francis Thompson, especially the poem "The Kingdon of God" below.

The Kingdom of God

O WORLD invisible, we view thee,
O world intangible, we touch thee,
O world unknowable, we know thee,
Inapprehensible, we clutch thee!

Does the fish soar to find the ocean,
The eagle plunge to find the air--
That we ask of the stars in motion
If they have rumor of thee there?

Not where the wheeling systems darken,
And our benumbed conceiving soars!--
The drift of pinions, would we hearken,
Beats at our own clay-shuttered doors.

The angels keep their ancient places--
Turn but a stone and start a wing!
'Tis ye, 'tis your estrangèd faces,
That miss the many-splendored thing.

But (when so sad thou canst not sadder)
Cry--and upon thy so sore loss
Shall shine the traffic of Jacob's ladder
Pitched betwixt Heaven and Charing Cross.

Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter,
Cry--clinging to Heaven by the hems;
And lo, Christ walking on the water,
Not of Genesareth, but Thames!

by Francis Thompson

Recovering intuition

2004-07-31T20:38:00.000-04:00

Vasalisa Approaching the Hut of Baba Yaga from MYTHING LINKS Baba Yaga page

I am still reading Chapter 3: Nosing out the facts: The Retrieval of Intuition as Initiation in Women Who Run With the Wolves. My plan was to finish the chapter and then write a summary but I think it is too complex for just one post and I am going to follow my intuition on this.

In this chapter Dr. Estes discusses the Russian folktale "Vasalisa". In this tale, the heroine, Vasalisa goes through several trials or tests and is helped by a small doll that her dying mother gave her. Vasalisa's wise doll symbolizes her intuition.

...the doll represents the inner spirit of us as women; the voice of inner reason, inner knowing , and inner consciousness. The doll is like the little bird in fairy tales who comes and whispers in the heroine's ear, the one who reveals the hidden enemy and what to do about it all. This is the wisdom of the homunculus, the small being within. It is our helper which is not seeable, but which is always accessible.

When I first started on my journey of self discovery I became very interested in intuition. I read a few books on developing it. I felt cut off from any inner knowing and I didn't trust my hunches or gut feelings.

We, like Vasalisa, strengthen our bond with our intuitive nature by listening inwardly at every turn in the road. "Should I go this way, or this way? Should I stay or go? Should I resist or be flexible? Should I run away or toward? Is this person, event, venture true or false?"

I started to do this a few years ago. Once in a while, I would act on a hunch, an impulse. I did it when nothing too unpleasant could happen anyway. I don't know how successful these initial, feeble attempts were. I remember having the feeling I should give a CD to my landlady, that she would like it. I didn't let doubts stop me. (She'll think I am crazy, she won't like it, this is stupid) I just bought it (Enya's Memory of Trees) and gave it to her. I don't know if she thought I was strange or if she even liked it. Nothing really wonderful happened as a result of this small act of following what I thought was my intuition. But I still remember doing it, years later. I still feel glad that I did it even if I don't know, and may never know if it was the right thing to do. I guess this is one time when I can live with the ambiguity of it. I have tried to repeat this 'hunch-following' tradition. I have to admit there is something freeing and joyful in doing something and not analyzing it over and over again, just getting an idea and doing it.

A woman's grasp of her intuitive wisdom may be weak as a result, but with exercise it will come back and become fully manifested.

I wouldn't say that my intuition is fully manifested, but I feel more comfortable about trusting it. And that is a big step for me.

Later in the chapter (I am skipping lot's of good parts about woman's fear of her own power and about the 'myriad faces of the subterrene feminine.') is the discussion of the 'fiery skull' as another symbol of intuition.

Each woman who retrieves her intuition and Yaga-like powers reaches a point where she is tempted to throw them away, for what is the use of seeing and knowing all these things? This skull-light is not forgiving. In this light, the old are elderly; the beautiful, lush; the silly, foolish; the drunk are drunken; the unfaithful are infidels; things which are incredible are noted as miracles.....
Yet, when one sees thusly and senses thusly, then one has to work to do something about what one sees. To possess good intuition, goodly power, causes work....
It is true, I will not lie to you; it is easier to throw away the light and go to sleep. It is true, it is hard to hold the skull-light out before us sometimes. For with it, we clearly see all sides of ourselves and others...

I am not sure I have a fiery skull yet. I am probably still in the small doll in my pocket stage and so I haven't really felt this desire to put out the light. But I can understand it and in understanding it, I hope I can be ready for it.

And further, Dr. Estes discusses how intuition gives a great power of discrimination which we can use in choosing friends, lovers and teachers who are supportive of our wild growth. She describes life as a smorgasbord, where we be satisfied to choose what is near us on the table, or we can use our intuition to determine what we want, independently from what is available.

The way to maintain one's connection to the wild is to ask yourself what it is you want.
... There is around us a constant beckoning world, one which insinuates itself into our lives, arousing and creating appetite where there was little or none before.
...To chose just because something mouth-watering stand before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-Self. And that is what intuition is for; it is a direct messenger of the soul.

I think this is especially important in this age because everywhere we are being bombarded with messages, advertisements, slogans telling us what we should want. After hearing these all day, it is so difficult to sort their external screaming from the internal soul whisper. But I have tried to do it their (society's) way and I wasn't happy. It is a good question, "What do I want?" I don't have an answer yet, at least not one that I really feel deeply satisfied with. I will keep asking it, keep following the murmurs of my emerging intuition, my blossoming power.

Love Liza

2004-07-31T07:42:00.000-04:00

Last night we saw this film. It is the story of the aftermath of a woman's (Liza's) suicide. Yea, pretty strong topic for a Friday night flick. If I try to fit this into my theme of films prodding me to live life to its fullest, I would say that this film shows what suicide means to those left behind and therefore shows by reflection the importance of living. Liza's husband, Wilson (Philip Seymour Hoffman), is surprised and devastated by her suicide which causes him to tumble into addiction, specifically sniffing gasoline. It is difficult to watch the level of self hate arising from guilt that forces him to do this. Liza left him a letter, a suicide note, and he is terrified to open it, terrified that it will tell him that it was all his fault, but he believes that is what it says anyway and acts accordingly. Liza's mother is played by Kathy Bates and we see a little bit of her grief also. Both actors are excellent. As a person who has thought about suicide from time to time, I have to say this gives me new perspective on what it would do to my family and loved ones. In depression, it is easy to tell yourself that no one cares about you but I think, deep down, I knew this wasn't true and so I didn't move much further than thought. But I definitely didn't think seriously about the days and weeks and months that my loved ones would suffer. I am far from the depressed person I once was.... still I will keep the lesson of this film close to me.

Recognizing self worth

2004-07-27T21:16:00.000-04:00

Last Friday Angel posted:

Over the past few weeks I've been really trying to consciously be kinder and gentler to myself; to recognize all the good that I've done and all the good that I've received.

I was reading it and mulling it over in my mind. I was doing that too, for a while, but somehow I just stopped and slipped into my usual hyper critical inner voice. I pick up the book I am reading, Women Who Run With the Wolves and read this:

... women who are raised in families that are not accepting of their gifts often set off on tremenodously big quests--over and over, and they do not know why. They feel they must have three Ph.D.s or that they have to hang upside down from Mount Everest, or that they must execute all manner of dangerous, time-consuming and money-eating endeavors to try to prove to their families that they have worth. "Now will you accept me? No? Okay (sigh), watch this."... However, we can see that for the deep work to continue, trying to prove one's worth to the chorus of jealous hags [internal critics] is pointless, and as we shall see, in fact impedes the initiation.

Maybe this is part of my inner drive to achieve but at what price? I am unhappy with myself most of the time. From other sources I have read that one can stop trying to prove their worth and just accept that they are worthy, just decide it. I guess it doesn't work to just decide it once, but one must keep on deciding it each day.

Catching it

2004-07-26T20:12:00.000-04:00

My thoughts have been scattered and nearly never ending. It isn't pleasant. Brings to mind the Ten Steps of Ox Herding (and mind training).

With his horns fiercely projected in the air the beast snorts,
Madly running over the mountain paths, farther and farther he goes astray!
A dark cloud is spread across the entrance of the valley,
And who knows how much of the fine fresh herb is trampled under his wild hoofs!

This has been me, exactly, for the last three days. I have been off balance, unhappy, and anxious. Sometimes a beast snorting, others more quiet but never really in control, not even during my meditation. I especially have lost control of my Inner Predator. He has been trampling all over my newly sprouted self esteem and improved body image. Maybe it is this tender young growth that drew him out of hiding. Maybe it was also that I have some additional sources of stress and I wasn't prepared. One too many balls in the air and they all came tumbling down. That's how I feel, overwhelmed. Balls dropping everywhere and me helpless. I will get some rest. I am comforted by the wisdom of my teacher, "If you feel discomfort, just watch and wait, it will change into something else."

Laurie's wit and heart

2004-07-22T22:51:00.000-04:00

I have been listening to Laurie Anderson tonight. I find her lyrics so clever. I just wanted to share some of it with you in case you had never had the pleasure. Some of her work is quite experimental and it takes some time and an open mind but I think its worth it. I recommend Strange Angels or Big Science to start with. Here are some of my favorites.

You're walking. And you don't always realize it,
but you're always falling.
With each step you fall forward slightly.
And then catch yourself from falling.
Over and over, you're falling.
And then catching yourself from falling.
And this is how you can be walking and falling
at the same time.
---From Walking & Falling by Laurie Anderson

It was a large room. Full of people. All kinds.
And they had all arrived at the same buidling
at more or less the same time.
And they were all free. And they were all
asking themselves the same question:
What is behind that curtain?

You were born. And so you're free. So happy birthday.
---From Born, Never Asked by Laurie Anderson

I met this guy - and he looked like might have
been a hat check clerk at an ice rink.
Which, in fact, he turned out to be. And I said:
Oh boy. Right again.

Let X=X. You know, it could be you.
It's a sky-blue sky. Satellites are out tonight.
Let X=X.

You know, I could write a book. And this book would
be think enough to stun an ox. Cause I can see the
future and it's a place - about 70 miles east of
here. Where it's lighter. Linger on over here.
Got the time?
--From Let X=X by Laurie Anderson

And just as I started to leave
Just as I turned to go
I saw a man who'd fallen
He was lying on his back in the snow.

Some people walk on water
Some people walk on broken glass
Some just walk round and round
in their dreams
Some just keep falling down.

So when you see a man who's broken
Pick him up and carry him
And when you see a woman who's broken
Put her all into your arms
Cause we don't know where we come from
We don't know what we are.

So when you see a man who's broken
Pick him up and carry him
And when you see a woman who's broken
Put her all into your arms
Cause we don't know where we come frm.
We don't know what we are.
---From Ramon by Laurie Anderson
--

Sad today

2004-07-21T07:43:00.000-04:00

I am down today. Feeling a bit hopeless. I dug up an old poem, it doesn't exactly match my mood, it is a bit too positive but maybe that is good.

Comfort

Bring me a quiet handful of water on which I may sleep
Pour me a gentle breeze to cool my worldly heat
Sing to me silently, soothe my burdened ear
And with the darkness blanket me so I will feel secure

Life has treated me harshly today
But no worse than to those before
All of us claimed life, now we have to pay
With suffering and weariness -- each fight his own war

Now it is the resting hour before the break of day
Life will once again begin with the suns first ray
But now within all the peacefulness
I will close my eyes and calmly rest

Life will accept me soon again
With its barbed wire arms
The way it accepts all men
To keep them from the Void’s dark charms

Oh, Quiet Darkness, must I go?
The time of living is filled with woe
And I would like to be in the place
Where only silence shows its face

Ambiguity and Contradiction

2004-07-20T19:21:00.000-04:00

John's post got me thinking about ambiguity and contradiction. So I did what I usually do when I am starting to think... I google it. I found a few more quotes:

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
Gilda Radner (1946-1989)

I love this quote. This is a lot like how I view life although I haven't gotten to the stage where I can honestly say 'delicious ambiguity'. Maybe I can pretend say it, like, look at me I understand something profound, but I can't really say it because I really hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I also really hate when what happens next is not what I was planning to happen. I especially hate when what happens next is totally the opposite of what I wanted to happen. Now I am living with this displeasure and beginning to accept it, beginning to let it go, beginning to say "ok, it doesn't matter" with a touch of honesty, with a molecule of sincerity. Right now it is not delicious but I can manage to gag it down and keep it there.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes).
Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

This quote is also great (would I put them here if I didn't love them?). On the surface it may not seem spiritual but rather arrogant, sort of I am above the law of logic and consequence. And maybe that is what it is about partially but its not arrogance. To me he is saying that we are humans, three dimensional beings that have good and evil, happy and sad, black, white and 256 shades of gray inside us. Yes, it is inside us. This reminds me of the film Pleasantville when David (Bud) is telling Big Bob, the mayor of the city, that he has all these emotions and colors inside him. What is keeping Big Bob or me from experiencing all these contradictions? Fear. In my case, it is mostly fear of contradicting myself, fear of being wrong, fear of turning out to be someone I didn't expect to be. It is very reassuring to say to myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. It means that when I do something not-so-nice, when I think something terrible, (think of the Tori Amos song I can be cruel/I don't know why/Why can't my balloon stay up/In a perfectly windy sky) it doesn't mean I am a terrible, evil person, it means I am large, large enough to contain good and evil, like everybody, and not be evil. So that means, you contain good and evil, and that guy who cut me off today on my way to work contains some good too.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.
F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940)

This is an interesting exercise. Have you ever tried it? The difficulty increases with your attachment to one of the ideas. For instance, if you don't care if a certain country wins the most gold medals in the Summer Olympics, you can hold in your mind any number of countries winning. It doesn't matter to you. But what about something your really care about. For me that would be more like the abortion issue or capital punishment or something else that I feel strongly about. That is when I am challenged to hold the opposing view in my mind at the same time. But I believe that it is important to attempt, not because it proves you are highly intelligent, but because it protects you from dogmatism and radicalism. I remember reading a book about the Dalai Lama (may have been The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living) and the author asked the Dalai Lama a question that the author later admitted sounded very arrogant and presumptuous on his part. What inspired the author was that the Dalai Lama took time to consider both sides (the author's and his own) before answering. Just by the act of pausing and once again considering both points of view, you prevent yourself from reacting, you give your self the opportunity to chose once again what you believe to be the best choice.

Either too wet or too dry

2004-07-19T23:21:00.000-04:00

Found this quiz while reading Nehanda Dreams
But she got to be a cool place - the deepest part of the ocean. It turns out I am all wet....

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

Since I wasn't too impressed, I did the quiz again and got ...

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

So there you have it, either I am too wet or too dry. Maybe this is one of those times when I am taking things too seriously, huh?

Razor's Edge

2004-07-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

Arise! Awake! Approach the great and learn. Like the sharp edge of a razor is that path, so the wise say—hard to tread and difficult to cross. -- Katha Upanishad

Last night we watched Razor's Edge, the 1984 adaptation of W. Somerset Maugham's novel by the same name starring Bill Murray. I love this movie. First of all, I love Bill Murray. I loved Groundhog Day, I loved Lost in Translation and Razor's Edge has the same style. Bill Murray worked with director John Byrum on the screenplay and according the NY Times and other sources I found, only agreed to make the hit Ghostbusters if Columbia would make Razor's Edge.

In Razor's Edge, Murray plays Larry Darrell, a WWI veteran come soul searcher. He leaves his friends and future fiance (Isabel) to live in Paris, think, read spiritual books, and pack fish. Isabel waits for a while for him to 'come to his senses' but then marries his friend and has two kids. Meanwhile, he meets up with a spiritually minded coal miner who tells him about India and gives him a copy of The Upanishads. He then travels to India himself. Later he returns to Paris and tries to live his spiritual practice, not on the mountain but in the real world.

What I love the most about the movie is the calm equanimity that Larry (and Bill) displays after he returns from India, even when terrible things happen and it would be easy to descend into bitterness and blame. But he walks the 'razor's edge'. He refuses to see people as only their worst selves, even when that's what they are being. He reaches beyond the present and material and offers compassion. It was quite inspirational for me.

Opening the door

2004-07-18T13:38:00.000-04:00

Bluebeard's wife about to open the forbidden door
(1905 illustration by J. Watson Davis)
found on Susan Elizabeth Sweeney's homepage

Bluebeard

2004-07-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

I am currently reading Chapter 2: Stalking the Intruder: The Beginning Initiation of Women Who Run with the Wolves. In this chapter Dr. Estes analyzes the Bluebeard (a similar web version) story. The chapter is long and has a lot of departure points that could be turned into complete essays, so I am trying hard to stay focused.

The woman who marries Bluebeard is naive and out of touch with her wild instincts that would have warned her about him. This can happen in our modern outer life as well. Many women get involved in relationships or situations where they are in danger due to their initial naivete. Bluebird gives his wife all the keys but one of them she is forbidden to use. However she must use this key and follow her curiosity.

In reality, the trivialization of women's curiosity so that it seems like nothing more than irksome snooping denies woman's insight, hunches, intuitions. It denies all her senses. It attempts to attack her fundamental power.

A personal note here. The first time I read (but did not finish) this book I was very disturbed by this and it is probably why I didn't finish reading. There was a strong voice inside me that said, "No, don't open the door, you will ruin everything!" I was really stuck in the 'good girl' mode. Don't do anything they don't want you to do. Don't rock the boat. Just smile. {A real aside, I love the Simpsons episode where Lisa's mom (Marge) tells her to smile no matter what or people won't think Marge is a good mother. Then she sees Lisa smiling as boys are insulting her and she rushes over and says to Lisa she should be however she is and if she is sad she can be sad.}

Regarding this reluctance, Dr. Estes says:

Women strengthen this barrier or door when they engage in a form of negative self-encouragement which warns them not to think or dive too deeply, for "you may get more than you bargained for."

Part of my problem has been not only a fear of loss of all that I have but a fear of seeing "shocking carnage in some part" of my life. Because once you know something, you can't unknow it. Like the key that won't be cleaned, "will not cease to give the cry that something is wrong."

When women open the doors of their own lives and survey the carnage there in those out-of-the-way places, they most often find they have been allowing assassination of their most crucial dreams, goals, and hopes.

Dr. Estes also talks about an internal Bluebeard, an animal groom, the predator, who is a part of every woman's psych.

We dismantle the predator by countering its diatribes with our own nurturant truths. Predator: "You never finish anything you start." Yourself: "I finish many things."

And by doing this inner work of dismantling the predator, lessening its strength, we are making the world a better place for everyone.

...any individuation work done by humans also changes the darkness in the collective unconscious of all humans.

And

By retrieving these powers from the shadows of our psyches, we shall not be simple victims of internal or external circumstances.

I know I have a lot of work to do. A lot of keys to find, a lot of doors to open, and a lot of blood and destruction to view, but now, finally, I am ready to do the work. To tiptoe down the rickety stairs to the deep dark basement.

True Majority

2004-07-18T08:37:00.000-04:00

After reading the principles of True Majority in Be the Change, I decided to join.

Ben Cohen, Co-founder, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream says he started TrueMajority in order to compound the power of all those who believe in social justice, giving children a decent start in life, protecting the environment, and America working in cooperation with the world community. The organization monitors US policies with these ideals in mind and when there is something to do they send a short email alert that explaining the situation and they will automatically fax letters to Congresspeople.

The email they sent me after I signed up said this:

There are over 50 million of us that share these concerns but we've ended
up fragmenting ourselves because each of us can only concentrate on one
or two issues. Or for some of us we've just felt powerless. The TrueMajority
can unite us into a force that is even more powerful than the Christian
Right or the NRA.

Let's hope so.

More books

2004-07-17T23:17:00.000-04:00

I went to Border's Friday night, just to browse, of course, but I bought a book, 365 Tao : Daily Meditations and a magazine, Yoga Journal (website). I have wanted the book since Angel gave it such high praise "** Did I mention, this is the first and last book I read everyday? **" The articles that caught my eye in the August issue of Yoga Journal were "7 steps for turning bad habits into good ones" and "Be happy from the inside out".

Quote from Yoga Journal:

You cannot do yoga. Yoga is your natural state. What you can do are yoga exercises, which may reveal to you where you are resisting your natural state. What is this natural state? Eternal, everlasting happiness: bliss." -Sharon Gannon, Jivamukti Yoga Cofounder

A good thing to keep in mind.

Am I famous yet?

2004-07-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

~Z~ from theatter left me a nice comment and then wrote a blog entry about lil ol' me. A day or so ago Angel mentioned me too. This attention might be making my head a bit big but I started to wonder how many blog sidebars I am on.

Here's the list as far as I can tell (is there some easy way to tell?)

I guess it's not really fame but I never really expected anyone to read this blog. I am amazed at the thoughtful, kind, and interesting people I have 'met' through blogging. So thanks to all of you who have read my words, commented, listed me on your blog, and made me feel welcome in this exciting, addictive, new world.

Friday morning sensations

2004-07-16T09:01:00.000-04:00

Morning light filtered by white curtain
Silky soft cat fur and low purring
Foot slaps through hall to the kitchen
Click of electric tea kettle
Hum of smooth cool laptop on bare legs
Bright bitter taste of hot green tea with lemon
Hot water on stiff lower back
Wonderful scent of grape seed shower gel
Buzzzzzz of electric toothbrush and minty taste
Comforting support of New Balance cross trainers
Smooth slide and thud of sliding door closing
Bright sun in eyes
Ready for another day

Inspired by Saturday Morning Me by Easy Bake Coven
which I first saw in rune's blog, queen of cups

Progressing in politics

2004-07-15T10:15:00.000-04:00

Ah politics. When I started this blog, I decided that I didn't want to discuss politics or current events. Why? Well, I don't like controversy, I don't like heated arguments, I tend to avoid confrontation. But I have been rethinking my choice lately. So much is going on in the world and in this country. So much that I don't agree with, that I don't like. It seems like a time that everyone should speak their voice, do what they can, or be prepared to accept responsibility for the atrocities done in their name by their leaders. Maybe I am late in coming to this conclusion, but here I am. And this is a difficult choice for me personally. I have a deep seated fear of bringing attention to myself, of speaking out for things I believe in, of ridicule, of rejection. I have hidden behind provable facts in my profession so I don't have to have an opinion, just state facts, results of experiments. At the end of Fahrenheit 9/11 I clapped with the others in the audience, but then thought and looked around to see if I was in the majority. When leaving the theater, I started to worry. What if there were reporters? What if someone wanted my opinion? I was relieved to see no one. I could pretend I had just seen something mindless and uncontroversial like Spiderman 2. I know what I believe in but I don't feel like defending it to anyone. I am a member of the Green party. I vote for the most liberal candidates available. I support/supported Kucinich's campaign. I send emails and faxes to support the environment and progressive politics. I get lot's of alerts and emails. But these things are rather anonymous. I can hide behind my computer screen and my credit card. I know that a blog is rather anonymous too but it is a start.

Today I just supported MoveOn's campaign to Fire Marriage Amendment Supporters Elect A New Generation of Progressive Leaders to the U.S. House

Progressive/Liberal sites/alerts that I subscribe to:

Center for a New American Dream
People for the American Way
Care2

Some Anti-Bush sites:

ReDefeat Bush
Run Against Bush
Stop Bush in 2004

Kerry/Edwards in 2004

Derek Walcott

2004-07-14T08:13:00.000-04:00

Here is the poem by Derek Walcott that Angel mentioned and quoted from in her comment to Running with Wild Women.

Love After Love

The time will come
When, with elation
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror
And each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott won a Nobel Prize in 1992.
Derek Walcott's Wikipedia entry.

Perspective

2004-07-13T12:51:00.000-04:00

After searching for the last few weeks in our archive disks I finally found a number of poems I wrote when I was in high school and college.

Perspective

The book has been classified, catalogued, and shelved
The life of a hero written in prose
The story of the nation he rose

I saw the book and I liked the color
So, I read it while sitting on the beach
The life of a madman struggling to win
The hand of a maiden devoid of sin

Running with Wild Women

2004-07-12T22:07:00.000-04:00

Zenchick's interesting encounter led me to Angel's blog where her July 8th entry talked about the book, Women Who Run with the Wolves:

I know that where I'm headed is full of warrior women. They are creative, forward-thinking, solutions oriented women. They are women who are living succulently, living juicy. They are artists and writers and painters and teachers and best yet, they are believers beyond the dogmatic restrictions that attempts to keep us all in chains. They are women with photos to show of all the places they have fearlessly travelled. They are warrior women, Women Who Run With The Wolves (and if you don't own that book by sister Clarissa Pinkola Estes, phD, do get it). And I know this: we are all getting ready for each other. We are in our separate spaces, feeling this urge in our bones, trying to find our way back to the pack. But we will get there, this I know.

I am reading Women Who Run with the Wolves right now. C. recomended it to me. She is reading it because her sister recomended it to her. After reading it, her sister changed, she was almost reborn. She found love and passion for the first time in her life. Coincidently, I am reading the copy that my sister gave me. Parts are highlighted so I can see the passages that were especially meaningful to her. I am so blessed to know so many vibrant, creative, juicy women through my real life and my online life.

Each woman has potential access to Rio Abajo Rio, this river beneath the river. She arrives there through deep meditation, dance, writing, painting, prayermaking, singing, drumming, active imagination, or any activity which requires an intense altered consciousness.
Excerpted from Women Who Run with the Wolves

Maybe we can add blogging to that list.

I leave you with one of my paintings created as I read Painting from the Source: Awakening the Artist's Soul in Everyone. It was one of the times I connected with my wilder feminine side.

Films are prodding me

2004-07-11T18:10:00.000-04:00

I have watched three films in the last 24 hours. They were selected without apparent forethought, at the dictates of chance, and yet each one spoke to me deeply about appreciating life, exhorting me to live life to its fullest. Actually most films seem to be telling me that in some way or other. Maybe that's what good cinema does? The films I saw are:

City of Angels

I had seen this film before but I wanted to show it to my friend C. because I thought she would like it and we had recently seen Wings of Desire together. This modern remake is about savoring life but it does not show as deeply or effectively as Wings of Desire did, in my opinon. What was remarkable about seeing this was seeing it with C. She is such a positive person and she loved it so much. She appreciated that I showed it to her. It was so refreshing. I seem to be hanging out with so many jaded intellectuals that critique the life out of everything. This is not to say that C. isn't intelligent but she isn't only intelligent. She thinks with her heart and her mind and it really is beautiful to listen to her speak about things.

After C. left I wasn't tired so we watched another film.

About Schmidt

Nicholson is superb. He plays a retired actuary who is only now faced with discovering himself, not in comparison to others or from expectations or others, but his true self. Well what to do about that? He reaches out and makes feeble connections with others, often leading to misunderstandings. But slowly he begins to sort through things and the last scene in the film brings me to tears, here, now as I remember it. There don't seem to be any easy answers. We each have to get in our own RV and make our own mistakes.

Finally this afternoon we went to the Cinema Arts Centre to see Facing Windows.

Wow! What a great film. I feel like stopping people on the street and telling them to rush right over and see it. I already called C. and left a message. I felt stupid leaving such a message but sometimes things wear off, you know, and I wanted to tell her now, before ordinary life rushes in and dilutes it: See this film -- you must see this film. I don't want to write the plot here, you can read that on IMDb, I want to write that it was great and you should go see it, if you can. It's too fresh in me to describe. I looked at the clear, blue sky driving back from the theater and ... it was so incredibly beautiful and I wondered why aren't I just happy with that? Why isn't that enough for me? Why do other things creep into my mind and ruin it? I don't know.

Cherry Grove

2004-07-10T23:53:00.000-04:00

Today we spent most of the day walking around taking pictures Cherry Grove, Fire Island, New York. It is a fun, beautiful, interesting place and a popular spot for gay vacationers. There are no cars (with a very few exceptions) so it is a great place to walk around. Instead of streets, there are boardwalks between the 'city' of cottages. I felt a great energy when I was there, there was a lot of acceptance of others and I felt a genuine friendliness. We often greeted and were greeted in return by people we saw. I mentioned this to my husband but he didn't notice it. It occurred to me that the judgments I often sense from others may not originate from them but from within myself and being in Cherry Grove allowed me to drop my self critical tendency and just enjoy the world around me.

Here is a sampling of what delighted my eye.

Near the pier where the ferry comes in, the rainbow symbolizes acceptance of many diverse lifestyle choices.

This part of Fire Island has lovely beaches. This picture shows walkways through dunes to beach.

People who live here for the summer make interesting garden displays. This is one of the most dramatic ones.

We saw some VERY tame deer there.

I saw this hose and was amazed. How can a hose be so beautiful?

Dinner for friends

2004-07-10T09:33:00.000-04:00

Last night we had 2 couples over for dinner. It was fun to play gourmet cook again. For many years I have been fascinated by cooking and food given away more cookbooks that most sane people ever own. Now I have less than 50 but I supplement by getting books from the library and from cooking magazines. I don't make recipes from most of them. I do love to sit and page through them, tasting the food with my imagination. I also love to read food lore and learn about other cultures. One of the guests is a woman who loves French food and wine so I thought I would make that the theme. I posted the menu and the recipes in my food blog, The Nourishing Leaf. Check it out.

Wendy's at sunset

2004-07-08T22:29:00.000-04:00

We got salads at Wendy's and ate them at the beach while we watched the sunset. I wanted to swim but then didn't feel like it. We walked along the beach for a while. A simple, relaxing evening.

Nightmare inside a nightmare

2004-07-08T06:12:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a nightmare, one that really scared me.

In the dream I was sleeping and had a nightmare. I woke up in my childhood home and I heard music from the basement. This terrified me because I knew my husband and I were alone there. I went to the living room to tell him about my nightmare (I often do this in my waking life). I also told him about the music in the basement. Who could be down there? How did they get in? He went down to investigate. I was very scared and looked for some kind of weapon to defend myself. The kitchen table had a lot of things on it and I was fumbling around finding the best one. I heard someone coming so I quickly chose a glass of water. Then two blond children came running from the basement. They ran for the door. As the ran out of the house I threw the water from the glass at them. I turned around relieved that they were gone and I saw my husband running at me looking like a mad man with an angry look on his face. He came at me and grabbed me. At that moment I awoke for real and ran out to the living room to tell my husband about my dream so he could comfort me. During the dream, sound, light and my body was really distorted and that added a lot to the terror of it.

Interpretation

According to Betty Bethards in The Dream Book:

House = self
Basement = sexual awareness and unconscious
Kitchen = work area, cooking up plans and schemes
Table = daily activities
Glass/cup = spiritual heart of self. If overflowing you are attuned to divine love; if empty you are walling self off from love energy and life force within.
Water = emotional energy
Music = healing, creative flow of life
Children = Aspects of yourself, such as vulnerability, innocence, openness, flexibility, playfulness. Often suggest you have forgotten the child part of yourself.
Husband = masculine part of self, perception of relationship with husband
Fear = Being very close to truth and frightened to look at it. The other side of fear is insight. Seeing unknown parts of self and fearful of acknowledging them; resistance. Anything feared must be faced in order for it to go away. Your greatest fear is change; ironically, to change is the only reason you are here.

I awake very close to truth and frightened of it. I can sense healing music and creativity coming from my unconscious. I run for support from the masculine part of myself and he goes into my unconscious and brings up some aspects of myself, vulnerability etc. They run through the door and I throw emotional energy after them from my spiritual heart. I think they are gone but my male aspect comes to confront me, to make me see the change I must make.

I don't know what this change is. Maybe it is to have more respect for aspects of my unconscious, to nuture the children in the basement.

No Zen

2004-07-07T20:05:00.000-04:00

I didn't go to zen tonight. I got home from work really tired and I took a 'nap' that lasted over an hour. I woke too late to go. This difficulty in doing what you 'say' you want to do and know is good for you has troubled me for as long as I can remember. I guess it is a fact of the human condition since many people I know voice this concern also. But why? It seems to me that if I could understand and circumvent this annoying propensity, I would accomplish a lot more in my life.

Progress

2004-07-07T08:26:00.000-04:00

Half of my free months is gone. Wow, it has been quick. I am tempted to whine that I don't have enough time and just waste the rest of it. NO! Let's review the list:

Things I want to do:

1. Go to zen center twice a week, Wed evenings and Sunday morning

Missed a Wed but I will go tonight.

2. Meditate at home

Not yet.

3. Go to the gym or exercise outside or at home everyday

Only went once.

4. Go to movies with husband (Fahrenheit 9/11 is next on the list, probably tonight)

I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 and watched a lot DVD's.

5. Experiment in the kitchen more

I made some nice salads and plan to invite people this weekend.

6. Eat healthy/detoxify

Half/half. This trip to PA was filled with 'treats'.

7. Go to my family reunion next week

I did it!

8. Attend one or more Reiki workshops

Not yet.

9. Read a lot, go to the library/bookstore often

I went to Borders with my sister and brother-in-law. I have gone to Borders at home too. Not to the library yet.

10. Go to the beach, swim in the ocean as often as possible

I went once.

11. Finish my June's blog to do list

Not yet.

12. Get my hair done (appt Wed)

Finished!

13. Get a massage

Not yet.

14. Buy some nice clothes that fit, are comfortable, and look nice

I bought 3 outfits, some work out clothes and a new pair of crosstrainers.

15. Do art, paint, draw, make collages, etc

Not yet.

16. Spend time with uplifting friends

I little bit.

17. Go for walks, bike rides

Took some walks, especially with my sister in PA. No bike rides yet.

18. Do some re-decorating in the house (maybe--not sure I am up to it)

Probably won't get around to this one.

19. Write, think, explore dreams

Yes. Doing this a lot.

20. Dance

Not yet.

21. Sign up for that acting class (still hesitating for some reason)

Too late for this one. Maybe fall.

Returned

2004-07-07T08:17:00.000-04:00

I am back home after my trip to PA. Traveling was fine. Traffic was sparse on the way there and manageable on the way back (yesterday afternoon). There is something very satisfying about a solitary road trip. I choose the music, the temperature, the route, the speed, and decide whether or not to stop. Yep, I did it MY WAY!